(no subject)
umadoshi reminded me that September 5 - 10 is Suicide Prevention and Awareness week. She posted a link to a page that featured reasons why suicide attempt survivors decided to keep living. A lot of the comments said things about 'fighting', 'telling their story', and 'realizing life is more than pain' - all of which is great and more power to them - but none of that really spoke to me in a meaningful way. Then I ran across a quote where one woman decided to keep living because a man she loved decided he couldn't and now she had to live for both of them. And all I could think about was Jay because that's what I thought when he hung himself.
It might be synchronicity or it might just be how life works that I was thinking about Jay this past weekend. It doesn't happen so much anymore, but when he does pop up in my mind, he lingers for a while. I still miss him so much that it surprises me. It's been 8 years. This is what I said about him on the 5th anniversary of his death, and it still rings true:
"I'm still angry and I still think that he made the wrong choice - I don't think that I'll every feel differently about those things. But I'm also far enough from it now to realize that it was always going to end this way. He'd tried so many times before, and he would've tried again. He wasn't willing to face the fact that, even with a successful drug regimen and therapy (both of which he didn't have), he would never be 'normal'. I loved him with his flaws but he saw them as disfigurements that he desperately wanted to erase. He had a very fucked up view of himself and it was rooted deep into his childhood - I don't know if he would've ever been free of it. I told him once that if I could've given him anything it would've been hope, but he told me that that was a terrible thing to wish for.
He was a hard friend to have but I still wish that he was here. I want to tell him things. I want to share the excitement about the creative changes in my life. I want to be angry with him. I want to apologize for losing my patience with him the week before he died."
I loved him and, after 8 years, I can say that I still do though it is a difficult love to handle. I'd do almost anything to have a chance to tell him that back when it might have made a difference. Maybe I would fight harder if I had to do it over again - I don't know if it would've made a difference, but... If you know someone in crisis and you love their difficult asses, FIGHT FOR THEM. Get them the help they need. Do whatever you have to do. Exhaust yourself in the attempt because living without them is more exhausting than you can possibly imagine.
Here's Jay how I like to remember him: being a silly bugger ♥
It might be synchronicity or it might just be how life works that I was thinking about Jay this past weekend. It doesn't happen so much anymore, but when he does pop up in my mind, he lingers for a while. I still miss him so much that it surprises me. It's been 8 years. This is what I said about him on the 5th anniversary of his death, and it still rings true:
"I'm still angry and I still think that he made the wrong choice - I don't think that I'll every feel differently about those things. But I'm also far enough from it now to realize that it was always going to end this way. He'd tried so many times before, and he would've tried again. He wasn't willing to face the fact that, even with a successful drug regimen and therapy (both of which he didn't have), he would never be 'normal'. I loved him with his flaws but he saw them as disfigurements that he desperately wanted to erase. He had a very fucked up view of himself and it was rooted deep into his childhood - I don't know if he would've ever been free of it. I told him once that if I could've given him anything it would've been hope, but he told me that that was a terrible thing to wish for.
He was a hard friend to have but I still wish that he was here. I want to tell him things. I want to share the excitement about the creative changes in my life. I want to be angry with him. I want to apologize for losing my patience with him the week before he died."
I loved him and, after 8 years, I can say that I still do though it is a difficult love to handle. I'd do almost anything to have a chance to tell him that back when it might have made a difference. Maybe I would fight harder if I had to do it over again - I don't know if it would've made a difference, but... If you know someone in crisis and you love their difficult asses, FIGHT FOR THEM. Get them the help they need. Do whatever you have to do. Exhaust yourself in the attempt because living without them is more exhausting than you can possibly imagine.
Here's Jay how I like to remember him: being a silly bugger ♥