(no subject)
Can't sleep again.
I'm up, trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Lonnie, Skonkol and I were talking tonight. They've both promised to marry people if they're not married by a certain age. I, however, have not done this. Skonkol by 25, and Lonnie married and with kids at 26.
So what's wrong with me? Why have I not pre-arranged a marriage for myself? My grand life plan didn't include getting married until MUCH further down the line. I mean, I still have grad school, doctoral work, traveling, etc... right?
Or am I being crazy? Should I be looking to settle down at 20? Should I be living like I'm in the old country? I know that several of my friends think I'm rediculous for not wanting to get married right away. But that's ok for now.
But it's still in the front of my mind... what if nobody wants me? Ever?
What if I'm always that "funny" girl... the just-one-of-the-guys? That will be a tired game by the time I'm 30.
Society puts such a strong negative stigma with being single.
Honestly, I'm ok. I wouldn't mind having a boyfriend. But I also think it's stupid to force it with someone I only have warm (at best) feelings for, just to avoid being alone.
This isn't to say I think my friends are all right, or all wrong. I don't know what I think right now. I just wish that I didn't feel so... I don't know... everyone's just been giving me a lot of shit, lately. That's all, I guess.
To tell the truth, I really just need a hug.
This week has been a rough one. I had a crazy breakdown on Friday that was just... embarassing. And then Eric getting hurt scared the shit out of me. I had to do this whole OTF training thing, but all I could think about was him in the hospital and me bitching at him right before I left. That was hell.
Lonnie once told me to remember, "It's not just you against the world." But I wish I could believe that. My life is crumbling all around me and there's nobody around to help me catch the pieces. I'm just trying to put on the big kid face.
I'm up, trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Lonnie, Skonkol and I were talking tonight. They've both promised to marry people if they're not married by a certain age. I, however, have not done this. Skonkol by 25, and Lonnie married and with kids at 26.
So what's wrong with me? Why have I not pre-arranged a marriage for myself? My grand life plan didn't include getting married until MUCH further down the line. I mean, I still have grad school, doctoral work, traveling, etc... right?
Or am I being crazy? Should I be looking to settle down at 20? Should I be living like I'm in the old country? I know that several of my friends think I'm rediculous for not wanting to get married right away. But that's ok for now.
But it's still in the front of my mind... what if nobody wants me? Ever?
What if I'm always that "funny" girl... the just-one-of-the-guys? That will be a tired game by the time I'm 30.
Society puts such a strong negative stigma with being single.
Honestly, I'm ok. I wouldn't mind having a boyfriend. But I also think it's stupid to force it with someone I only have warm (at best) feelings for, just to avoid being alone.
This isn't to say I think my friends are all right, or all wrong. I don't know what I think right now. I just wish that I didn't feel so... I don't know... everyone's just been giving me a lot of shit, lately. That's all, I guess.
To tell the truth, I really just need a hug.
This week has been a rough one. I had a crazy breakdown on Friday that was just... embarassing. And then Eric getting hurt scared the shit out of me. I had to do this whole OTF training thing, but all I could think about was him in the hospital and me bitching at him right before I left. That was hell.
Lonnie once told me to remember, "It's not just you against the world." But I wish I could believe that. My life is crumbling all around me and there's nobody around to help me catch the pieces. I'm just trying to put on the big kid face.