ah ha! that rumbly in my tumbly...
last night, and the past couple nights E and i have been talking of moving back to vancouver. this was a very positive thing. our friends are there, our freedom, and our music would flourish for example [if we happened to push it much more than we are now]. then as i got to sit and think about all the ins and outs [always most definitely the downfall for me] it started to move slightly over to the 'bad-scared' mood place that so many things get put for me. i figured i should verbalize the way i was feeling to E. i've learned that i can certainly tell when my mind is turning on me and to tell someone, E especially, as soon as possible, or as soon as i'm willing and able, the better.
¤ she said this kind of made sense to her. she said i have a huge tendency to get wigged out when change comes. i wish for it beyond all and then when it comes about i start to go the, lets call it the 'bad place'.
¤ she said something that made sense to me, that in all my life, change has never really been a good thing. change meant another move, another school, another step-father, etc. my mind, i think, is conditioned to be on the defensive in a massive way when change comes. and then it starts to turn on itself, i.e. me.
¤ these fears that i concoct have held me back for years. kept me submissive in so many ways. it's going to be a fight. it certainly is a fight everyday just to stay calm for school, work and tests. [which i have a lot of at the moment and i am sure said things are playing into my 'brain backlash'].
¤ i've got to get over 2 things: i) the importance of money, or that everyone at some point has much less than you'd think they'd need to live on their own and ii) what my father will think-slash-say.
¤ those two i've been harbouring for a while. i've never paid rent before. i've had car payments and phone bills...and that's about it. in all my fucked up past i've still been a bit pampered, as far as knowing how to survive on my own, and the fact that i don't. i'll have E, that's why we are thinking of this in the first place. it seems that the cost of living together in vancouver is much lower than here. and that's the point. living together and having it be a possibility without being broke from a community college in her case [because of international student fees for her]. i'd be able to live and work as a perm. res. in canada as her partner and not have to pay international school fees eventually. fuck the US for not having the same rights for same-sex couples. it's called humanitarian rights & laws, fuckheads!
¤ anywhoos...so that is that.
¤ .must.stay.positive.
p.s...i've never seen 'all over me'. is it any good?
¤ she said this kind of made sense to her. she said i have a huge tendency to get wigged out when change comes. i wish for it beyond all and then when it comes about i start to go the, lets call it the 'bad place'.
¤ she said something that made sense to me, that in all my life, change has never really been a good thing. change meant another move, another school, another step-father, etc. my mind, i think, is conditioned to be on the defensive in a massive way when change comes. and then it starts to turn on itself, i.e. me.
¤ these fears that i concoct have held me back for years. kept me submissive in so many ways. it's going to be a fight. it certainly is a fight everyday just to stay calm for school, work and tests. [which i have a lot of at the moment and i am sure said things are playing into my 'brain backlash'].
¤ i've got to get over 2 things: i) the importance of money, or that everyone at some point has much less than you'd think they'd need to live on their own and ii) what my father will think-slash-say.
¤ those two i've been harbouring for a while. i've never paid rent before. i've had car payments and phone bills...and that's about it. in all my fucked up past i've still been a bit pampered, as far as knowing how to survive on my own, and the fact that i don't. i'll have E, that's why we are thinking of this in the first place. it seems that the cost of living together in vancouver is much lower than here. and that's the point. living together and having it be a possibility without being broke from a community college in her case [because of international student fees for her]. i'd be able to live and work as a perm. res. in canada as her partner and not have to pay international school fees eventually. fuck the US for not having the same rights for same-sex couples. it's called humanitarian rights & laws, fuckheads!
¤ anywhoos...so that is that.
¤ .must.stay.positive.
p.s...i've never seen 'all over me'. is it any good?