(no subject)
So, every time I've decided to write in this in the past few months I ended up deleting it and leaving the computer. We'll see how this one goes.
Last night I watched a six year old girl cry for her mother, thinking that she wasn't going to pick her up after her dinner party because she wasn't answering her phone. In reality she was just exhausted from her first week back at school and needed to go to bed. At first I felt awful for her, but then I started to get jealous. I truly wish it was socially acceptable for me to cry hysterically for my mom whenever I'm too tired to stay out. I suppose it's more mature to do what I always do and politely say goodnight and go home by myself, but it would be nice to have everyone else rush to finish their beers and drinks and go home with me. Then we could all watch dvr'd episodes of so you think you can dance and be happy.
I'm finding things out about myself from other people lately, mostly negative, which is doubly negative because I'm consequently finding out that I'm not self-aware. According to folks who will remain anonymous, I'm too hostile. According to others, and some the same, I've become a total space cadet. I'm also discovering that I don't know how to deal with friendships sometimes. When things start going wrong I give up. I think maybe I've lost my ability to fight for relationships after all the fighting I've done for them in the past. I don't fucking know.
Really at the center of this is that I want to be a good person. I want to be trustworthy, and reliable, someone who you know you can call up and talk to if you need someone to listen and maybe throw a few suggestions at you. I promise I can be that person, if anyone who I love is reading this.
Maybe the problem with some of my friendships is that they become too intense, too quickly. I've had more than one friendship that was utterly reminscent of a romantic relationship, minus the romance. We fall in love super fast, spend all our time together, and eventually start to bug the shit out of each other, and then it's over. I don't think it's anybody's fault, but it's really unfortunate. I'm trying to be optomistic that some of these types of frienships can be salvaged into something different. Something more functional.
On a different note, my dad pointed out to me tonight that I should happy to be single right now. He feels that although he made the obvious right choice when he got married, that I should not be making plans or doing anything for anyone but myself right now. He thinks I should spend another four or five years this way. Maybe he's right. I try to listen to my parents' advice as much as possible. I've been considering what it would be like to have a partner right now, assuming that it would be better, but perhaps I need to just make my life better for me. Any man that could come into my life and just improve it instantly would have to be magical. There are so many things that I do want to do, unfortunately I don't know what most of them are, and it's been difficult trying to think of them. . .
I want to take a dance class per week, alternating tap and hip hop. I want to go to england to study abroad during intersession. I want to take my love for fashion, stop shopping, and start making clothes again. (again, i guess would be referring to when i started making a leapord print skirt in the ninth grade). I want to have a better relationship with my brother, but I don't have the first clue where to start. Maybe we could take tap class together. Actually, i heard that he bought a ukelele and has been playing it a lot, along with the guitar. It inspired me get a new hobby or two for myself. We'll see.
Oh one more thing I want to do is stop talking about/thinking about my weight all the time. I'm definitely not going to talk about it anymore, enough is enough. I'm a weight loss journey that has been going very well but it shouldn't be defining me. It should make Anna happy too. And glick, not that I ever talk about it with her.
I really am going to try and work on my shabby friendships, and maintain my currently good ones. I can be a good friend, I know it.
What a cheesy fucking way to end a blog. Sigh.
Last night I watched a six year old girl cry for her mother, thinking that she wasn't going to pick her up after her dinner party because she wasn't answering her phone. In reality she was just exhausted from her first week back at school and needed to go to bed. At first I felt awful for her, but then I started to get jealous. I truly wish it was socially acceptable for me to cry hysterically for my mom whenever I'm too tired to stay out. I suppose it's more mature to do what I always do and politely say goodnight and go home by myself, but it would be nice to have everyone else rush to finish their beers and drinks and go home with me. Then we could all watch dvr'd episodes of so you think you can dance and be happy.
I'm finding things out about myself from other people lately, mostly negative, which is doubly negative because I'm consequently finding out that I'm not self-aware. According to folks who will remain anonymous, I'm too hostile. According to others, and some the same, I've become a total space cadet. I'm also discovering that I don't know how to deal with friendships sometimes. When things start going wrong I give up. I think maybe I've lost my ability to fight for relationships after all the fighting I've done for them in the past. I don't fucking know.
Really at the center of this is that I want to be a good person. I want to be trustworthy, and reliable, someone who you know you can call up and talk to if you need someone to listen and maybe throw a few suggestions at you. I promise I can be that person, if anyone who I love is reading this.
Maybe the problem with some of my friendships is that they become too intense, too quickly. I've had more than one friendship that was utterly reminscent of a romantic relationship, minus the romance. We fall in love super fast, spend all our time together, and eventually start to bug the shit out of each other, and then it's over. I don't think it's anybody's fault, but it's really unfortunate. I'm trying to be optomistic that some of these types of frienships can be salvaged into something different. Something more functional.
On a different note, my dad pointed out to me tonight that I should happy to be single right now. He feels that although he made the obvious right choice when he got married, that I should not be making plans or doing anything for anyone but myself right now. He thinks I should spend another four or five years this way. Maybe he's right. I try to listen to my parents' advice as much as possible. I've been considering what it would be like to have a partner right now, assuming that it would be better, but perhaps I need to just make my life better for me. Any man that could come into my life and just improve it instantly would have to be magical. There are so many things that I do want to do, unfortunately I don't know what most of them are, and it's been difficult trying to think of them. . .
I want to take a dance class per week, alternating tap and hip hop. I want to go to england to study abroad during intersession. I want to take my love for fashion, stop shopping, and start making clothes again. (again, i guess would be referring to when i started making a leapord print skirt in the ninth grade). I want to have a better relationship with my brother, but I don't have the first clue where to start. Maybe we could take tap class together. Actually, i heard that he bought a ukelele and has been playing it a lot, along with the guitar. It inspired me get a new hobby or two for myself. We'll see.
Oh one more thing I want to do is stop talking about/thinking about my weight all the time. I'm definitely not going to talk about it anymore, enough is enough. I'm a weight loss journey that has been going very well but it shouldn't be defining me. It should make Anna happy too. And glick, not that I ever talk about it with her.
I really am going to try and work on my shabby friendships, and maintain my currently good ones. I can be a good friend, I know it.
What a cheesy fucking way to end a blog. Sigh.