Summer Thoughts
Inspired by recent summer-related events, I have begun to feel compelled to address an issue that I feel has affected just about everyone in America at some time or another.
To Those In Charge of Such Things:
Stop filling up your fruit salads with Asshole Fruits.
You know the motherfuckers I'm talking about. Honeydew Melon and canteloupe. I'm not saying that I want all watermelon, strawberry, and blueberry all the time, but why in God's name would you fill half a fruit salad with two or three fruits that are obviously the least tasty?
I have taken the time to prepare some suggestions for you in the event you feel the need to subject us to another one of your bullshit salads.
Apples. Sorely underused in America's fruit salads, but often considered the quintessential fruit. In fact, I would posit that Granny Smith apples are possibly the most universally appreciated fruit there is. Use apples in your fruit salads, America.
Make your fruit salads smaller. If artificially inflating the size of your fruit salad with fruits that make me wish I'd never been born is your idea of "summertime fun," then go fuck yourself. Go easy on the size of your fruit salad. If you are worried about not nourishing enough barbecue guests/family members/angry internet users with your fruit salad, then serve it with whipped cream. You can thank me when people are hi-fiving each other because your fruit salad is so good.
If you are still worried about the size of your salad, you may want to take into account a quote from an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark where a crazy old man is teaching a kid how to do magic tricks. He, in his infinite wisdom, explains to the boy that the number one trick of showmanship is to "always leave them wanting more."
Lastly, consider alternative salads. I'm not even necessarily talking about traditional lettuce and tomato salads. Potato salad, while often considered a boring, Grandma-esque salad, has enough breathing room with regard to ingredients and preparation time that it can suit almost any occasion . Pasta salad is also delicious.
In conclusion, the era of second-rate-melon-dominated fruit salads must end. I would like this most genius of ideas to become effective immediately.
To Those In Charge of Such Things:
Stop filling up your fruit salads with Asshole Fruits.
You know the motherfuckers I'm talking about. Honeydew Melon and canteloupe. I'm not saying that I want all watermelon, strawberry, and blueberry all the time, but why in God's name would you fill half a fruit salad with two or three fruits that are obviously the least tasty?
I have taken the time to prepare some suggestions for you in the event you feel the need to subject us to another one of your bullshit salads.
Apples. Sorely underused in America's fruit salads, but often considered the quintessential fruit. In fact, I would posit that Granny Smith apples are possibly the most universally appreciated fruit there is. Use apples in your fruit salads, America.
Make your fruit salads smaller. If artificially inflating the size of your fruit salad with fruits that make me wish I'd never been born is your idea of "summertime fun," then go fuck yourself. Go easy on the size of your fruit salad. If you are worried about not nourishing enough barbecue guests/family members/angry internet users with your fruit salad, then serve it with whipped cream. You can thank me when people are hi-fiving each other because your fruit salad is so good.
If you are still worried about the size of your salad, you may want to take into account a quote from an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark where a crazy old man is teaching a kid how to do magic tricks. He, in his infinite wisdom, explains to the boy that the number one trick of showmanship is to "always leave them wanting more."
Lastly, consider alternative salads. I'm not even necessarily talking about traditional lettuce and tomato salads. Potato salad, while often considered a boring, Grandma-esque salad, has enough breathing room with regard to ingredients and preparation time that it can suit almost any occasion . Pasta salad is also delicious.
In conclusion, the era of second-rate-melon-dominated fruit salads must end. I would like this most genius of ideas to become effective immediately.