Random thoughts about random tv shows
I've been watching a ton of tv during this hellscape summer, and I have random opinions about them. YMMV.
The King's Affection (Netflix): 3 out of 5 stars
So, there's a lot of foreign content on streaming services now, which is both great and terrible. Great because it exposes western audiences to different types of entertainment, genres and actors, but also terrible because bad tv knows no boundaries. I watched a lot of anime on Netflix I'd never heard of, and then became curious about filmed historical dramas. The King's Affection was recommended based on my viewing history, and the story sounded promising (female twin to a crown prince must assume his identity when he dies to protect the realm) so I tried it. Firstly, I watched the English-dubbed version (it's in Korean) because there are a fuckton of episodes and I didn't want to read the whole thing, but lawd, the dubbed voices are awful. I've come to realize the wrong voice actor for a character can color my opinion of someone that has nothing to do with the actions of that character. For example, the romantic lead, Ji-woon, is voiced by someone who has the emotional subtlety of a circus clown, while the person voicing his father, Inspector Jung (who is a nemesis), is sorta sexy. It messes with your mind a little. There are also some frustrating elements which I think reflect cultural differences. There is a ton of unresolved emotional tension between Prince Hwi (secretly a woman) and Ji-woon (Hwi's childhood friend and first love), which is right up my alley. However, these two spend almost 15 episodes not doing anything but stare at each other, and even for those who love slow burns, it's a bit much. I understand that intimacy is portrayed modestly in Korean culture, but that's a lot to invest in the faint hope that Hwi and Ji-woon might end up... I dunno, handholding? Kissing each other on the cheek? In other words, the anticipation doesn't pay off well. Also, there are unfortunate comedic breaks, mugging and slightly cringey physical comedy in it. But it's like this super serious drama. I have no idea if this is normal for Korean tv shows. Ji-woon keeps shaking his head like a wet dog whenever he catches himself staring at his prince and not understanding his attraction to (what he assumes is) a man. He runs into trees a lot because he's enraptured... it's dumb. And it is never really addressed that Ji-woon is struggling with homosexual attraction, because he doesn't know Hwi is a woman or his childhood sweetheart. And everytime there's a "staring scene", the production inserts this heavy-handed half-Korean/half-English pop song about longing that really ruins everything. It's the same song every time. In one episode, they used it 3 times in 40 minutes. I almost gave up at that point. But what's interesting about the show is the character growth Hwi goes through and the way she wrestles with misogyny and her own limitations as a leader, and there's tons of political machinations to add spice everywhere. Park Eun-bin is great in her role of Hwi and I was rooting for her the whole way. There's also a super hot bodyguard who is basically silent and inscrutable... so, yeah, it wasn't all bad. I just think that I expected something else. Finally, the production value was really high (a bonus), and I've become fascinated by traditional Korean clothing and their color palette.
Dark Matter (Apple tv): 3 out of 5 stars
Ugh, I expected so much better from this one. With Jennifer Connelly and Joel Edgerton, this show is about a physics professor (Edgerton) who is abducted by his double from another universe so that the double can take over his life with wife, Connelly. It positions itself as a road-not-taken examination of flawed characters with interesting contrasts between different versions of the same character, but ultimately gives up on that to pursue a sci fic action and love-will-conquer-all resolution. The first few episodes are mysterious and dark with lots of interesting seconadry characters, but when the main conflict is revealed it all falls apart. And the science is laughable. I was way more interested in the process of jumping between realities and the toll it takes on the characters, but the writer didn't commit to that (and the series writer was also the writer of the novel on which it is based, so... maybe his narrative flaws came with him). Basically, it started well and then forgot what its purpose was. Disappointing. Also, I love Jennifer, but she's really skinny and I wanted to offer her a sandwich everytime I saw her onscreen. There is such a thing as too much yoga, girl.
