hindsight
I just reread the entries from a year or so ago.
Where I said I'd write in this more frequently and I was happy at my job and explicit about my fervor for making music with my best friends.
Well I haven't written in here nearly as much as I should have been. I quit that job I loved because of no other reason than me being compelled to. And I quit my band, dismantling trust within friendships and essentially killing a collective dream.
I'm not quite sure how all the actions I've ever made were made, I know my mind is a roller coaster and my home life hasn't been so great since my dad fell ill. I can't blame my actions on my father. I left ShuffleMaster because I tried to do my job 3 nights in a row and I couldn't. I honestly tried, buried myself into cycle counts and rearranging bins, and I just couldn't do it.
I'm aware of the Family Medical Leave Act, in which I could have asked for a time off to take care of my father, but I understand now what my mother has gone through in the matter. My dad's health is like my mind, it's a roller coaster. He gets better, he gets worse. You don't know when he'll pass out or fall.
I quit FedEx because I came home 3 times and he was on the floor, and I couldn't help but think it was my fault.
Family comes first. Before money. Even before personal goals. If I was to really pursue my music down the avenue I was headed, I would have left my mother in quite a position. I wouldn't see any money for months, if even I got a GOOD record deal, and even then, I was beginning to believe my music wasn't as good as I wanted it to be, and therefore not even good enough to warrant a deal.
We had an investor, but my destiny is determined by me and a man with money can't make music flow better.
I knew this would happen all along. I think we all did. And I think we hoped that some glorious day things would mix and we could go where we wanted and do what we wanted. That day didn't come for 3 years. Might it have come in a month? Maybe, but I just can't deal with the stress anymore, and I just can't allow great kids with amazing potential be hindered by whatever shortcomings as a band-mate I might have had.
I haven't seen Tyler or Forrest in person since I told them I quit. I feel like a villain. I can feel their disdain and despair. And you know, I should have said something sooner. I should have done this a long time ago.
But I can't change what I've done, I can only use this information to influence my future. And my future does not get worse because I left my band. I still want to make music, but I need to find my flow. I need to get so comfortable making music that I can see it go into my pores and come out of my hands.
I'm contemplating school. I'm determining whether or not I can do it, by doing it I mean getting a degree. In what? Audio recording and engineering. This musical world is now dominated by producers and engineers. There are very few good rock bands left, and the largest area for expression nowadays is hip hop. The most innovative and expressive music I have found has been hip hop, and I can't tell you I'm donning a hoodie and trying to rap. I'm just saying that hip hop is the truest music I've ever found.
Being a good rapper comes from the heart, you cannot be unaware of yourself and be a good emcee. Truth shines from you when you flow. And likewise, DJs and hip hop producers probably listen to more music and understand all types of music better than any guitar player.
I've spent 5 years trying to reinvent the wheel. I now have a grasp on what I set out to do in the first place. I want to be different, but I want to be relevant. I want to express myself, and I want to utilize my talents. The guitar will still be a weapon in my arsenal, but it's time I went to school and learned how to do all the things I want to do.
And as a closing note, I can only beg myself to not let my fickle being do what I've always done, and I can't let myself be a coward any longer. My world is more open and free to me than it has ever been, and I am looking forward to meeting it with an unbiased and clear mind.
I'm getting my house in order, and I'm taking care of my family. I need a job, but that will come when it comes. I can't force people to hire me. I can't force my friends to forgive me either. But I know, someday distant, there will be a solace not felt before, and we will know that our paths went the way they were supposed to go.
'Tis the season to make amends. And the New Year isn't just a change of date.