(no subject)
WEll...
not the best of times here. jason has decided to 'definately postpone the wedding' which in girl language means, I'm not getting married. Normally this wouldn't be such a big thing, right? No big deal, postponing it...one problem
He's done this before
he promised me and my parents that the date we set would be the date
okay maybe more than one problem.
He has done this before. Now this time It's 8 months to the wedding, and many things have been purchased, and many deposits made. Tear.
He has been very distant towards me, not really wanting to spend anytime with me, and his reasoning is, he has more important things to think about (a car and work), he doesn't have the money he wants to get married (but he can buy a new car, go out to the bar every week, and purchase a $300 dollar costume), he doesn't want to get married in my hometown, but in his, bc he doesn't think his family should drive, oh yeah, and too many people are invited.
He's hurt me a lot by doing this, and it's probably best to just let him go. I love him and I want him to be happy, but I can't take being hurt again. This has crushed me.
he called today and acted like nothing was wrong, and when I asked if he wanted time he said, 'what, how long'. wrong answer, should have been A. No honey, I don't want to spend time apart. or B. Maybe a little time would be good, there are things I need to figure out, and I know I love you......
No sorries, no I love yous, nothing. I Just can't believe it, but thinking back on the past months, I can see where this was coming. He got mad whenever I talked about our wedding, never seemed to want my parents to meet his, I never met any of his friends, and never got invited to family things, etc,
i'm just crushed right now. it's hardest at night. I'm usually good until i get home from work, then I lose it.
Even if we did stay together, I don't know how easily I could trust him not to hurt me again.
Maybe my dreams were preminitions. I've been having dreams for like 4 months of Jason leaving me, and waking up heartbroken, because I never knew what happened, and about him leaving me at the altar. Maybe my subconcious was trying to tell me something.
well. that's the update for now. I am pretty sure he reads this, hopefully he realizes how much he hurt me....
I leave you with lyrics from a song i keep listening to... this one and Kelly Clarkson's 'behind these hazel eyes'
What makes you stay - Deana Carter
"Look at me, I'm in a place I never thought I'd be.
I don't have the strength to fight anymore, or a reason not to leave
So tell me why I keep holding on, to something I just cannot see
what makes you stay when your world falls apart
what makes you try one more time when it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope, when you can't find any hope,
still look at him and say, I just can't walk away,
Tell me what makes you stay?
I'm not afraid of living alone, was alone before he came.
I've been in love many times before, but this times not the same
I've always been the first to say goodbye, now it's the last thing I can do.
what makes you stay, when your world falls apart?
what makes you try one more time when it's not in your heart
at the end of your rope when you can't find any hope
to still look at him and say, I just cant walk away
Tell me what makes you stay?
when it goes this deep, feels this strong
I can't convince myself that this love is wrong
At the end of your rope, when you can't find any hope,
to still look at him and say, I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay?
-------------------------------------------------
Kelly Clarkson, Behind these Hazel eyes
"Seems just like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used be so strong
your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
unbreakable like could go wrong
now i can't breathe, I can't sleep,
I'm barely hanging on
here i am once again, i'm torn to pieces
can't deny it, can't pretend,
just thought you were the one
broken down, deep inside, but you won't
get to see the tears I cry, behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything, opened up and let you in
you made me feel alright, for once in my life
now all thats left of me is what I pretend to be
so together but so broken up inside
cuz I can't breathe, no i can't sleep
i'm barely hanging on
here i am once again, i'm torn to pieces
can't deny it, can't pretend,
just thought you were the one
broken down, deep inside, but you won't
get to see the tears I cry, behind these hazel eyes
swollow me then spit me out
for hating you i blame myself
see you it kills me know
no i don't cry on the outside
anymore
here i am once again, i'm torn to pieces
can't deny it can't pretend
just thought you were the one
broken down, deep inside, but you won't
get to see the tears I cry, behind these hazel eyes
-----------------------
not the best of times here. jason has decided to 'definately postpone the wedding' which in girl language means, I'm not getting married. Normally this wouldn't be such a big thing, right? No big deal, postponing it...one problem
He's done this before
he promised me and my parents that the date we set would be the date
okay maybe more than one problem.