Sugar (Apple tv): 4.5 out of 5 stars
Loved this one. I hope it gets a second season. It's about a private detective in L.A. who's hired to find a famous movie producer's lost granddaughter. The whole thing rides on the shoulders of Colin Farrell, who owns every scene he's in as a quiet, world-weary, gentle detective in a modern day noir Los Angeles. Oh, and he also has a huge secret. It's like they mixed all the best stuff from 40s-era noir films, but did it in 2024 L.A. and made it sun drenched and fashion forward. And every performance is good, if not amazing. I can't tell you more without spoilers, but I was in at the prospect of L.A. noir, and became ravenous after I found out the big surprise. This one lives rent-free in my head now and if it doesn't come back for another season, I'm gonna start writing my own version >;)
Presumed Innocent (Apple tv): 1 out of 5 stars
I might be biased about this one because I vividly remember the Harrison Ford film version from the 1990s, and I disliked that one too. But because Jake Gyllenhaal was in it, I gave it a go. Since this is a series and not a film, there is more character investigation (for example, what his wife and kids go through is a lot more front and center than in the film), but ultimately everyone comes off as varying stripes of asshole. Jake is a deputy district attorney who's co-worker/lover gets murdered and he is called in to head the investigation and prosecution (setting aside the fact that DAs do not direct police investigations and no matter his relationship to the victim, the first thing his boss would've done in real life would be assigning the case to someone with no connection to the victim *eyeroll*). In time, his affair is uncovered, he gets thrown off the case and charged with her murder. The series takes us through his trial and search for the real killer. Gyllenhaal goes to great pains to make his character unlikeable - I think this was a choice on his part, and I applaud him for it because his character really is an arrogant dick who seems bent on self-sabatoge at every turn. There are no attempts here to make him seem like a good guy who just made one bad choice (which is what the 90s film did). It's pretty hard to like him, which means it's pretty hard to root for him, and since he's the main character, well... I found it grating to keep watching, honestly. His wife is no better, seeming to be both a useless doormat as well as an angry, liberated woman - it just doesn't work. His friends are two-faced, his co-workers sorta think he's annoying, he doesn't respect anyone's boundaries, and even his dead lover comes off as a callous, psychopathic bitch. The whole thing is massive unsatisfying. Plus, they kept true to the ending, which ends up being so hypocritical that you feel like you were just force-fed a plate of pretty-looking shit. It's shit.
Those About To Die (Prime): 3.5 out of 5 stars
Okay, this one is tough to review because I watched the first episode and thought, "this is fucking trash", but by the end of the season I was really into it. It stars Anthony Hopkins (but only for a few scenes then he collects his paycheque and bails) and Iwan Rheon as Emperor Vespasian and commoner Tenax respectfully, in the decadent post-Nero Rome that is on the brink of collapsing under its own hubris. We get scenes from both the gutter and the imperial palace about how the Roman mob is kept in line and the jockeying for power in the senate and within the imperial family. Tenax is a self-made man who runs the low castes of the city from his betting house, but he has designs on becoming an owner of a racing faction that participate in public games and connote political power in the city. Meanwhile, the emperor is old and in ill-health and has to determine which of his (equally appalling) sons will succeed him while other patrician families eye the imperial chair for themselves. There are slaves, gladiators, severed body parts, full casual nudity, chariot races and brothels aplenty for spice (also terrible CGI and obvious greenscreens), but what really hooked me on this one was the uneasy relationship between Tenax (perpetual scheming sourpuss) and Cala (Numidian trader who followed her abducted and wrongfully-enslaved children to Rome so she could buy their freedom). Basically, Cala steps all over Tenax's dick and he grows to love it. She dominates him in every way - it's amazing. I couldn't get enough of that, honestly. This show probably won't get a follow-up season, so I'll only get this brief taste, but I enjoyed it in the end.
House of the Dragon, season 2 (HBO): 1 out of 5 stars:
I don't know why I keep watching anything to do with George R.R. Martin's terrible little world. And I fucking hate dragons. Never liked them. Everyone is wrong - they are not cool at all. But I was bored and I watched season 1, so... The latest season is more of the same we've come to expect from the Song of Ice and Fire series: plotting, betrayal, sudden deaths of the few characters you can stomach, gratuitous orgy scenes and lots of dirty poorly-lit castles. *sigh* Queen Rhaenyra is still in exile while her half-brother, Aegon, sits the Iron Throne and plans to wage war, apparently for the fun of it. Daemon, Rhaenyra's consort and uncle (that's still an eww for me), gets into a fight with her early on and then decamps with his dragon to Harrenhall for the length of the season for no other reason than he needs to pout and have hallucinations *throws hands in the air*. This leaves Rhaenyra down a dragon, without an army, or any kind of male backing as her counsel get increasingly condescending towards her. The misogyny peaks in mid-season (like, every man in this is a douche, I swear), and Queen R. decides (with the help of former madame/prisoner/lover Mysaria <- WHAT?!) she doesn't need an army, just more dragon riders because it doesn't matter if you deserve to lead or not, only that you can capably incinerate your enemies. I swear to god this is the last GoT thing that I watch - it's fucking ridiculous, insulting, and I feel much dumber for having sat through it. I hate everyone in this and there's no one to believe in or root for (not that you would because they'd just be killed off to break your heart) - it's the most pessimistic storytelling I've ever seen. I don't know why people love it. I will say one thing though - despite Queen R being just as awful as everyone else, I can't take my eyes off Emma D'Arcy whenever their in a scene. They have some sort of weird voodoo going on. It's the only saving grace for this slop.
