Awfully Green.
Anyone else noticing a foul stench coming from Boston? It smells like a used diaper filled with Indian food. Something along the lines of a turd covered in burnt hair. What could that disgusting smell be, I wonder? ....
Oh wait, there's the source!
I didn't know an NBA team could emit such a malicious display of utter suckitude. The 2006-07 Boston Celtics have proven me wrong. As of today, after getting manhandled by the Heat last night, the Celtics are a putrid 12-36. That gives them a tie for the worst record in the entire NBA with the Memphis Grizzlies. What's even more depressing? A month ago, the C's record was 12-20. Do the math on that one. You'll find that the Celtics have not won a game in over a month. 16 consecutive losses, by far the franchise record for futility. The last time they notched one in the win column, 2007 was just but 5 days old. To say that any hope of playoffs this year has long been shot to ground and plugged with a box of bullets would be an understatement. Hell, it's so bad this year I might as well throw in the towel for next year as well.
But don't fret, Celtics players, coaches, and management. Because naturally as an opinionated fan, I have a plan that will help bring the Celtics out of this despondent funk and back to promised land... or at least back to the dignity of .500. If you follow this brilliant advice, no longer will you be the goat of the league... well, at least by next year. There's just no hope for this year. Anyway, here we go.
Lose Out
How can losing out possibly help the Celtics? Only by assuring they get the best possible chance of obtaining the #1 pick in the draft, if the lottery goes over correctly. Hell, even the #2 pick would be more than acceptable. There are two guys ready to explode onto the scene and completely take over the NBA in the most hotly decisive draft pick since LeBron or Carmelo? I do talk, of course, of Greg Oden and Kevin Durant. Both players are primed and ready to make an immediate impact in the NBA. That's good news for the Celtics. Of course, I recall the last time the C's were primed for the top pick. They got screwed over by the draft board and lost out on the #1 pick. The top pick that year? Tim Duncan. The guy who is an all-star every year, has won 3 NBA titles, one of the best centers still in the game today, possibly of all time, and is on his way to the Hall of Fame. Yeah, that Tim Duncan.
Bringing Back the Old Timers
Suit up, Larry Bird. Hey, Kevin McHale, grab your jersey. You still got skills, Robert Parrish. Hell, I'll even take old man Bill Russell. Come on back, guys. I know you're all old and decrepit and arthritis has eaten your joints. But honestly, I have a feeling you guys can bring more of a challenge to opponents than Scalibrine, Telfair, or Rondo. So get out of your wheelchair, Havlicek, and get a W for the young whipper-snappers.
Find a Shaman to Ressurect Red Auerbach
Auerbach was one of the greatest coaches of all time, if not the greatest. He unfortunately passed away several months ago. In his time with the Celtics franchise, he guided the team to 16 championships. That's not a typo. Sixteen. 9 of them came as a head coach, and the other 7 came as general manager. As a coach, he helped his team win 8 championships in a row. Tell me this guy isn't the best damn coach ever! It's with that mentality that I think he should once again pace up and down the sidelines for the team. I know there's that tricky problem of him being dead. But come on, there's got to be some Buddhist monk out there with the power to bring dead to life. Or hell, just go night of the living dead style. Sure, he may be a little corpsey and crave brains. But if the C's are winning, what're 2 or 3 brains eaten? I can imagine the press conference now to announce Red coming in. Doc Rivers is all "...what?". Red storms in and devours Doc whole. Best press conference ever.
Clone Paul Pierce
Paul is on the sidelines now with an injury, and may be there the rest of the year. But when he's playing, it's clear the C's are a better team. Which makes me think he's the only good player on that team. So just find a pro-clone scientist, seep some DNA out of Pierce, and incubate 4 or 5 more Paul Pierce's. That team would be fucking FIERCE. True, there wouldn't be any size, and they'd all fight over who gets the shot. But as long as someone is shooting those treys, it won't fucking matter. If this happens, the name of the team is being changed to the Boston Paul Pierces. Hells yes.
Potentially Reform the Potentially Potential
The Celtics have an enormous amount of potential on their team. But it hasn't panned out yet. Between the high potential of Al Jefferson, the uber-possibilities of Gerald Green, the could-be superstar status of Ryan Gomes, and maybe he'll be like MJ hype of Sebastian Telfair, the team is oozing with what COULD be. Well we the fans are tired of waiting. So here's what should happen. They should all be superformed into one collosal potential monster. Cram Al Jefferson, Gerald Green, Ryan Gomes, Sebastian Telfair, and Kendrick Perkins into one super player, and you may just have enough talent to reach that golden .500 mark. Seberaldrickyan Telffergreenomerkins will be the perfect compliment to Paul Pierce.
Move to the NBDL
There is one surefire way the Celtics would thrive this year and next. Not only thrive, but completely utterly dominate. We're talking going 37-3 in a full season. That's utter domination right there. How can the C's achieve such triumph while they wilt so badly now? Simple. Move them to the developmental league. Let them thrash the crap out of kids trying to find their game enough for the NBA. I can't wait for the Celtics to face the Toros, Skyforce, and I DEFINITELY will be watching their game against the Arkansas RimRockers! That game will be great!
Throw Danny Ainge in a Volcano
This may not help the team in the long run, but it sure couldn't hurt. Besides, Ainge still deserves punishment for picking up the albatross known as Micheal Olowakandi. That's a torture no team should be a party too. In the volcano you go, Danny.
So there's my brilliant plan that will get the Celtics out of the realm of suckitude and toward the realm of mediocrity. The Celtics brass would be wiser for having listened to this advice.... especially about throwing Ainge in a volcano.
