(no subject)
Jesus, am I really doing this? Am I updating my livejournal? Its been over a year since I updated, but with reason - I mean really, its livejournal.
So what's changed? To be brief: everything. I really don't want to get into it, its too long and there are too many phases and events I'd rather just forget, so I guess I'll just dive into it, you can pick up what you can along the way.
Gazing back, reading old entries, shifting through memories, I've realize what I've come to forget. There are so many things I held close to me, so many ideas I cherished, so many people I loved - why did they fade away without a glance? They meant something to me, they meant the world to me - and now they're simply gone. I could probably retrace my memories to the point where each one vanished, see how relations destroyed others, and how new exciting ideas replaced old ones, but that'd take too much energy, its better to look back and not understand why - its hard enough to understand what and when. Today, I easily get caught up in my situation, get down, and drink my way out - I know I shouldn't, but at the time, its my only escape - it takes a look back, a little perspective to give me a better look at where I am now emotionally. I don't know what else to say about this. I'll leave it here.
Soo, I'm in a fraternity, TKE. Before you shove your stereotypes down my throat, I'm forced to admit it isn't like other fraternities; I know you've heard it before and you'll hear it again, but in ways I really can't explain - its different. There's nineteen guys in the fraternity, none fitting the "frat boy" image; they're the odds and ends that society forgot to generalize. Few interests (other than school and partying) pull us together - but there's this unspoken, understood bond that pulls us all together closer than friends (in a brotherly way [don't you dare take it sexual]). I don't know why I feel that way, and I certainly can't explain it, but its there - that I know. I know, I know, it all sounds like bullshit, but its not. I know I wouldn't believe myself before I joined, but it was something I had to experience myself to know and understand.
I'm a psycology and sociology major. Why? I dunno why, I just find the two interesting. I want to be a journalist, get my PhD in writing, and teach, and these majors are good leads into grad school - so it works out in the end.
I dropped the theatre shit. It was fake, superficial, and annoying. So fare thee well, theatre shit kids...
I've given up on girls for a few reasons. First, no matter how hard or little I try to make an impression on a girl I like, it never, NEVER goes anyway where. I mean there have been the obvious prospects, but no matter what I do, they always lose interest. And so I just don't try anymore. I mean, why? What's the difference if I ask a girl out or let it become a causal acquaintancething? Either way, it'll end up the same - in nothing. I mean I've had a couple of one night stands - but those are way too emotionally draining. I admit I want a relationship - but that doesn't change things. Whether or not I try, I'll fail. So I've been learning to just not care - learning to put energy some where else, some where where it'll matter.
But to tell the truth, after reading through past entries, talking to old friends, and just looking back, I've been given perspective. And although I don't why, I feel better, a little lighter. Perhaps not happier, but more optimistic - because all of the troubles I struggled with last year or the year before are gone without a trace. And here I am. Alive, ok, and content.
Everything's gonna be ok. Thankfully.
So what's changed? To be brief: everything. I really don't want to get into it, its too long and there are too many phases and events I'd rather just forget, so I guess I'll just dive into it, you can pick up what you can along the way.
Gazing back, reading old entries, shifting through memories, I've realize what I've come to forget. There are so many things I held close to me, so many ideas I cherished, so many people I loved - why did they fade away without a glance? They meant something to me, they meant the world to me - and now they're simply gone. I could probably retrace my memories to the point where each one vanished, see how relations destroyed others, and how new exciting ideas replaced old ones, but that'd take too much energy, its better to look back and not understand why - its hard enough to understand what and when. Today, I easily get caught up in my situation, get down, and drink my way out - I know I shouldn't, but at the time, its my only escape - it takes a look back, a little perspective to give me a better look at where I am now emotionally. I don't know what else to say about this. I'll leave it here.
Soo, I'm in a fraternity, TKE. Before you shove your stereotypes down my throat, I'm forced to admit it isn't like other fraternities; I know you've heard it before and you'll hear it again, but in ways I really can't explain - its different. There's nineteen guys in the fraternity, none fitting the "frat boy" image; they're the odds and ends that society forgot to generalize. Few interests (other than school and partying) pull us together - but there's this unspoken, understood bond that pulls us all together closer than friends (in a brotherly way [don't you dare take it sexual]). I don't know why I feel that way, and I certainly can't explain it, but its there - that I know. I know, I know, it all sounds like bullshit, but its not. I know I wouldn't believe myself before I joined, but it was something I had to experience myself to know and understand.
I'm a psycology and sociology major. Why? I dunno why, I just find the two interesting. I want to be a journalist, get my PhD in writing, and teach, and these majors are good leads into grad school - so it works out in the end.
I dropped the theatre shit. It was fake, superficial, and annoying. So fare thee well, theatre shit kids...
I've given up on girls for a few reasons. First, no matter how hard or little I try to make an impression on a girl I like, it never, NEVER goes anyway where. I mean there have been the obvious prospects, but no matter what I do, they always lose interest. And so I just don't try anymore. I mean, why? What's the difference if I ask a girl out or let it become a causal acquaintancething? Either way, it'll end up the same - in nothing. I mean I've had a couple of one night stands - but those are way too emotionally draining. I admit I want a relationship - but that doesn't change things. Whether or not I try, I'll fail. So I've been learning to just not care - learning to put energy some where else, some where where it'll matter.
But to tell the truth, after reading through past entries, talking to old friends, and just looking back, I've been given perspective. And although I don't why, I feel better, a little lighter. Perhaps not happier, but more optimistic - because all of the troubles I struggled with last year or the year before are gone without a trace. And here I am. Alive, ok, and content.
Everything's gonna be ok. Thankfully.