(no subject)
This weekend was really good for me. There was no one around at ALL. It was kinda trippy. I just sat on the porch and barebecued and listened to music all day. And at night, I got a lot of school work done. But in the middle, I did a lot of thinking.
I started thinking about the events of the last few weeks. My state of mind, as of late, has not been such a good one. I've been a little... as Lonnie put it... "fragile". And I don't like that at all. So I did a lot of thinking about myself and my life. About where I've been and where I'm going.
I came to a sort of realization. I realized how unhappy...how downright sad I've been recently. And I realized that that's not really me. So I started thinking about what it is that's been making me so unhappy. (My answer to everyone lately has been "Well, if I knew what was making me so miserable, I could fix it and I wouldn't be sad anymore, but I have no idea what it is." And that answer sucks.)
So basically, from what I can figure, here's what's been weighing me down:
1.) The stress of obesessing about and trying to become someone else, in hopes that everyone will like me more.
2.) My grades, this semester, are not up to what they normally could be.
Seems weird that I can boil it all down to just two things. But there's a lot that goes along with those two little things. A lot of guilt and pain and disappointment.
But then I really thought about it. In terms of thing #1, Lonnie really helped to straighten a lot of that out for me. He helped me to realize that there's really no need for me to obsess about becoming someone else because they liked me for ME in the first place. And the events of the past week really helped me to see that when push comes to shove, there is very little that the two of them WON'T do for me when I need it. Even if it's at 2am on a Saturday night. And then suddenly, the pain was less.
And then there's thing #2. I thought about my life in terms of the big picture. I thought about everything that I have done in my life, and everything that I will do before I die. (And recently, I hadn't really been planning for a future of any kind.) But I've got to figure that if I continue on the path that I'm on, even if it doesn't get any better... my future has some good things in it. So I started thinking about my GPA. And then I asked myself, "Self, in the grand scheme of your life, what difference does a C or a B in Geology really make?" And the answer is: almost none. And then suddenly, the guilt and the disappointment was less.
I feel better. I feel lighter. And most notably, I feel happier.
All it took was one weekend by myself to remember who I am and what it is that makes me who I am.
I started thinking about the events of the last few weeks. My state of mind, as of late, has not been such a good one. I've been a little... as Lonnie put it... "fragile". And I don't like that at all. So I did a lot of thinking about myself and my life. About where I've been and where I'm going.
I came to a sort of realization. I realized how unhappy...how downright sad I've been recently. And I realized that that's not really me. So I started thinking about what it is that's been making me so unhappy. (My answer to everyone lately has been "Well, if I knew what was making me so miserable, I could fix it and I wouldn't be sad anymore, but I have no idea what it is." And that answer sucks.)
So basically, from what I can figure, here's what's been weighing me down:
1.) The stress of obesessing about and trying to become someone else, in hopes that everyone will like me more.
2.) My grades, this semester, are not up to what they normally could be.
Seems weird that I can boil it all down to just two things. But there's a lot that goes along with those two little things. A lot of guilt and pain and disappointment.
But then I really thought about it. In terms of thing #1, Lonnie really helped to straighten a lot of that out for me. He helped me to realize that there's really no need for me to obsess about becoming someone else because they liked me for ME in the first place. And the events of the past week really helped me to see that when push comes to shove, there is very little that the two of them WON'T do for me when I need it. Even if it's at 2am on a Saturday night. And then suddenly, the pain was less.
And then there's thing #2. I thought about my life in terms of the big picture. I thought about everything that I have done in my life, and everything that I will do before I die. (And recently, I hadn't really been planning for a future of any kind.) But I've got to figure that if I continue on the path that I'm on, even if it doesn't get any better... my future has some good things in it. So I started thinking about my GPA. And then I asked myself, "Self, in the grand scheme of your life, what difference does a C or a B in Geology really make?" And the answer is: almost none. And then suddenly, the guilt and the disappointment was less.
I feel better. I feel lighter. And most notably, I feel happier.
All it took was one weekend by myself to remember who I am and what it is that makes me who I am.