(no subject)
So, I'm on the Coast at my mother's house...or the house I'll soon be moving into....in a room too small to mention. One week. One solid week. This has been the craziest month of my life. It has flown by faster than the time after Katrina. I've been forced to sit down and do a self-eval. Granted, I've forced myself to do so, I think it's about time for that. Besides, I just drove 80 miles alone... some self-eval time was eminent.
Usually, when I go off in another direction with my life, I have control over things...I have a plan...a direction, if you will. For some reason, this has been more difficult for me than I could have ever imagined. I think the worst part of it all is the fact that, other than answering the same 40 questions over and over---(I have to take a pause here just to mention "F*ck her Gently" just came on my internet radio and I'm having a horrible time concentrating on what I'm trying to say)---ok....so other than answering the same 40 questions over and over everyday on an hourly basis, I really haven't allowed myself to talk about anything involving the situation. I just have so much to do in the meantime that I feel like I really don't have time to dwell on the present. I have to pack, I have to pay the bills, to work, I need boxes, I have a storage unit, I have people pulling me in every direction. I've picked up shifts to make sure I have extra money so that I can take the first week of July off to paint my room, and move my shit, and rip up carpet...and whatever else I have to do to make this small ass room livable. In the meantime, I'm still living in the same apartment with Bruce. I feel like I'm treading on eggshells for no apparent reason other than the fact that I broke things off with him. I don't feel sorry for him, and he obviously doesn't need me to, but it's more difficult than I thought it would be. Things seem so casual in our apartment. It's difficult not to treat him as a boyfriend...nothing has changed really. I mean, we still live together. The reality of it all hasn't set in. We're two single people living together. I don't feel single. I don't feel anything other than awkward moments where habit slips in, and I'm not sure how to handle that right now. And eventually I won't have to handle it....because I will be gone...out of the situation.out of Hattiesburg....
And of course, I've confided in no one. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want anyone in my head. And when I did let someone in, things just got contorted somehow.
On top of all of this, something else completely unrelated to my Hattiesburg life was thrown in my face in the worst way possible, and I've spent more than enough time trying to fix it. Trying to fix something I didn't break. To no avail. Always the same habits with me....someone else fucks up, and I'm left to try to piece it back together. Why? Why do I feel the urge to take on responsibilities that aren't mine? Because I care? Because I don't want to loose something else over NOTHING? I don't understand why my friends can't just be grown ups in grown up situations. If you want to act like a grown up and be in grown up situations, then it is your responsibility as a human being to be aware of your actions at all times. Not mine. I know what you're doing, and nine times out of ten, I'm just along for the ride. Until you start to affect my life. When you start affecting my life, I then take over your responsibilities (because I think that I can save the world sometimes) and try to turn things back around. Why am I doing your bidding? Because you aren't adult enough to do so? Because you still have that taste of high school in your mouth? Seriously? High school? Adult life, adult job, high school frame of mind. Those three things don't go together. And they never will. And the longer you allow yourself to "go with the flow of things" and act oblivious to yourself and your actions, and refuse to take responsibility for letting things go off in the wrong mother fucking direction, the longer you will be a lonely, miserable person. But you'll never read this, so you'll never know that. Poor you. Right? Poor, pitiful you.
----ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest....mostly-----
I'm exhausted and I can't sleep. Seven days. How in the hell am I going to get my shit together in seven days? I'm not...I know that I'm not. So, if you see me around, and we talk, and I seem to be somewhere else...well, I am. But just know that it's nothing personal. I have a lot going on right now. A whole lot more than I am willing to admit.
Usually, when I go off in another direction with my life, I have control over things...I have a plan...a direction, if you will. For some reason, this has been more difficult for me than I could have ever imagined. I think the worst part of it all is the fact that, other than answering the same 40 questions over and over---(I have to take a pause here just to mention "F*ck her Gently" just came on my internet radio and I'm having a horrible time concentrating on what I'm trying to say)---ok....so other than answering the same 40 questions over and over everyday on an hourly basis, I really haven't allowed myself to talk about anything involving the situation. I just have so much to do in the meantime that I feel like I really don't have time to dwell on the present. I have to pack, I have to pay the bills, to work, I need boxes, I have a storage unit, I have people pulling me in every direction. I've picked up shifts to make sure I have extra money so that I can take the first week of July off to paint my room, and move my shit, and rip up carpet...and whatever else I have to do to make this small ass room livable. In the meantime, I'm still living in the same apartment with Bruce. I feel like I'm treading on eggshells for no apparent reason other than the fact that I broke things off with him. I don't feel sorry for him, and he obviously doesn't need me to, but it's more difficult than I thought it would be. Things seem so casual in our apartment. It's difficult not to treat him as a boyfriend...nothing has changed really. I mean, we still live together. The reality of it all hasn't set in. We're two single people living together. I don't feel single. I don't feel anything other than awkward moments where habit slips in, and I'm not sure how to handle that right now. And eventually I won't have to handle it....because I will be gone...out of the situation.out of Hattiesburg....
And of course, I've confided in no one. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want anyone in my head. And when I did let someone in, things just got contorted somehow.
On top of all of this, something else completely unrelated to my Hattiesburg life was thrown in my face in the worst way possible, and I've spent more than enough time trying to fix it. Trying to fix something I didn't break. To no avail. Always the same habits with me....someone else fucks up, and I'm left to try to piece it back together. Why? Why do I feel the urge to take on responsibilities that aren't mine? Because I care? Because I don't want to loose something else over NOTHING? I don't understand why my friends can't just be grown ups in grown up situations. If you want to act like a grown up and be in grown up situations, then it is your responsibility as a human being to be aware of your actions at all times. Not mine. I know what you're doing, and nine times out of ten, I'm just along for the ride. Until you start to affect my life. When you start affecting my life, I then take over your responsibilities (because I think that I can save the world sometimes) and try to turn things back around. Why am I doing your bidding? Because you aren't adult enough to do so? Because you still have that taste of high school in your mouth? Seriously? High school? Adult life, adult job, high school frame of mind. Those three things don't go together. And they never will. And the longer you allow yourself to "go with the flow of things" and act oblivious to yourself and your actions, and refuse to take responsibility for letting things go off in the wrong mother fucking direction, the longer you will be a lonely, miserable person. But you'll never read this, so you'll never know that. Poor you. Right? Poor, pitiful you.
----ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest....mostly-----
I'm exhausted and I can't sleep. Seven days. How in the hell am I going to get my shit together in seven days? I'm not...I know that I'm not. So, if you see me around, and we talk, and I seem to be somewhere else...well, I am. But just know that it's nothing personal. I have a lot going on right now. A whole lot more than I am willing to admit.