(no subject)
You know, I never would have thought that being made to wear an orange prison jumpsuit would require this much processing.
Somehow (and I forget how, I'm sure there's a record of it in Minnow email), it came up that
kinksville wanted to put me in an orange prison jumpsuit at Camp. Other people jumped on board and soon we had a chain gang of three. Which was funny, but oh, god. Orange. Not my color. Prison. Not my kink. And I'm really not all that happy with myself for the way I reacted.
Due to timing, the only way it would work out was to have it occur on the same night as semi-formal dinner (the idea was that the chain gang would be taken to the dining hall).
I was not happy about this. Formal and semi-formal dinner are an opportunity to femme it up, to look cute, to wear entirely impractical shoes and your fetish-y best. And yeah, all of Camp is that, but it's usually too hot to be bothered with make-up that's going to run off your face in 5 minutes from sweat or jumping in the pool, and when you're staff you need practical footwear. Camp involves a lot of outfit changes and/or getting dressed/undressed/dressed again and therefore I don't generally bother with as many accessories as I might (also, I am lazy).
So, anyway. Here I was, being denied an opportunity to be girly and being made instead to wear something that was the exact opposite of sexy. So I was grumpy about that. And I was worried that other people would think it was inappropriate. (I don't know why, it's kinky sex camp, we've got grandpas running around in onesies and pony players who are never seen in anything but tack, but I think I thought that it would be like showing up in jeans to an evening wedding) In trying to analyze my feelings, I think I was also worried that people would assume I was being punished. That we all were. That this was a public shaming and that we had been bad and that's why we had to do this. And I have a lot invested in being a good girl. I think that's part of why I really wanted to wear cute shoes and pigtails and make-up. That made it more of a costume, more ridiculous, more of a silly spectacle. Also, those shoes helped me feel sexy.
The jumpsuit? Did not. I have gained a great deal of weight since Camp Crucible 2011, and I'm not happy with my body right now. And jumpsuits are not flattering. The fact that every time I bent over the snaps would pop open did not help. It was frustrating and made me feel decidedly unsexy. The chain around my waist didn't help, since that draws more visual attention to the area (the chain I wear normally made me feel very good, very owned and loved and protected, so it's a context thing). Also, super uncomfortable. Rough canvas, hot, hard to get out of (I needed help to get it off my shoulders, even though the legs were too long).
And then there's the fact that I'm not really a role-player. I'm not a LARPer. I can act, absolutely, and I've done improv training and all that. But it's not my go-to. It didn't occur to me until the Tuesday after Camp (so, a full week after the evening in question, and possibly a month after the initial idea was floated) that I could have made it a non-con situation (girl is set up to go to prison for the explicit purpose of being the sexual plaything of the guards) and that it could have been hot that way. Though I'm not really sure how I would have roleplayed that, it at least would have been a framing in my head. I mean, my "backstory" when people asked was that I was set up, but the second half of that wasn't there. The fact that we had to get ready quickly meant less time to get my head on straight, and less time for Sir to help me with that. I didn't fight him on it, it certainly wasn't worth a safeword or anything, but internally I was sulking a bit, I think. I didn't even have the presence of mind to be able to make the submission or the humiliation hot (which, you know, those are my kinks, but I was just too focused on being unhappy).
The fact that the other two were having way more fun with it than I was didn't help. When I have a dramatically different reaction to things than other people, it often intensifies it. I think sometimes it's that I feel left out (they're having fun. Why am I not having fun? Why aren't they commiserating with me about how awful this is?). And when they threatened to try to break out? Oh, I was REALLY unhappy about that. That is not good behavior. Also, I was still chained to them, which meant that I would have had to go with them, which I didn't want to do (especially not in those shoes!). I wanted to sit still and be good and keep my head down and get it over with ASAP.
And then there's the fact that I just don't find prison sexy. I don't really get why other people do, either (I understand it intellectually, so you don't need to explain, I just don't get it). I have a hard time even being attracted to villainous characters (except occasionally in a "tie me to the bed and do bad things to me until the hero rescues me" kind of way). I don't like bad guys. I'm not attracted to bad boys (rebels with a cause, sure. Misunderstood emo boys who just need someone to hold them? okay.) and I never have been. I don't like troublemakers or brats or any of that. I like order and obedience and Rules. Also (and I am not proud of this fact): prison just seems so blue collar. I know there are plenty of white collar criminals, but what orange jumpsuits put me in mind of are gang members or drug dealers or other street criminals. Even Neal Caffrey loses some of his appeal when you take him out of perfectly tailored suits and put him in lurid orange. And, politically speaking, I think we overcrowd our prisons and incarcerate people who shouldn't be and we don't ever give those people a chance to learn to be productive non-criminal members of society, but that doesn't change what I'm attracted to.
