the truth is I dont even believe what I write anymore

[bmefree6]

I feel so useless. My life is as important as a rock, a fat rock. The funny thing is...Im not saying this because Im depressed because I discovered today that Im not. Im actually happier than Ive been for awhile, which I guess is sad since the opening line of this was "I feel so useless". The truth is I have always defined my life through other people...who loves me, who my friends are, what people think when they see me. And I look at things now...and I have people eho love and I have friends and Ive basically stopped caring about what people think, but Im missing something. Something, big, huge, hugely big even. I want that other love, not the kind from my mom or dad or my friends. That boy girl love...like...lust...anything to make that one part of my heart filled. And I know what your thinking, that parts not that important, and yea I know that. But I dont want to be logical when it comes to that one thing. In fact I want to be completely illogical, I want to have no idea whats normal or where reality ends and fiction begins. I want a love story of epic movie proportions, Id even settle for cheap romance novel sleaze for now. I want girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, boy leaves/marries someone else/doesnt notice girl, boy realizes he loves girl in the next to last scene and sweeps her off her feet kind of thing. I know its not real, it just doesnt happen, we can pretend and we can hope and dream and wait around but in the end theres only me,you,him,her,them,it,love,hate,war,peace,black,white...theres no grey, no room for change or extravagance or earth shattering anything...this is it...I had a dream last night. It wasnt overly memorable just your typical dream, but for some reason it stuck with me, maybe its simplicity or the fact that it was me in the dream and not who I typically dream myself to be(someone much prettier, thinner,etc.) and there was a boy, not a heart throb...it wasnt Ben Affleck or the Canadian or any other man of my dreams except he was the man of my dreams. He was boring, one of those guys you see and think hmm and then forget 2 minutes later. Any yadda yadda yadda were in love, but it doesnt work out and the most vivid part of the dream was one simple conversation
me: i dont want to be that girl
him:what girl?
me:exactly..
I have no idea what it means or if it means anything at all, but its there, in the back of my head poking at me saying "your only that girl, that girl who people kind of remeber from high school, that girl who never quite seemed to figure things out, that girl who ended up alone, the girl who found the love of her life but throught it away because she was waiting for something else...