Jehovah Just Witnessed a Pwning.
I finally achieved one of my life-long goals this morning.
I successfully thwarted, denied, and--for all intents and purposes--Pwned a Jehovah's witness.
It goes like this. At 11:26 this morning, I heard a knocking coming from my front door. I'm a late sleeper, as everyone knows. I had literally been awake for approximately 9 minutes prior to the knocking, so I was still under the just-woke-up haze. I obviously don't make good judgements under this haze. This is also a time when my "Don't say that" filter isn't quite turned on. So these guys were just asking for trouble. They've been up and down this street before. I've had run-ins with them before. The first time shrugging them off and hearing their Jehovahy goodness. The second time, I took their dumb little book they were giving out. But the moment I opened the door and recognized them as the same jerks who came before, I didn't want to deal with them. I don't even know why I opened the door. Who the fuck would come to my place at 11:30 in the morning on a Thursday? Had I been more awake, this would have crossed my mind, and I would've cleverly devised a plan to sit completely silently until they went away. Alas, I didn't, and thought "Hmmm. Who's at my door?".
So after throwing my jeans on, I'm standing there looking at these two fundamentalist pissants. They both were taller than me. One of them had slicked black hair in a kinda combover, looking like he had just got out of the shower. The other one wore the dumbest looking bucktoothed grin on his face, his beady little eyes concealed behind Pointdexter-esque glasses. Both of them were wearing very stooge-like white button-down shirts and black slacks and ties. It looked like they were coming straight from the D&D fan club. That or they looked like they were from the Geek Squad at Best Buy. So they're standing there, and I very visibly and audibly show my displeasure at who rapped at my door, rolling my eyes and sighing heavily. They begin their schpeal, which I will now break down into dialogue lines...
"Hello, neighbor. We were wondering if you had a moment that we could talk to you," said Stooge #1.
I really wanted to comeback with a nice, unnerving quip just to knock them off their hinges. Something like "Actually, I'm in the middle of watching a new lesbian porno I downloaded last night. Now's not a good time." I really wanted to. And somehow I managed to stop myself and say "Well, I'm in the middle of making lunch right now, guys". Did I really think that would let me off the hook?
"This will only take a moment," Stooge #2 said. They start rambling on about something. I have no idea what they were saying as I completely spaced out into a fantastic scenario where I just snap and swing my fist into Bucktooth's mondo-glasses wearing weasel face. And while his friend is yelling and whatnot, I dropkick him right in the sternum. And when the police come to investigate me, I'll have had made up this wild, completely believable story about how they kept me under false imprisonment by denying me my shutting the door in their faces. That way I can sue and incarcerate their Bible-thumping asses. By the time this fabulous daydream ended, I had completely missed what Mr. Buckteeth had said. But I ad-libbed, trying to get the one line that would make them leave me alone.
"Hey, you know, look, guys," I sputtered out, trying to end this thing peacefully and nicely. "I was raised Catholic, Jesus is the Man, all that jazz."
"Oh," Stooge #1 interrupted alertly. "We're talking about more than Jesus. We're talking about the coming of a prophet. Like Moses. Do you know who Moses was?"
That question kinda boiled my blood. Yes I know who Moses is, you dumb shit. Stop being so holier than thou (no pun intended). "Yeah," I said in a exhasperated tone. It's at this point that I have to think that the Hell they're trying to "save" me from is actually just like this; living in an apartment where Jehovah's witnesses knock on your door for all eternity.
I then tried again to get to leave my doorstep. "Look guys, you've been here two other times and talked to me. Don't you have other parts of town to talk to?"
"The word of God must be spread, and we have more to share with you.........". He had more to say, but I again spaced out, wishing that a plane crashed into my complex at that moment. Stooge #2 jumped into the conversation, starting to babble on about how the world today is heading down the path to indulgance and sin, and it was up to them to alert people of their wrongs. The happy daydream of me bitchslapping them both and getting them for false imprisonment filled my head again. And I smiled.
Then it got interesting. Stooge #2 said something about the blasphemy of Dan Brown and the Da Vinci Code. Now, I honestly didn't like the book that much. But here's where I decided to fuck with them. He threw the dart at Dan Brown.
"Hey!" I chirped, throwing up my right index finger. "That was a good book, man!" I said acting all offended.
They were silent for a moment, and looked at each other. But like good little altar boys, they kept trying to reel me in. I don't know what they wanted from me. I guess they wanted to me to bust out my slacks and white shirt and follow them or something. Like THAT was going to happen. I was really fed up and wanted them to leave. It was to the point where I didn't even care about being polite anymore.
So I didn't.
The Stooges were still in full force. Stooge #1 ended his statement with "...and that's why we go around and knock on your neighbor's door."
Without missing a beat, I shoot them a a sarcastic smile and say loudly "Hey, great idea!". The last syllable was barely out of my mouth when I whipped the door shut, straight in their faces. What I heard one of them say afterward just made me laugh like a lunatic...
"Thank you for your time."
An hour later, my upstairs neighbor came downstairs and asked me if they had come and bothered me like they did with him. I said they did, and he told me to call the cops the next time they come. I assured him I would. That would make for one entertaining phone call. If I do end up doing it, I will record it, believe you me.
It wasn't a perfect Pwning. But trust me, if they ever do come back, I'm planning to burn them even worse. But I'm telling you, it was downright priceless, and so vindicating to just throw the front door right in their face.
