A little tale for Angela...
So I'm talking to homegirl online and she asks how I'm doing... I told her it would take a while, and would prolly be better if I just posted it for the masses...
When me and Sam split up, it was hard. There was no warning, no real hint of what was coming...just suddenly I was loved then I wasn't. She had questions that are hers and hers alone to answer, but left me feeling like I'd done something wrong. Through some pretty cold conversations, and a bitter couple of weeks, I waited. It felt as if my heart was being ripped out and used as a trampoline. Bouncy bouncy...
I tried to still be her friend, but I was hurt...bitterly, angrily hurt. 300 lbs skinheads that are bitter and angry have very little control over their words so eventually I had to break it off, totally, or I was going to hurt her...I told her not to call me anymore. That was probably the single hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Her voice had become like water to a man in the desert, and although it hurt I felt that I couldn't survive without her. But our friendship had become a lie of gritted teeth smiles, and hidden emotion. I was losing it.
So we stopped talking, and I tried to get on with my sham of a life. Got a few things done, got back in touch with old friends, and even started a really crackheaded internet radio station http://www.revoltradio.rinkerrocks.com .
One of the friends I got ahold of was a girlfriend I'd been with for years, Izzy. We love each other dearly, but we don't take it very seriously because even though we'd take bullets for each other, she's a lesbian, and I respect that. Last Wedenesday I spent the night at her place, we had a few beers and talked about life and what had happened...she was going through a much similar (although much worse) situation with her girl, and we have always been good shoulders for each other to cry on. Well, while we were talking, Izzy's girl called, and they got in a huge argument. During the fight, they split up again. Afterwards, it was horrible...it always breaks my heart to see a strong person cry. I sat there with her for a few hours making sure she was okay. I sat there telling her a simple truth. If you can't forgive someone, you probably shouldn't be with them. "Izzy, move on, it'll be better eventually." As the hour got later and later, I repeated myself, and I don't know if it was the beer, or the fact that I'd been up for 48+ hours at this point, but all of a sudden I had a moment of clarity...I said, "Buddha, move on it'll be okay..." She looked at me kinda funny, and the look on my face had to be priceless...I sat there in shock for a moment, while she looked at me. Right then and there I realized that I had to do a few things...
I stayed with Izzy that night until she was ready to go to bed. After I shocked us both, we sat there, listened to some music, talked some shit and I tried to make her laugh...I'm pretty good at that. She looked a lot better when I kissed her goodnight and left.
When I got home I had to deal with my new realizations:
1) I can't forgive someone if I have hope of being with them. This will leave me false hope, and that will destroy any friendship I ever had the possibility of having.
2) Sam's important to me, and I want to be there for her...as a friend, which is what she really needs.
3) I have to forgive her.
4) I have to lose her to do it.
In order to be able to become Sam's friend, I had to forgive her, but before I could forgive her for hurting me, I had to let her go. We had talked about getting back together eventually, but I couldn't at this point, or I'd still be wondering how long it would last... Once I finally let her go, I forgave her, and smiled the first real smile in three weeks...thank you again, Izzy.
I called Sam and talked to her and I think she understands. If we were to get together before I had forgiven her, I never would have...which is cancer in a relationship.
Since then, something a little on the order of bizarre has happened. I was going through the numbers in my phone to find someone to hang out with Thurday night. Izzy was busy, and the rest of my friends were at work or with their girlfriends. Don't wanna be a third wheel, y'know?
So as I'm going through the list, I see this person I haven't talked to in years. A female I've known since I was a little buddha, about 20 years ago. We've hung out off and on throughout the years, and there has been huge ups and downs in our friendship over time, yet somehow we always manage to have a good time. We'd dated when I was eighteen and that ended up a dismal failure, but we have always remained friends. We took two wildly different paths in our lives, but still can sit and talk for hours...one of those lifelong friends.
I called, and she wasn't doing anything so she decided to come over and hang out for a while. I don't know what the hell it was, but when she got out of her truck, it was as if 20yrs of questions, thoughts and feeling poured out. Talk about tension...but as we talked, it disappeared and, well, we ended up talking until sunrise...did it again two days later...and again last night. Uhmm...talking...ahem.
So now, me and Sam are talking, and I'm glad I still have a friend in her. Maybe soon we'll be able to hang out again without the weirdness. But if not, at least I tried. Me and Izzy are sitting with our backs to the wall as we've always done, and we're actually pulling it off this time...FTW, we'll take 'em! And I have a new love, who already knows the good and bad about me, as I know hers...and she still loves me. Strange fucking world...