Criminal Minds Evolution, season 17 (Paramount): 3.5 out of 5 stars
Yep, I watched it. Can't help it - the fan in me still has hope. I mean, there are things to love about it: everyone gets to swear now, the violence is unhinged, everything is darker, Emily rocks, Garcia slaps, there's more of the team's internal life included, and the cases are interesting (if not even remotely realistic). But there's also stuff to hate: making a whole season hinge on a single case based on a serial killer who is, at best, a mediocre re-rendering of George Foyet, the storywriting falls back on old tropes to ensure a cliffhanger-y feeling to each episode, hallucinations and dream sequences (I'm over it), and obvious attempts to develop new full-time cast additions just come off as lame. In s17 the team is still dealing with Elias Voit (the baddie from s16) and his online network for coaching serial killers. Because of some daft deal he struck with the director of the FBI, he is a thorn in the team's side for all 10 episodes, and it gets old really quick. The team has to deal with 5 young killers who were 'made' by a secret program based on a white paper Rossi and Gideon wrote back in the 90s but never published. It gets increasingly clusterfuck-y from there. Honestly, the story is bananapants, but I still watched it and mostly enjoyed it for what it was. Emily and Penelope are the main draws for me, still stealing every scene they're in, but Tara and Luke have grown on me as well. I also gave this season a whole star just for the scene where Emily gets J.J. accidently stoned off her nut because that shit was worth a 17-season wait in my books. What I don't love is that this show still relies on its own history way too much to try and rebrand itself as a 'next generation' version of a franchise. This means they are trying to keep old fans with enough of the 'old' series flavor, but also want new fans who are justifiably confused by all the back history they don't know. You can't do that - it's one or the other in my opinion. Frankly, they need some big names to sign on if they want to boost viewership, or bring back old cast members as guest stars or something. Please bring back Reid, for the love of god I'm begging you... The show is really trying, but it doesn't feel like it is enough to sustain it long-term. Side note: the Emily & J.J. get stoned scene has influenced the way my husband snacks now. No kidding - I saw him eating chips with chopsticks today and he declared it's a game-changer.
The King's Affection (Netflix): 3 out of 5 stars
So, there's a lot of foreign content on streaming services now, which is both great and terrible. Great because it exposes western audiences to different types of entertainment, genres and actors, but also terrible because bad tv knows no boundaries. I watched a lot of anime on Netflix I'd never heard of, and then became curious about filmed historical dramas. The King's Affection was recommended based on my viewing history, and the story sounded promising (female twin to a crown prince must assume his identity when he dies to protect the realm) so I tried it. Firstly, I watched the English-dubbed version (it's in Korean) because there are a fuckton of episodes and I didn't want to read the whole thing, but lawd, the dubbed voices are awful. I've come to realize the wrong voice actor for a character can color my opinion of someone that has nothing to do with the actions of that character. For example, the romantic lead, Ji-woon, is voiced by someone who has the emotional subtlety of a circus clown, while the person voicing his father, Inspector Jung (who is a nemesis), is sorta sexy. It messes with your mind a little. There are also some frustrating elements which I think reflect cultural differences. There is a ton of unresolved emotional tension between Prince Hwi (secretly a woman) and Ji-woon (Hwi's childhood friend and first love), which is right up my alley. However, these two spend almost 15 episodes not doing anything but stare at each other, and even for those who love slow burns, it's a bit much. I understand that intimacy is portrayed modestly in Korean culture, but that's a lot to invest in the faint hope that Hwi and Ji-woon might end up... I dunno, handholding? Kissing each other on the cheek? In other words, the anticipation doesn't pay off well. Also, there are unfortunate comedic breaks, mugging and slightly cringey physical comedy in it. But it's like this super serious drama. I have no idea if this is normal for Korean tv shows. Ji-woon keeps shaking his head like a wet dog whenever he catches himself staring at his prince and not understanding his attraction to (what he assumes is) a man. He runs into trees a lot because he's enraptured... it's dumb. And it is never really addressed that Ji-woon is struggling with homosexual attraction, because he doesn't know Hwi is a woman or his childhood sweetheart. And everytime there's a "staring scene", the production inserts this heavy-handed half-Korean/half-English pop song about longing that really ruins everything. It's the same song every time. In one episode, they used it 3 times in 40 minutes. I almost gave up at that point. But what's interesting about the show is the character growth Hwi goes through and the way she wrestles with misogyny and her own limitations as a leader, and there's tons of political machinations to add spice everywhere. Park Eun-bin is great in her role of Hwi and I was rooting for her the whole way. There's also a super hot bodyguard who is basically silent and inscrutable... so, yeah, it wasn't all bad. I just think that I expected something else. Finally, the production value was really high (a bonus), and I've become fascinated by traditional Korean clothing and their color palette.