I successfully thwarted, denied, and--for all intents and purposes--Pwned a Jehovah's witness.
It goes like this. At 11:26 this morning, I heard a knocking coming from my front door. I'm a late sleeper, as everyone knows. I had literally been awake for approximately 9 minutes prior to the knocking, so I was still under the just-woke-up haze. I obviously don't make good judgements under this haze. This is also a time when my "Don't say that" filter isn't quite turned on. So these guys were just asking for trouble. They've been up and down this street before. I've had run-ins with them before. The first time shrugging them off and hearing their Jehovahy goodness. The second time, I took their dumb little book they were giving out. But the moment I opened the door and recognized them as the same jerks who came before, I didn't want to deal with them. I don't even know why I opened the door. Who the fuck would come to my place at 11:30 in the morning on a Thursday? Had I been more awake, this would have crossed my mind, and I would've cleverly devised a plan to sit completely silently until they went away. Alas, I didn't, and thought "Hmmm. Who's at my door?".
So after throwing my jeans on, I'm standing there looking at these two fundamentalist pissants. They both were taller than me. One of them had slicked black hair in a kinda combover, looking like he had just got out of the shower. The other one wore the dumbest looking bucktoothed grin on his face, his beady little eyes concealed behind Pointdexter-esque glasses. Both of them were wearing very stooge-like white button-down shirts and black slacks and ties. It looked like they were coming straight from the D&D fan club. That or they looked like they were from the Geek Squad at Best Buy. So they're standing there, and I very visibly and audibly show my displeasure at who rapped at my door, rolling my eyes and sighing heavily. They begin their schpeal, which I will now break down into dialogue lines...
"Hello, neighbor. We were wondering if you had a moment that we could talk to you," said Stooge #1.
I really wanted to comeback with a nice, unnerving quip just to knock them off their hinges. Something like "Actually, I'm in the middle of watching a new lesbian porno I downloaded last night. Now's not a good time." I really wanted to. And somehow I managed to stop myself and say "Well, I'm in the middle of making lunch right now, guys". Did I really think that would let me off the hook?
"This will only take a moment," Stooge #2 said. They start rambling on about something. I have no idea what they were saying as I completely spaced out into a fantastic scenario where I just snap and swing my fist into Bucktooth's mondo-glasses wearing weasel face. And while his friend is yelling and whatnot, I dropkick him right in the sternum. And when the police come to investigate me, I'll have had made up this wild, completely believable story about how they kept me under false imprisonment by denying me my shutting the door in their faces. That way I can sue and incarcerate their Bible-thumping asses. By the time this fabulous daydream ended, I had completely missed what Mr. Buckteeth had said. But I ad-libbed, trying to get the one line that would make them leave me alone.
"Hey, you know, look, guys," I sputtered out, trying to end this thing peacefully and nicely. "I was raised Catholic, Jesus is the Man, all that jazz."
"Oh," Stooge #1 interrupted alertly. "We're talking about more than Jesus. We're talking about the coming of a prophet. Like Moses. Do you know who Moses was?"
That question kinda boiled my blood. Yes I know who Moses is, you dumb shit. Stop being so holier than thou (no pun intended). "Yeah," I said in a exhasperated tone. It's at this point that I have to think that the Hell they're trying to "save" me from is actually just like this; living in an apartment where Jehovah's witnesses knock on your door for all eternity.
I then tried again to get to leave my doorstep. "Look guys, you've been here two other times and talked to me. Don't you have other parts of town to talk to?"
"The word of God must be spread, and we have more to share with you.........". He had more to say, but I again spaced out, wishing that a plane crashed into my complex at that moment. Stooge #2 jumped into the conversation, starting to babble on about how the world today is heading down the path to indulgance and sin, and it was up to them to alert people of their wrongs. The happy daydream of me bitchslapping them both and getting them for false imprisonment filled my head again. And I smiled.
Then it got interesting. Stooge #2 said something about the blasphemy of Dan Brown and the Da Vinci Code. Now, I honestly didn't like the book that much. But here's where I decided to fuck with them. He threw the dart at Dan Brown.
"Hey!" I chirped, throwing up my right index finger. "That was a good book, man!" I said acting all offended.
They were silent for a moment, and looked at each other. But like good little altar boys, they kept trying to reel me in. I don't know what they wanted from me. I guess they wanted to me to bust out my slacks and white shirt and follow them or something. Like THAT was going to happen. I was really fed up and wanted them to leave. It was to the point where I didn't even care about being polite anymore.
So I didn't.
The Stooges were still in full force. Stooge #1 ended his statement with "...and that's why we go around and knock on your neighbor's door."
Without missing a beat, I shoot them a a sarcastic smile and say loudly "Hey, great idea!". The last syllable was barely out of my mouth when I whipped the door shut, straight in their faces. What I heard one of them say afterward just made me laugh like a lunatic...
"Thank you for your time."
An hour later, my upstairs neighbor came downstairs and asked me if they had come and bothered me like they did with him. I said they did, and he told me to call the cops the next time they come. I assured him I would. That would make for one entertaining phone call. If I do end up doing it, I will record it, believe you me.
It wasn't a perfect Pwning. But trust me, if they ever do come back, I'm planning to burn them even worse. But I'm telling you, it was downright priceless, and so vindicating to just throw the front door right in their face.