Well, there you go Angela, that's what's going on with me...
When me and Sam split up, it was hard. There was no warning, no real hint of what was coming...just suddenly I was loved then I wasn't. She had questions that are hers and hers alone to answer, but left me feeling like I'd done something wrong. Through some pretty cold conversations, and a bitter couple of weeks, I waited. It felt as if my heart was being ripped out and used as a trampoline. Bouncy bouncy...
I tried to still be her friend, but I was hurt...bitterly, angrily hurt. 300 lbs skinheads that are bitter and angry have very little control over their words so eventually I had to break it off, totally, or I was going to hurt her...I told her not to call me anymore. That was probably the single hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Her voice had become like water to a man in the desert, and although it hurt I felt that I couldn't survive without her. But our friendship had become a lie of gritted teeth smiles, and hidden emotion. I was losing it.
So we stopped talking, and I tried to get on with my sham of a life. Got a few things done, got back in touch with old friends, and even started a really crackheaded internet radio station http://www.revoltradio.rinkerrocks.com .
One of the friends I got ahold of was a girlfriend I'd been with for years, Izzy. We love each other dearly, but we don't take it very seriously because even though we'd take bullets for each other, she's a lesbian, and I respect that. Last Wedenesday I spent the night at her place, we had a few beers and talked about life and what had happened...she was going through a much similar (although much worse) situation with her girl, and we have always been good shoulders for each other to cry on. Well, while we were talking, Izzy's girl called, and they got in a huge argument. During the fight, they split up again. Afterwards, it was horrible...it always breaks my heart to see a strong person cry. I sat there with her for a few hours making sure she was okay. I sat there telling her a simple truth. If you can't forgive someone, you probably shouldn't be with them. "Izzy, move on, it'll be better eventually." As the hour got later and later, I repeated myself, and I don't know if it was the beer, or the fact that I'd been up for 48+ hours at this point, but all of a sudden I had a moment of clarity...I said, "Buddha, move on it'll be okay..." She looked at me kinda funny, and the look on my face had to be priceless...I sat there in shock for a moment, while she looked at me. Right then and there I realized that I had to do a few things...
I stayed with Izzy that night until she was ready to go to bed. After I shocked us both, we sat there, listened to some music, talked some shit and I tried to make her laugh...I'm pretty good at that. She looked a lot better when I kissed her goodnight and left.
When I got home I had to deal with my new realizations:
1) I can't forgive someone if I have hope of being with them. This will leave me false hope, and that will destroy any friendship I ever had the possibility of having.
2) Sam's important to me, and I want to be there for her...as a friend, which is what she really needs.
3) I have to forgive her.
4) I have to lose her to do it.
In order to be able to become Sam's friend, I had to forgive her, but before I could forgive her for hurting me, I had to let her go. We had talked about getting back together eventually, but I couldn't at this point, or I'd still be wondering how long it would last... Once I finally let her go, I forgave her, and smiled the first real smile in three weeks...thank you again, Izzy.
I called Sam and talked to her and I think she understands. If we were to get together before I had forgiven her, I never would have...which is cancer in a relationship.
Since then, something a little on the order of bizarre has happened. I was going through the numbers in my phone to find someone to hang out with Thurday night. Izzy was busy, and the rest of my friends were at work or with their girlfriends. Don't wanna be a third wheel, y'know?
So as I'm going through the list, I see this person I haven't talked to in years. A female I've known since I was a little buddha, about 20 years ago. We've hung out off and on throughout the years, and there has been huge ups and downs in our friendship over time, yet somehow we always manage to have a good time. We'd dated when I was eighteen and that ended up a dismal failure, but we have always remained friends. We took two wildly different paths in our lives, but still can sit and talk for hours...one of those lifelong friends.
I called, and she wasn't doing anything so she decided to come over and hang out for a while. I don't know what the hell it was, but when she got out of her truck, it was as if 20yrs of questions, thoughts and feeling poured out. Talk about tension...but as we talked, it disappeared and, well, we ended up talking until sunrise...did it again two days later...and again last night. Uhmm...talking...ahem.
So now, me and Sam are talking, and I'm glad I still have a friend in her. Maybe soon we'll be able to hang out again without the weirdness. But if not, at least I tried. Me and Izzy are sitting with our backs to the wall as we've always done, and we're actually pulling it off this time...FTW, we'll take 'em! And I have a new love, who already knows the good and bad about me, as I know hers...and she still loves me. Strange fucking world...
Well, there you go Angela, that's what's going on with me...