He has done this before. Now this time It's 8 months to the wedding, and many things have been purchased, and many deposits made. Tear.
He has been very distant towards me, not really wanting to spend anytime with me, and his reasoning is, he has more important things to think about (a car and work), he doesn't have the money he wants to get married (but he can buy a new car, go out to the bar every week, and purchase a $300 dollar costume), he doesn't want to get married in my hometown, but in his, bc he doesn't think his family should drive, oh yeah, and too many people are invited.
He's hurt me a lot by doing this, and it's probably best to just let him go. I love him and I want him to be happy, but I can't take being hurt again. This has crushed me.
he called today and acted like nothing was wrong, and when I asked if he wanted time he said, 'what, how long'. wrong answer, should have been A. No honey, I don't want to spend time apart. or B. Maybe a little time would be good, there are things I need to figure out, and I know I love you......
No sorries, no I love yous, nothing. I Just can't believe it, but thinking back on the past months, I can see where this was coming. He got mad whenever I talked about our wedding, never seemed to want my parents to meet his, I never met any of his friends, and never got invited to family things, etc,
i'm just crushed right now. it's hardest at night. I'm usually good until i get home from work, then I lose it.
Even if we did stay together, I don't know how easily I could trust him not to hurt me again.
Maybe my dreams were preminitions. I've been having dreams for like 4 months of Jason leaving me, and waking up heartbroken, because I never knew what happened, and about him leaving me at the altar. Maybe my subconcious was trying to tell me something.
well. that's the update for now. I am pretty sure he reads this, hopefully he realizes how much he hurt me....
I leave you with lyrics from a song i keep listening to... this one and Kelly Clarkson's 'behind these hazel eyes'
What makes you stay - Deana Carter
"Look at me, I'm in a place I never thought I'd be.
I don't have the strength to fight anymore, or a reason not to leave
So tell me why I keep holding on, to something I just cannot see
what makes you stay when your world falls apart
what makes you try one more time when it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope, when you can't find any hope,
still look at him and say, I just can't walk away,
Tell me what makes you stay?
I'm not afraid of living alone, was alone before he came.
I've been in love many times before, but this times not the same
I've always been the first to say goodbye, now it's the last thing I can do.
what makes you stay, when your world falls apart?
what makes you try one more time when it's not in your heart
at the end of your rope when you can't find any hope
to still look at him and say, I just cant walk away
Tell me what makes you stay?
when it goes this deep, feels this strong
I can't convince myself that this love is wrong
At the end of your rope, when you can't find any hope,
to still look at him and say, I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay?
-------------------------------------------------
Kelly Clarkson, Behind these Hazel eyes
"Seems just like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used be so strong
your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
unbreakable like could go wrong
now i can't breathe, I can't sleep,
I'm barely hanging on
here i am once again, i'm torn to pieces
can't deny it, can't pretend,
just thought you were the one
broken down, deep inside, but you won't
get to see the tears I cry, behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything, opened up and let you in
you made me feel alright, for once in my life
now all thats left of me is what I pretend to be
so together but so broken up inside
cuz I can't breathe, no i can't sleep
i'm barely hanging on
here i am once again, i'm torn to pieces
can't deny it, can't pretend,
just thought you were the one
broken down, deep inside, but you won't
get to see the tears I cry, behind these hazel eyes
swollow me then spit me out
for hating you i blame myself
see you it kills me know
no i don't cry on the outside
anymore
here i am once again, i'm torn to pieces
can't deny it can't pretend
just thought you were the one
broken down, deep inside, but you won't
get to see the tears I cry, behind these hazel eyes
-----------------------