Fetlife love and street harrassment
I checked my Fetlife this morning and had 11+ "@"s, meaning notifications that people had commented on our loved a picture or a writing. They were all "love"s on photos of mine from strangers. One of them had a friend in common with me. The others, I could not figure out what path led them to me. One loved a bunch of pictures of one of my friends after me. The only logical path I could see was the possibility that they may be attending BR XXV and had read my profile after my recent update and followed it to Fet. But that doesn't seem likely.
And, as I said on Twitter, this always leaves me feeling mildly creeped out. A little flattered, yes, but also unsettled. I think this is partly because it is antithetical to how I use Fet. My primary use of Fetlife is as a kinky Facebook - I keep track of my friends, share photos and status updates and event information I can't share on FB. I don't use it to make new friends (though I do find it a useful way to strengthen casual acquaintances into friendships) or find new play partners (though again, it can be a way to turn friends into play partners). In short, I use it as a tool to communicate with people I know. Yes, I occasionally participate in group discussions, but I mostly end up there because someone I know commented first. And yes, sometimes I end up following a rabbit hole down to reading some group or looking at someone's pics, again usually because something showed up on my feed. But when I do end up looking at someone else's pictures, it's rarely sexual for me (I can't say it's not voyeuristic, but it's the kind of voyeurism that leads to reading gossip columns). For a number of reasons about how I'm wired and the kinds of porn I prefer. And I would feel really, really weird commenting on or "love" ing a stranger's picture. I have one picture that's in my "loves" because I wanted to bookmark a photo, but usually if I love a photo, there's someone I know in it. Even if I really enjoyed a photo, I would probably not click the little heart, just because it feels to much like leaving a visible trace of your presence where you have no business being. None of the above is intended to say that my way is the right way to use Fetlife, it's just how I use it.
Moving on - I was thinking about why I find it creepy, and why some of it depends on the picture. I like when people "love" pictures of my shoes. I know that some of them are foot fetishists, and that some of them are probably using those pictures as masturbation fodder, and I'm okay with that. Some of them are also just people who love the shoes, or the photography, or the story that goes with the photo. I'm okay with that too. It's like if someone came up to me in the Metro and said "I love your shoes." But I'm much more skeeved out by the strangers who love pictures with my face in them (particularly ones where nothing else is happening). It's much more akin to a stranger coming up to you and saying "you're really pretty". Which sounds fine on the surface, but is actually something that would make many of the women I know uncomfortable.
And thinking about this made me think about how so many men defend street harassment as being "flattering" and how women should just enjoy the attention. I've never been one to hide face photos on Fetlife, I've never been one to lock down the majority of my DW/LJ posts or lock my Twitter. I do like attention, and I like being part of a conversation, and I like being open. But I don't like feeling violated by what probably had innocent intentions. I don't know you, why are you bookmarking photos of my face? (one of the pictures really is just my shoulders and face, it's a picture from the MDRF years ago, I'm in garb, but that's not really the focus of the shot, and my hair's a frizzy summer mess, so that's not likely to be the reason either)
As always, your thoughts are welcome.
And, as I said on Twitter, this always leaves me feeling mildly creeped out. A little flattered, yes, but also unsettled. I think this is partly because it is antithetical to how I use Fet. My primary use of Fetlife is as a kinky Facebook - I keep track of my friends, share photos and status updates and event information I can't share on FB. I don't use it to make new friends (though I do find it a useful way to strengthen casual acquaintances into friendships) or find new play partners (though again, it can be a way to turn friends into play partners). In short, I use it as a tool to communicate with people I know. Yes, I occasionally participate in group discussions, but I mostly end up there because someone I know commented first. And yes, sometimes I end up following a rabbit hole down to reading some group or looking at someone's pics, again usually because something showed up on my feed. But when I do end up looking at someone else's pictures, it's rarely sexual for me (I can't say it's not voyeuristic, but it's the kind of voyeurism that leads to reading gossip columns). For a number of reasons about how I'm wired and the kinds of porn I prefer. And I would feel really, really weird commenting on or "love" ing a stranger's picture. I have one picture that's in my "loves" because I wanted to bookmark a photo, but usually if I love a photo, there's someone I know in it. Even if I really enjoyed a photo, I would probably not click the little heart, just because it feels to much like leaving a visible trace of your presence where you have no business being. None of the above is intended to say that my way is the right way to use Fetlife, it's just how I use it.
Moving on - I was thinking about why I find it creepy, and why some of it depends on the picture. I like when people "love" pictures of my shoes. I know that some of them are foot fetishists, and that some of them are probably using those pictures as masturbation fodder, and I'm okay with that. Some of them are also just people who love the shoes, or the photography, or the story that goes with the photo. I'm okay with that too. It's like if someone came up to me in the Metro and said "I love your shoes." But I'm much more skeeved out by the strangers who love pictures with my face in them (particularly ones where nothing else is happening). It's much more akin to a stranger coming up to you and saying "you're really pretty". Which sounds fine on the surface, but is actually something that would make many of the women I know uncomfortable.
And thinking about this made me think about how so many men defend street harassment as being "flattering" and how women should just enjoy the attention. I've never been one to hide face photos on Fetlife, I've never been one to lock down the majority of my DW/LJ posts or lock my Twitter. I do like attention, and I like being part of a conversation, and I like being open. But I don't like feeling violated by what probably had innocent intentions. I don't know you, why are you bookmarking photos of my face? (one of the pictures really is just my shoulders and face, it's a picture from the MDRF years ago, I'm in garb, but that's not really the focus of the shot, and my hair's a frizzy summer mess, so that's not likely to be the reason either)
As always, your thoughts are welcome.