Dark Matter (Apple tv): 3 out of 5 stars
Ugh, I expected so much better from this one. With Jennifer Connelly and Joel Edgerton, this show is about a physics professor (Edgerton) who is abducted by his double from another universe so that the double can take over his life with wife, Connelly. It positions itself as a road-not-taken examination of flawed characters with interesting contrasts between different versions of the same character, but ultimately gives up on that to pursue a sci fic action and love-will-conquer-all resolution. The first few episodes are mysterious and dark with lots of interesting seconadry characters, but when the main conflict is revealed it all falls apart. And the science is laughable. I was way more interested in the process of jumping between realities and the toll it takes on the characters, but the writer didn't commit to that (and the series writer was also the writer of the novel on which it is based, so... maybe his narrative flaws came with him). Basically, it started well and then forgot what its purpose was. Disappointing. Also, I love Jennifer, but she's really skinny and I wanted to offer her a sandwich everytime I saw her onscreen. There is such a thing as too much yoga, girl.
Sugar (Apple tv): 4.5 out of 5 stars
Loved this one. I hope it gets a second season. It's about a private detective in L.A. who's hired to find a famous movie producer's lost granddaughter. The whole thing rides on the shoulders of Colin Farrell, who owns every scene he's in as a quiet, world-weary, gentle detective in a modern day noir Los Angeles. Oh, and he also has a huge secret. It's like they mixed all the best stuff from 40s-era noir films, but did it in 2024 L.A. and made it sun drenched and fashion forward. And every performance is good, if not amazing. I can't tell you more without spoilers, but I was in at the prospect of L.A. noir, and became ravenous after I found out the big surprise. This one lives rent-free in my head now and if it doesn't come back for another season, I'm gonna start writing my own version >;)
Presumed Innocent (Apple tv): 1 out of 5 stars
I might be biased about this one because I vividly remember the Harrison Ford film version from the 1990s, and I disliked that one too. But because Jake Gyllenhaal was in it, I gave it a go. Since this is a series and not a film, there is more character investigation (for example, what his wife and kids go through is a lot more front and center than in the film), but ultimately everyone comes off as varying stripes of asshole. Jake is a deputy district attorney who's co-worker/lover gets murdered and he is called in to head the investigation and prosecution (setting aside the fact that DAs do not direct police investigations and no matter his relationship to the victim, the first thing his boss would've done in real life would be assigning the case to someone with no connection to the victim *eyeroll*). In time, his affair is uncovered, he gets thrown off the case and charged with her murder. The series takes us through his trial and search for the real killer. Gyllenhaal goes to great pains to make his character unlikeable - I think this was a choice on his part, and I applaud him for it because his character really is an arrogant dick who seems bent on self-sabatoge at every turn. There are no attempts here to make him seem like a good guy who just made one bad choice (which is what the 90s film did). It's pretty hard to like him, which means it's pretty hard to root for him, and since he's the main character, well... I found it grating to keep watching, honestly. His wife is no better, seeming to be both a useless doormat as well as an angry, liberated woman - it just doesn't work. His friends are two-faced, his co-workers sorta think he's annoying, he doesn't respect anyone's boundaries, and even his dead lover comes off as a callous, psychopathic bitch. The whole thing is massive unsatisfying. Plus, they kept true to the ending, which ends up being so hypocritical that you feel like you were just force-fed a plate of pretty-looking shit. It's shit.
Those About To Die (Prime): 3.5 out of 5 stars
Okay, this one is tough to review because I watched the first episode and thought, "this is fucking trash", but by the end of the season I was really into it. It stars Anthony Hopkins (but only for a few scenes then he collects his paycheque and bails) and Iwan Rheon as Emperor Vespasian and commoner Tenax respectfully, in the decadent post-Nero Rome that is on the brink of collapsing under its own hubris. We get scenes from both the gutter and the imperial palace about how the Roman mob is kept in line and the jockeying for power in the senate and within the imperial family. Tenax is a self-made man who runs the low castes of the city from his betting house, but he has designs on becoming an owner of a racing faction that participate in public games and connote political power in the city. Meanwhile, the emperor is old and in ill-health and has to determine which of his (equally appalling) sons will succeed him while other patrician families eye the imperial chair for themselves. There are slaves, gladiators, severed body parts, full casual nudity, chariot races and brothels aplenty for spice (also terrible CGI and obvious greenscreens), but what really hooked me on this one was the uneasy relationship between Tenax (perpetual scheming sourpuss) and Cala (Numidian trader who followed her abducted and wrongfully-enslaved children to Rome so she could buy their freedom). Basically, Cala steps all over Tenax's dick and he grows to love it. She dominates him in every way - it's amazing. I couldn't get enough of that, honestly. This show probably won't get a follow-up season, so I'll only get this brief taste, but I enjoyed it in the end.
