Just wanted to share.
I've been so happy lately. Not only because I'm almost finished with my first year of grad school, or because I just spent 5 days in Florida with two of my best friends, or because my family is amazing and my friends are the greatest. I'm just content. I'm in control of my life now, and I can feel it.
I've been thinking a lot about letting go of grievances. Mom says there is no such thing as a justifiable grudge. You have to let it go. And you know what. . . I have and I am.
To my first boyfriend. Let's be honest, you hurt me bad. You made me afraid to reject men who want to be sexual with me. You turned me into an object and it took me a long time to treat me like a person again, because of it. . . But, you were sick. You may still be, I don't know. The sooner you realize your faults, the sooner they will go away. I hope you get better.
Joe. I have to thank my program practice counselor for helping me see what was eating at me when it comes to you. Because of her, I see now that my fixation with what you did to me, and others, is just another one of my obsessions. And that if you had not done those things to me, it could have been any other morally bankrupt person who did. You're not special. I see it very clearly. I just hope the other people you have hurt can see it as well. And I do truly hope you get better one day. For you and your mother.
Joanna. All the hurt you caused me was my own fault. It was my own insecurity. Yes you shamelessly flaunted your talent and beauty, but the reason it got to me was because I hated myself so much. I wanted nothing more than to be thin and gorgeous, have attention from every boy, and also be able to sing like an angel. I was envious. And I'm sorry for that, to me and you.
Kristin. You ended our friendship over a drunken night of indiscretions. I couldn't understand at the time why you were so vile to me and why you would stop speaking to me over it. Now I know that it was because you were mad at yourself. You had done something similar yourself, something much more hurtful and you were projecting your feelings. Truthfully your behavior left a bad taste in my mouth that hasn't quite gone away, but I will always appreciate all the help and support you did give me.
Chela. You are last and certainly not least. I think a year ago we were both blind to one another, but now we see. I see that I have to let you live your life exactly as you want it, and not the way I, or my family, or your family, or anyone else sees best. And I think you can see now that my intrusiveness came from love. I love you and I only want you to be happy. And I know you are, and it. . . warms me, for lack of a better description. I wish decades and decades of happiness for you and Sebastian, and Eliah, and any future wonders you may produce. You'll always be my best friend.
If anyone is offended by this, I'm sorry. I can only suggest that you do what I'm trying to do, and let it go.
I've been thinking a lot about letting go of grievances. Mom says there is no such thing as a justifiable grudge. You have to let it go. And you know what. . . I have and I am.
To my first boyfriend. Let's be honest, you hurt me bad. You made me afraid to reject men who want to be sexual with me. You turned me into an object and it took me a long time to treat me like a person again, because of it. . . But, you were sick. You may still be, I don't know. The sooner you realize your faults, the sooner they will go away. I hope you get better.
Joe. I have to thank my program practice counselor for helping me see what was eating at me when it comes to you. Because of her, I see now that my fixation with what you did to me, and others, is just another one of my obsessions. And that if you had not done those things to me, it could have been any other morally bankrupt person who did. You're not special. I see it very clearly. I just hope the other people you have hurt can see it as well. And I do truly hope you get better one day. For you and your mother.
Joanna. All the hurt you caused me was my own fault. It was my own insecurity. Yes you shamelessly flaunted your talent and beauty, but the reason it got to me was because I hated myself so much. I wanted nothing more than to be thin and gorgeous, have attention from every boy, and also be able to sing like an angel. I was envious. And I'm sorry for that, to me and you.
Kristin. You ended our friendship over a drunken night of indiscretions. I couldn't understand at the time why you were so vile to me and why you would stop speaking to me over it. Now I know that it was because you were mad at yourself. You had done something similar yourself, something much more hurtful and you were projecting your feelings. Truthfully your behavior left a bad taste in my mouth that hasn't quite gone away, but I will always appreciate all the help and support you did give me.
Chela. You are last and certainly not least. I think a year ago we were both blind to one another, but now we see. I see that I have to let you live your life exactly as you want it, and not the way I, or my family, or your family, or anyone else sees best. And I think you can see now that my intrusiveness came from love. I love you and I only want you to be happy. And I know you are, and it. . . warms me, for lack of a better description. I wish decades and decades of happiness for you and Sebastian, and Eliah, and any future wonders you may produce. You'll always be my best friend.
If anyone is offended by this, I'm sorry. I can only suggest that you do what I'm trying to do, and let it go.