(no subject)
So I'll heed the random impulse to summarize my goings on, but this time I won't commit in the least to making it a regular thing. It's weird cause I've had the urge to write fiction lately, the superficial kind of urge because It never materializes beyond a couple of lofty sentences. I wasn't really going anywhere in particular with that train of thought, because to commit at all to writing fiction here would be utterly ridiculous as well. I'm home on another out and out undergraduate summer break but this one is different for two important reasons. For one thing, it wasn't supposed to be out and out (meaning exactly like the last 3 and basic to the format of the summer break from college). I was supposed to graduate and leave off the end cap of the out and out summer break, the start of a new semester, certain, and only a short ways in tthe future. In fact the majority of my freshman year friends, (or in some instances aquaintances both hostile and amiable) did do that and theyre not going to either come back at all or at least not be in the same established grind of semster break semester break new year. I don't know why but this whole idea makes it different, even though I will be back for at least one more semester and so this is either a reason why its the same as the past three breaks, or one of two things thats different. The second is that I don't work with the county, like I probably would have started today, and I'm not going to. I did that the summer before college, which in a small way was like these college summers, but not really at all because I didn't have an established spot in two different places - and I've been doing it ever since. I feel pretty good about it, though I have been meaning to get in touch with someone there, there were so many good people and Im getting nostolgic but the truth is I would have been working 830-430 with an hour of commuting in an air conditioned office with a staff that probably has a mean age thats twice mine. And the clients were mean too, I'm glad I don't have to talk on the phone and deal with confrontation but without this job I may become even less able to handle conflict than I already feel. I don't know. The first reason scares me a lot though, mainly because of Molly. I spent more time with her than everyone else put together this past year so I don't know what it will be like without her. I feel bad but it makes me angry when she really wants me to come see her and I should feel just the opposite. Its like things with our relationship changed so drastically and yet not at all and I think Im frustrated but no matter what she so awesome, shes the most awesome person I could picture spending time alone with and Im just caught in the middle of changing and staying the same. But here I am in the place Ive always come back to, at least as far back as I can truly remember and I have to remind myself how important every minute here is, even if it fades out or gets lost in the dynamics of things that change. But I guess that nothing really stays the same even if it's only getting older. Been partying. Which is really good, especially Atlantic City yesterday at Brand New, it was fucking sweet. And I have great passion for beer pong. These are the fragments I think I really want to record right now. Also I hate gambling.