The right place and the right time
I got home after therapy on Wednesday and quickly changed into my comfy clothes and was ready to become a zombie for the rest of the night until I got an IM from Dan. It was just a regular "how was your day?" kind of IM but as things progressed; he sensed that I was sad about something in the conversation, at which point he invited me out for hot chocolate. He had just spent the previous 24 hours in NY with a friend seeing a play and staying in a room that was suppose to be for us. He said that seeing me would be a great way to end the day. We ended up going out for dinner at a cute little restaurant on South Street. I was nervous but accepted because I couldn’t ignore this pull that I was feeling. I met him there and I had that warm feeling fill up inside when I saw him sitting at the table. That feeling got stronger when he hugged me 'hello' and asked how I was doing. It was really nice to see him and it was really nice to be held. Comforting. We talked about this and that ... and the conversation was easy and smooth. I had noticed a few things about him: 1) he seemed so much more at ease, 2) appeared more self-confident, 3) was able to look me in the eyes, 4) was able to easily verbalize that he thinks about me and that he missed me, but most importantly 5) he invited me out because he didn't want me to feel sad. I was at a loss for words but I was so happy that I decided to go. It was very evident that he's been doing a lot of work on himself. It was at that time that I was grateful for the pain we have both been feeling because as long as we have been brought to this point to have that experience, it has all been worth it. That point where we're remembering/seeing all that we were attracted to when we first met. It validated were my heart is and where my heart wants to be.
When the time came to end the evening, I offered to drive him home. It was painfully cold outside and it was the least I could do seeing as how he walked there. We sat in my car for at least 20 minutes trying to figure out how to end the night. What’s an appropriate ‘goodnight’? We knew that we wanted to kiss but were both afraid to do so knowing that we would be opening that door for things to slip right back into what it use to be. That was hard. We could have acted on what our hearts wanted or we could have used logic and went with what our brains were telling us. At that point, I just decided to call Jessica for her input. She agreed with our decision, which was just a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Dan then said the sweetest thing, which was, “a kiss is a nice incentive to keep working on myself to become a better person.”
It’s all still a work in progress but at least it’s progress and not regression. I still have a lot of focus on my health and making sure that continues to be a priority. After all, how can I give to others unless I learn how to give to myself? I cannot allow myself to become so depleted again. It’s a horrible feeling to have when you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around yourself. I’m making changes and I’m learning a lot at the same time. I wish I could see how the future will unfold and when certain things will happen, but for now, I will hold onto that feeling that I had Wednesday night and hold onto the hope that the future will be as I see it. And that much I will keep to myself. =)
When the time came to end the evening, I offered to drive him home. It was painfully cold outside and it was the least I could do seeing as how he walked there. We sat in my car for at least 20 minutes trying to figure out how to end the night. What’s an appropriate ‘goodnight’? We knew that we wanted to kiss but were both afraid to do so knowing that we would be opening that door for things to slip right back into what it use to be. That was hard. We could have acted on what our hearts wanted or we could have used logic and went with what our brains were telling us. At that point, I just decided to call Jessica for her input. She agreed with our decision, which was just a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Dan then said the sweetest thing, which was, “a kiss is a nice incentive to keep working on myself to become a better person.”
It’s all still a work in progress but at least it’s progress and not regression. I still have a lot of focus on my health and making sure that continues to be a priority. After all, how can I give to others unless I learn how to give to myself? I cannot allow myself to become so depleted again. It’s a horrible feeling to have when you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around yourself. I’m making changes and I’m learning a lot at the same time. I wish I could see how the future will unfold and when certain things will happen, but for now, I will hold onto that feeling that I had Wednesday night and hold onto the hope that the future will be as I see it. And that much I will keep to myself. =)