House of the Dragon, season 2 (HBO): 1 out of 5 stars:
I don't know why I keep watching anything to do with George R.R. Martin's terrible little world. And I fucking hate dragons. Never liked them. Everyone is wrong - they are not cool at all. But I was bored and I watched season 1, so... The latest season is more of the same we've come to expect from the Song of Ice and Fire series: plotting, betrayal, sudden deaths of the few characters you can stomach, gratuitous orgy scenes and lots of dirty poorly-lit castles. *sigh* Queen Rhaenyra is still in exile while her half-brother, Aegon, sits the Iron Throne and plans to wage war, apparently for the fun of it. Daemon, Rhaenyra's consort and uncle (that's still an eww for me), gets into a fight with her early on and then decamps with his dragon to Harrenhall for the length of the season for no other reason than he needs to pout and have hallucinations *throws hands in the air*. This leaves Rhaenyra down a dragon, without an army, or any kind of male backing as her counsel get increasingly condescending towards her. The misogyny peaks in mid-season (like, every man in this is a douche, I swear), and Queen R. decides (with the help of former madame/prisoner/lover Mysaria <- WHAT?!) she doesn't need an army, just more dragon riders because it doesn't matter if you deserve to lead or not, only that you can capably incinerate your enemies. I swear to god this is the last GoT thing that I watch - it's fucking ridiculous, insulting, and I feel much dumber for having sat through it. I hate everyone in this and there's no one to believe in or root for (not that you would because they'd just be killed off to break your heart) - it's the most pessimistic storytelling I've ever seen. I don't know why people love it. I will say one thing though - despite Queen R being just as awful as everyone else, I can't take my eyes off Emma D'Arcy whenever their in a scene. They have some sort of weird voodoo going on. It's the only saving grace for this slop.
Criminal Minds Evolution, season 17 (Paramount): 3.5 out of 5 stars
Yep, I watched it. Can't help it - the fan in me still has hope. I mean, there are things to love about it: everyone gets to swear now, the violence is unhinged, everything is darker, Emily rocks, Garcia slaps, there's more of the team's internal life included, and the cases are interesting (if not even remotely realistic). But there's also stuff to hate: making a whole season hinge on a single case based on a serial killer who is, at best, a mediocre re-rendering of George Foyet, the storywriting falls back on old tropes to ensure a cliffhanger-y feeling to each episode, hallucinations and dream sequences (I'm over it), and obvious attempts to develop new full-time cast additions just come off as lame. In s17 the team is still dealing with Elias Voit (the baddie from s16) and his online network for coaching serial killers. Because of some daft deal he struck with the director of the FBI, he is a thorn in the team's side for all 10 episodes, and it gets old really quick. The team has to deal with 5 young killers who were 'made' by a secret program based on a white paper Rossi and Gideon wrote back in the 90s but never published. It gets increasingly clusterfuck-y from there. Honestly, the story is bananapants, but I still watched it and mostly enjoyed it for what it was. Emily and Penelope are the main draws for me, still stealing every scene they're in, but Tara and Luke have grown on me as well. I also gave this season a whole star just for the scene where Emily gets J.J. accidently stoned off her nut because that shit was worth a 17-season wait in my books. What I don't love is that this show still relies on its own history way too much to try and rebrand itself as a 'next generation' version of a franchise. This means they are trying to keep old fans with enough of the 'old' series flavor, but also want new fans who are justifiably confused by all the back history they don't know. You can't do that - it's one or the other in my opinion. Frankly, they need some big names to sign on if they want to boost viewership, or bring back old cast members as guest stars or something. Please bring back Reid, for the love of god I'm begging you... The show is really trying, but it doesn't feel like it is enough to sustain it long-term. Side note: the Emily & J.J. get stoned scene has influenced the way my husband snacks now. No kidding - I saw him eating chips with chopsticks today and he declared it's a game-changer.