December
That time of year is here.
The pain does reappear.
All I want is to be loved and to have a happy family. I will have to generate these for myself. However, time will be needed to do such. I don't hate the "Holiday season", I don't hate the happiness others have. I guess the closest emotion, as I sit here and reflect on it, is jealousy. How sad/ugly/unfair is that? I want to be happy. I want to enjoy the holidays. However, I don't have that as an option at the moment. Or at least I can't/won't fake happiness.
Sadly, I am just a bah-hum-bug. I state this openly and have stated quite frequently, I do not like this time of year. Maybe I dislike it because it focuses on a void in my being and life. Most of you know the stories of why I don't know any of my Mother's side of the family. In addition, all of you know what happened in December two years ago. Finally, most of you have an understanding of why I am not close to my most extended family. That being said, why should I be in such a fantastic mood.
I don't like feeling obligated to be happy. I don't like being forced to do anything. I am very rebellious when it comes to doing things that aren't rational. If I can even make up a logical reason I'll be okay. I also know there are battles that are not worth fighting.
However, if I am thankful for one thing it is work. I have been able to lose myself in my work. December is almost over. I made it 23 days without even flinching. Wow, I must consider that a success. I am also thankful for the mild winters of my home state. It has been easy to forget December when you are wearing t-shirts, shorts, and flip-flops (Florida Xmas ftw!)
I say this again. I know that Xmas is near, I know everyone wants to be in a great mood. But, I ask you this why put on a charade for one month of the year? Why not seek happiness 365 days a year? Why isn't the summer the "let's get together with family and act like we like each other" time of the year?
I know why. It's too much work. It's too hard to be consistent. It's too hard to be honest. It's too hard to accept who we really are... actors. Cheers! Fake it 'til you make it.
I digress... I wonder if I have grown complacent. Am I happy being unhappy. Perhaps, I should restate that. Am I comfortable being unhappy? I don't think so. I've never been good at self-evaluation. I always think I'm failing. I have a negative point of view on it. How can you be disappointed when you expect the worst?
Another question? I wonder have I grown to enjoy confrontation... I love the chance to make a point and defend said point. I think one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone makes a point that is subject at best, then refuses to make a stand for that point. I'm eager to discuss any controversial point, as most of my friends are like-minded we rarely have such discussions. I wonder if I should just take some class at USF that allows for debate. Oh how I love intellectual arguments.
This will probably be edited later to correct my mistakes. I love how peculiar I am. I'm a selective perfectionist, it makes sense to me. All in all, I am happy with who I am. I am planning some changes in the near future, however I want to make my own, private goals for myself. That way I can truly test myself and my self-motivation.
The pain does reappear.
All I want is to be loved and to have a happy family. I will have to generate these for myself. However, time will be needed to do such. I don't hate the "Holiday season", I don't hate the happiness others have. I guess the closest emotion, as I sit here and reflect on it, is jealousy. How sad/ugly/unfair is that? I want to be happy. I want to enjoy the holidays. However, I don't have that as an option at the moment. Or at least I can't/won't fake happiness.
Sadly, I am just a bah-hum-bug. I state this openly and have stated quite frequently, I do not like this time of year. Maybe I dislike it because it focuses on a void in my being and life. Most of you know the stories of why I don't know any of my Mother's side of the family. In addition, all of you know what happened in December two years ago. Finally, most of you have an understanding of why I am not close to my most extended family. That being said, why should I be in such a fantastic mood.
I don't like feeling obligated to be happy. I don't like being forced to do anything. I am very rebellious when it comes to doing things that aren't rational. If I can even make up a logical reason I'll be okay. I also know there are battles that are not worth fighting.
However, if I am thankful for one thing it is work. I have been able to lose myself in my work. December is almost over. I made it 23 days without even flinching. Wow, I must consider that a success. I am also thankful for the mild winters of my home state. It has been easy to forget December when you are wearing t-shirts, shorts, and flip-flops (Florida Xmas ftw!)
I say this again. I know that Xmas is near, I know everyone wants to be in a great mood. But, I ask you this why put on a charade for one month of the year? Why not seek happiness 365 days a year? Why isn't the summer the "let's get together with family and act like we like each other" time of the year?
I know why. It's too much work. It's too hard to be consistent. It's too hard to be honest. It's too hard to accept who we really are... actors. Cheers! Fake it 'til you make it.
I digress... I wonder if I have grown complacent. Am I happy being unhappy. Perhaps, I should restate that. Am I comfortable being unhappy? I don't think so. I've never been good at self-evaluation. I always think I'm failing. I have a negative point of view on it. How can you be disappointed when you expect the worst?
Another question? I wonder have I grown to enjoy confrontation... I love the chance to make a point and defend said point. I think one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone makes a point that is subject at best, then refuses to make a stand for that point. I'm eager to discuss any controversial point, as most of my friends are like-minded we rarely have such discussions. I wonder if I should just take some class at USF that allows for debate. Oh how I love intellectual arguments.
This will probably be edited later to correct my mistakes. I love how peculiar I am. I'm a selective perfectionist, it makes sense to me. All in all, I am happy with who I am. I am planning some changes in the near future, however I want to make my own, private goals for myself. That way I can truly test myself and my self-motivation.