(no subject)
It doesn't seem like life is going very well for me right now. I've got crushes on nine different girls, and am in love with two. Neither of the two will go anywhere, and only one of the others is a possobility. All I want is to be loved. I live on love. All I get is hate, and a "yeah you're here so I have to sort of pay attention to you". I dont exist to the people I know. Only two of my "friends" even give a fuck about me. A hug. All I want is a fucking hug from someone. But they have to give it to me or else it would be meaningless. If I hug it's like they dont want to, like they just have too so they wont be rude. I just want to know that I'm loved. By anyone. Just my father, brother, and sister. The only other people would be Matt, and Jonothan. No one else cares. I'm pretty much alone. If I killed myself, which I grow closer and closer to doing, only a few would notice and care. Yeah, people would be like, whoa! a kid killed himself, but they would only say that because they wanted to know how. not to know why. and my why is becuase of love. It fucks with your mind. It's not like I choose to fucking love you. But I cant help it, and I'll continue to fucking love you FOREVER!!!!!! God damn my brain. And if there is a god, dont let me wake up tomarrow, for it hurts to wake, and realize that you dont love me. Fuck... it hurts everyday at school, during lunch especialy, when we all sit together. and you sit there, eating my food, without so much as a thankyou. You do the same to my sole(if there is such a thing), and dont even know. You dont know how much I love you. And will always love you, for even when I "loved" another, I still loved you. I will never forget you, no matter that you've already forgotten me. Fuck me, and fuck you. But I hope you have a great time. for all I wish is that you live. No more chance of our lives to entertwine... you are seperate now... and me... all alone. I'll watch you from afar... for that's all I can do... and hope that someday you'll see the light, and realize that you've never been alone, through anything. I was always there, never in person, for you neglect to invite, but through my heart.... which was all yours. I envy he who lays with you... I wish I were him, I wish to be through... I want my world to end... but yours to go through, but I'm sitting right here, drunk and run threw. How am I going to fucking look at you on monday? Not bother to talk, for you wont speak back. Never do. I'm an idiot, without much for brains, I've wasted them trying to forget all my pain. Drugs are what keep me alive in this hour, of desire and hatered, and jealous I glower.Not much more left in my tank ot life, for I've spent it all giving to you, but in a way you cant see, for you're blind to me, you give me a shoulder that you didnt realize, but it hurt all the same, and it felt like ice. just one more second with you at my side, would last me a life time of pleasure of mine. Now I just wonder how to end it. Draino, some suggest, in a laughing matter... little do they realize it's for real. I prefure a knife... but fuck that hurts, tried to many times... over dose on what's at hand to me... fucking didint work, and left me with sheeeeeeeeet.I dont know how to, but find out I must, for I cant live with this and with this I must. If I dont lose all feeling in the next week... then I'll fucking kill myslef. Even when I'm not thinking, like at work, You're on my mind. FUCK YOU!!!!!! Fuck you're exsitance. And fuck my obsession with you and your essence. I wish we could have been together forever, but as you once said, it's my falut, I'm an idiot. Fuck your compliments, they're not real. I'll see your dead corpse, If I'm still here. Tribute. Fuck ya!