...
I don't even know if I know how to express what I feel right now...
I feel...? frustrated? angry? stressed?
all of the words are right, but really none of them seem right at all.
Unease... Insecure... maybe those are more accurate.
or maybe how I feel is best described by the dots themselves...
...
I feel like every time I take a step forward, every inch that I crawl to try to steady myself, to stop things from spinning uncontrollably just seems to make everything be shaken up even more. Have you ever looked at sugar water? My life is like that... I keep waiting for things to settle down, be less chaotic, less unstable, but it's like every new shift just takes everything back to shaken. I keep thinking I've gotten things figured out, that it all makes sense, that I can handle everything. And then with the next step, its like all the pieces get blown apart all over again and I have to figure out how to make everything fit.
ok...maybe that is too drastic, things aren't really blown apart... but maybe it's more like my life is a puzzle that someone took apart and mixed with a few other puzzle boxes... I'm trying to put it back together, and pieces that look like they fit really belong to another puzzle. No...maybe the pieces that I think may belong to another, are really the pieces that really do belong to this one.
Or better yet, maybe it's only one puzzle to begin with, but I just can't see how everything fits together, and when a piece isn't fitting like I expect...
I get scared.
I keep realizing how much of a control freak I am, and how not being in control... or having things change really freaks me out...how I'm scared to trust and scared to let go of...well...knowing how all the puzsle pieces fit together.
I want to feel secure. I want to be able to trust without always second-guessing my judgment. I want to finally see things start working out and to get past this crap.
I have so many great things in my life...parts of my puzzle that are wonderful...zilla wonderful. And they fit into my puzzle just like they were made for it! They are the pieces I don't second-guess, the ones edges. I know that they are the corner pieces... the foundations and that will help and support me figuring out the rest of the puzzle. I know where they belong. And those pieces... they are ones I've been needing in my puzzle for so long. I don't know how I'd ever complete my puzzle without them.
But...there are all these other pieces too, and I'm just afraid because I can't figure out how they fit together as quickly as I would like. I can't tell if they are sky or water...trees or grass... and then when I'm certain they are one, but they fit in with the other, I can't help but to feel insecure, and to feel like I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe because I'm wanting that security and control so much, I'm forcing pieces to fit togehter that aren't really made to go together. If I just hammer and press hard enough, they'll fit, right? And when I relent, I just feel drained, and stressed and unsure.
I feel like I've screwed up so much, made so many mistakes, and I'm petrified to do it again. But I know the puzzle isn't the problem, it's me... the one trying to put it together. I guess it's a good thing God knows what the picture is supposed to look like, because from where I'm sitting I can't tell how most of the pieces fit together. And I just don't which section to work on next.
too bad my puzzle isn't one of those ones with only 5 pieces.... 5 big and obvious pieces. I think mine is one of those ones with the teeny little 10,000 pieces, that are mostly the same color and shape.
I wonder what the picture will look like when it's done?
I feel...? frustrated? angry? stressed?
all of the words are right, but really none of them seem right at all.
Unease... Insecure... maybe those are more accurate.
or maybe how I feel is best described by the dots themselves...
...
I feel like every time I take a step forward, every inch that I crawl to try to steady myself, to stop things from spinning uncontrollably just seems to make everything be shaken up even more. Have you ever looked at sugar water? My life is like that... I keep waiting for things to settle down, be less chaotic, less unstable, but it's like every new shift just takes everything back to shaken. I keep thinking I've gotten things figured out, that it all makes sense, that I can handle everything. And then with the next step, its like all the pieces get blown apart all over again and I have to figure out how to make everything fit.
ok...maybe that is too drastic, things aren't really blown apart... but maybe it's more like my life is a puzzle that someone took apart and mixed with a few other puzzle boxes... I'm trying to put it back together, and pieces that look like they fit really belong to another puzzle. No...maybe the pieces that I think may belong to another, are really the pieces that really do belong to this one.
Or better yet, maybe it's only one puzzle to begin with, but I just can't see how everything fits together, and when a piece isn't fitting like I expect...
I get scared.
I keep realizing how much of a control freak I am, and how not being in control... or having things change really freaks me out...how I'm scared to trust and scared to let go of...well...knowing how all the puzsle pieces fit together.
I want to feel secure. I want to be able to trust without always second-guessing my judgment. I want to finally see things start working out and to get past this crap.
I have so many great things in my life...parts of my puzzle that are wonderful...zilla wonderful. And they fit into my puzzle just like they were made for it! They are the pieces I don't second-guess, the ones edges. I know that they are the corner pieces... the foundations and that will help and support me figuring out the rest of the puzzle. I know where they belong. And those pieces... they are ones I've been needing in my puzzle for so long. I don't know how I'd ever complete my puzzle without them.
But...there are all these other pieces too, and I'm just afraid because I can't figure out how they fit together as quickly as I would like. I can't tell if they are sky or water...trees or grass... and then when I'm certain they are one, but they fit in with the other, I can't help but to feel insecure, and to feel like I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe because I'm wanting that security and control so much, I'm forcing pieces to fit togehter that aren't really made to go together. If I just hammer and press hard enough, they'll fit, right? And when I relent, I just feel drained, and stressed and unsure.
I feel like I've screwed up so much, made so many mistakes, and I'm petrified to do it again. But I know the puzzle isn't the problem, it's me... the one trying to put it together. I guess it's a good thing God knows what the picture is supposed to look like, because from where I'm sitting I can't tell how most of the pieces fit together. And I just don't which section to work on next.
too bad my puzzle isn't one of those ones with only 5 pieces.... 5 big and obvious pieces. I think mine is one of those ones with the teeny little 10,000 pieces, that are mostly the same color and shape.
I wonder what the picture will look like when it's done?