(no subject)
"One day when my life has some kind of linear pattern to it, I will be able to breathe without holding my breath. One day I will look back at the things that I did, and not remember that half of the bullshit happened. One day all the bitterness that I have retained for the people who have hurt me will fade to blank memories."
I wrote that a long time ago. To be exact, I wrote it on December 5, 2002. I bring it up again, because I meant it at the exact moment I wrote it...and it's still relevant now, even though I have no clue exactly what I wrote that in reference to all that time ago. I'm so much better at writing things in the moment, than I am at speaking them in the moment. Perhaps that's because I don't allow myself to say the things I know I need to say, when I need to say them. I told myself when I moved to Hattiesburg I would say those things. Now that I'm leaving Hattiesburg I'm asking myself why I still left things unsaid. I wonder if that even makes any sense when read. Maybe I can rephrase....
At some point, my life became out of control. In the past 6 months, I've not allowed myself to say much. I've sat back and allowed things to be said without responding. Why? Well, I guess it's because the past two years have been the hardest years of my life thus far. I've gone through more than I could have ever imagined. I've lost a lot...in more ways than one. And none of it was in my control. Nor was any of it my doing, thankfully. I've had to realize that sometimes things just end or are taken away, and there's nothing I can do about it. That's hard for someone like me to realize and accept. I've had to do that over and over in the past 2 years, and I've hated every minute of it. But, I've accepted it....and learned to let go. That's why I've been able to let things go unsaid. Because I've had to learn to let go. Somewhere along the ride, I let Hattiesburg go. I feel relieved for doing so. Letting go of Hattiesburg has allowed me to let go of a huge part of my life.
On the other hand, I feel like an asshole for doing that. But I had to. I couldn't take it anymore. Hattiesburg has taught me a lot about myself. And in the past month and a half, it's allowed me to see things through a different light. Sometimes all one needs is a little light. I definitely got mine. And even though I feel like I'm deserting...or picking up and running away [because that's what most of you have known me to do]...I'm not. I'm actually facing things head on, believe or not. I'm not here to convince you of that, though. You're entitled to your own opinion. In fact, I haven't even allowed myself to talk about it. That right there proves to me I'm not running away from anything, but heading towards something else. My emotions have been put through the ringer so much since the end of May. But I made it out alive. During the past month, I've allowed things to be said to me that I would NEVER have allowed before. I went a little crazy. I've had the best and worst times. I've taken everything I possibly could into consideration. I've sat back and watched the world move around me, wondering would things really be all that different if I wasn't here right now?
And in Hattiesburg's case, the answer to that is "no". I'm a self-sufficient, over-independent person, and in coming to terms with that, I've noticed that too many people here are like that. Their lives won't change because I'm leaving. Moments will change, but not lives. So I don't have to feel bad about moving back to the Coast. And I don't. If anything, I'm relieved. I need something. I've needed something for a long time now. And I'm taking control of things and getting it. Things don't feel so up in the air now. And my mind has calmed down enough for me to see clearly, and think clearly, and act clearly. Hell, maybe I'll even start sleeping again. Wouldn't that be novel?
I suppose the entire point of this entry was [in summation **wink wink**] to say that I haven't been myself for at least 6 months. I haven't been anyone for six months. I have tried more to push everyone away than anything. But, I can't really allow myself to apologize for that though, because I needed to realize some things about myself. I finally feel normal again...I finally feel like myself. I haven't felt like that in so long. It's nice to be back.
I wrote that a long time ago. To be exact, I wrote it on December 5, 2002. I bring it up again, because I meant it at the exact moment I wrote it...and it's still relevant now, even though I have no clue exactly what I wrote that in reference to all that time ago. I'm so much better at writing things in the moment, than I am at speaking them in the moment. Perhaps that's because I don't allow myself to say the things I know I need to say, when I need to say them. I told myself when I moved to Hattiesburg I would say those things. Now that I'm leaving Hattiesburg I'm asking myself why I still left things unsaid. I wonder if that even makes any sense when read. Maybe I can rephrase....
At some point, my life became out of control. In the past 6 months, I've not allowed myself to say much. I've sat back and allowed things to be said without responding. Why? Well, I guess it's because the past two years have been the hardest years of my life thus far. I've gone through more than I could have ever imagined. I've lost a lot...in more ways than one. And none of it was in my control. Nor was any of it my doing, thankfully. I've had to realize that sometimes things just end or are taken away, and there's nothing I can do about it. That's hard for someone like me to realize and accept. I've had to do that over and over in the past 2 years, and I've hated every minute of it. But, I've accepted it....and learned to let go. That's why I've been able to let things go unsaid. Because I've had to learn to let go. Somewhere along the ride, I let Hattiesburg go. I feel relieved for doing so. Letting go of Hattiesburg has allowed me to let go of a huge part of my life.
On the other hand, I feel like an asshole for doing that. But I had to. I couldn't take it anymore. Hattiesburg has taught me a lot about myself. And in the past month and a half, it's allowed me to see things through a different light. Sometimes all one needs is a little light. I definitely got mine. And even though I feel like I'm deserting...or picking up and running away [because that's what most of you have known me to do]...I'm not. I'm actually facing things head on, believe or not. I'm not here to convince you of that, though. You're entitled to your own opinion. In fact, I haven't even allowed myself to talk about it. That right there proves to me I'm not running away from anything, but heading towards something else. My emotions have been put through the ringer so much since the end of May. But I made it out alive. During the past month, I've allowed things to be said to me that I would NEVER have allowed before. I went a little crazy. I've had the best and worst times. I've taken everything I possibly could into consideration. I've sat back and watched the world move around me, wondering would things really be all that different if I wasn't here right now?
And in Hattiesburg's case, the answer to that is "no". I'm a self-sufficient, over-independent person, and in coming to terms with that, I've noticed that too many people here are like that. Their lives won't change because I'm leaving. Moments will change, but not lives. So I don't have to feel bad about moving back to the Coast. And I don't. If anything, I'm relieved. I need something. I've needed something for a long time now. And I'm taking control of things and getting it. Things don't feel so up in the air now. And my mind has calmed down enough for me to see clearly, and think clearly, and act clearly. Hell, maybe I'll even start sleeping again. Wouldn't that be novel?
I suppose the entire point of this entry was [in summation **wink wink**] to say that I haven't been myself for at least 6 months. I haven't been anyone for six months. I have tried more to push everyone away than anything. But, I can't really allow myself to apologize for that though, because I needed to realize some things about myself. I finally feel normal again...I finally feel like myself. I haven't felt like that in so long. It's nice to be back.