Go Celtics.
Oh wait, there's the source!
I didn't know an NBA team could emit such a malicious display of utter suckitude. The 2006-07 Boston Celtics have proven me wrong. As of today, after getting manhandled by the Heat last night, the Celtics are a putrid 12-36. That gives them a tie for the worst record in the entire NBA with the Memphis Grizzlies. What's even more depressing? A month ago, the C's record was 12-20. Do the math on that one. You'll find that the Celtics have not won a game in over a month. 16 consecutive losses, by far the franchise record for futility. The last time they notched one in the win column, 2007 was just but 5 days old. To say that any hope of playoffs this year has long been shot to ground and plugged with a box of bullets would be an understatement. Hell, it's so bad this year I might as well throw in the towel for next year as well.
But don't fret, Celtics players, coaches, and management. Because naturally as an opinionated fan, I have a plan that will help bring the Celtics out of this despondent funk and back to promised land... or at least back to the dignity of .500. If you follow this brilliant advice, no longer will you be the goat of the league... well, at least by next year. There's just no hope for this year. Anyway, here we go.
Lose Out
How can losing out possibly help the Celtics? Only by assuring they get the best possible chance of obtaining the #1 pick in the draft, if the lottery goes over correctly. Hell, even the #2 pick would be more than acceptable. There are two guys ready to explode onto the scene and completely take over the NBA in the most hotly decisive draft pick since LeBron or Carmelo? I do talk, of course, of Greg Oden and Kevin Durant. Both players are primed and ready to make an immediate impact in the NBA. That's good news for the Celtics. Of course, I recall the last time the C's were primed for the top pick. They got screwed over by the draft board and lost out on the #1 pick. The top pick that year? Tim Duncan. The guy who is an all-star every year, has won 3 NBA titles, one of the best centers still in the game today, possibly of all time, and is on his way to the Hall of Fame. Yeah, that Tim Duncan.
Bringing Back the Old Timers
Suit up, Larry Bird. Hey, Kevin McHale, grab your jersey. You still got skills, Robert Parrish. Hell, I'll even take old man Bill Russell. Come on back, guys. I know you're all old and decrepit and arthritis has eaten your joints. But honestly, I have a feeling you guys can bring more of a challenge to opponents than Scalibrine, Telfair, or Rondo. So get out of your wheelchair, Havlicek, and get a W for the young whipper-snappers.
Find a Shaman to Ressurect Red Auerbach
Auerbach was one of the greatest coaches of all time, if not the greatest. He unfortunately passed away several months ago. In his time with the Celtics franchise, he guided the team to 16 championships. That's not a typo. Sixteen. 9 of them came as a head coach, and the other 7 came as general manager. As a coach, he helped his team win 8 championships in a row. Tell me this guy isn't the best damn coach ever! It's with that mentality that I think he should once again pace up and down the sidelines for the team. I know there's that tricky problem of him being dead. But come on, there's got to be some Buddhist monk out there with the power to bring dead to life. Or hell, just go night of the living dead style. Sure, he may be a little corpsey and crave brains. But if the C's are winning, what're 2 or 3 brains eaten? I can imagine the press conference now to announce Red coming in. Doc Rivers is all "...what?". Red storms in and devours Doc whole. Best press conference ever.
Clone Paul Pierce
Paul is on the sidelines now with an injury, and may be there the rest of the year. But when he's playing, it's clear the C's are a better team. Which makes me think he's the only good player on that team. So just find a pro-clone scientist, seep some DNA out of Pierce, and incubate 4 or 5 more Paul Pierce's. That team would be fucking FIERCE. True, there wouldn't be any size, and they'd all fight over who gets the shot. But as long as someone is shooting those treys, it won't fucking matter. If this happens, the name of the team is being changed to the Boston Paul Pierces. Hells yes.
Potentially Reform the Potentially Potential
The Celtics have an enormous amount of potential on their team. But it hasn't panned out yet. Between the high potential of Al Jefferson, the uber-possibilities of Gerald Green, the could-be superstar status of Ryan Gomes, and maybe he'll be like MJ hype of Sebastian Telfair, the team is oozing with what COULD be. Well we the fans are tired of waiting. So here's what should happen. They should all be superformed into one collosal potential monster. Cram Al Jefferson, Gerald Green, Ryan Gomes, Sebastian Telfair, and Kendrick Perkins into one super player, and you may just have enough talent to reach that golden .500 mark. Seberaldrickyan Telffergreenomerkins will be the perfect compliment to Paul Pierce.
Move to the NBDL
There is one surefire way the Celtics would thrive this year and next. Not only thrive, but completely utterly dominate. We're talking going 37-3 in a full season. That's utter domination right there. How can the C's achieve such triumph while they wilt so badly now? Simple. Move them to the developmental league. Let them thrash the crap out of kids trying to find their game enough for the NBA. I can't wait for the Celtics to face the Toros, Skyforce, and I DEFINITELY will be watching their game against the Arkansas RimRockers! That game will be great!
Throw Danny Ainge in a Volcano
This may not help the team in the long run, but it sure couldn't hurt. Besides, Ainge still deserves punishment for picking up the albatross known as Micheal Olowakandi. That's a torture no team should be a party too. In the volcano you go, Danny.
So there's my brilliant plan that will get the Celtics out of the realm of suckitude and toward the realm of mediocrity. The Celtics brass would be wiser for having listened to this advice.... especially about throwing Ainge in a volcano.
Go Celtics.