Somehow (and I forget how, I'm sure there's a record of it in Minnow email), it came up that
kinksville wanted to put me in an orange prison jumpsuit at Camp. Other people jumped on board and soon we had a chain gang of three. Which was funny, but oh, god. Orange. Not my color. Prison. Not my kink. And I'm really not all that happy with myself for the way I reacted.
Due to timing, the only way it would work out was to have it occur on the same night as semi-formal dinner (the idea was that the chain gang would be taken to the dining hall).
I was not happy about this. Formal and semi-formal dinner are an opportunity to femme it up, to look cute, to wear entirely impractical shoes and your fetish-y best. And yeah, all of Camp is that, but it's usually too hot to be bothered with make-up that's going to run off your face in 5 minutes from sweat or jumping in the pool, and when you're staff you need practical footwear. Camp involves a lot of outfit changes and/or getting dressed/undressed/dressed again and therefore I don't generally bother with as many accessories as I might (also, I am lazy).
So, anyway. Here I was, being denied an opportunity to be girly and being made instead to wear something that was the exact opposite of sexy. So I was grumpy about that. And I was worried that other people would think it was inappropriate. (I don't know why, it's kinky sex camp, we've got grandpas running around in onesies and pony players who are never seen in anything but tack, but I think I thought that it would be like showing up in jeans to an evening wedding) In trying to analyze my feelings, I think I was also worried that people would assume I was being punished. That we all were. That this was a public shaming and that we had been bad and that's why we had to do this. And I have a lot invested in being a good girl. I think that's part of why I really wanted to wear cute shoes and pigtails and make-up. That made it more of a costume, more ridiculous, more of a silly spectacle. Also, those shoes helped me feel sexy.
The jumpsuit? Did not. I have gained a great deal of weight since Camp Crucible 2011, and I'm not happy with my body right now. And jumpsuits are not flattering. The fact that every time I bent over the snaps would pop open did not help. It was frustrating and made me feel decidedly unsexy. The chain around my waist didn't help, since that draws more visual attention to the area (the chain I wear normally made me feel very good, very owned and loved and protected, so it's a context thing). Also, super uncomfortable. Rough canvas, hot, hard to get out of (I needed help to get it off my shoulders, even though the legs were too long).
And then there's the fact that I'm not really a role-player. I'm not a LARPer. I can act, absolutely, and I've done improv training and all that. But it's not my go-to. It didn't occur to me until the Tuesday after Camp (so, a full week after the evening in question, and possibly a month after the initial idea was floated) that I could have made it a non-con situation (girl is set up to go to prison for the explicit purpose of being the sexual plaything of the guards) and that it could have been hot that way. Though I'm not really sure how I would have roleplayed that, it at least would have been a framing in my head. I mean, my "backstory" when people asked was that I was set up, but the second half of that wasn't there. The fact that we had to get ready quickly meant less time to get my head on straight, and less time for Sir to help me with that. I didn't fight him on it, it certainly wasn't worth a safeword or anything, but internally I was sulking a bit, I think. I didn't even have the presence of mind to be able to make the submission or the humiliation hot (which, you know, those are my kinks, but I was just too focused on being unhappy).
The fact that the other two were having way more fun with it than I was didn't help. When I have a dramatically different reaction to things than other people, it often intensifies it. I think sometimes it's that I feel left out (they're having fun. Why am I not having fun? Why aren't they commiserating with me about how awful this is?). And when they threatened to try to break out? Oh, I was REALLY unhappy about that. That is not good behavior. Also, I was still chained to them, which meant that I would have had to go with them, which I didn't want to do (especially not in those shoes!). I wanted to sit still and be good and keep my head down and get it over with ASAP.
And then there's the fact that I just don't find prison sexy. I don't really get why other people do, either (I understand it intellectually, so you don't need to explain, I just don't get it). I have a hard time even being attracted to villainous characters (except occasionally in a "tie me to the bed and do bad things to me until the hero rescues me" kind of way). I don't like bad guys. I'm not attracted to bad boys (rebels with a cause, sure. Misunderstood emo boys who just need someone to hold them? okay.) and I never have been. I don't like troublemakers or brats or any of that. I like order and obedience and Rules. Also (and I am not proud of this fact): prison just seems so blue collar. I know there are plenty of white collar criminals, but what orange jumpsuits put me in mind of are gang members or drug dealers or other street criminals. Even Neal Caffrey loses some of his appeal when you take him out of perfectly tailored suits and put him in lurid orange. And, politically speaking, I think we overcrowd our prisons and incarcerate people who shouldn't be and we don't ever give those people a chance to learn to be productive non-criminal members of society, but that doesn't change what I'm attracted to.