Character shhmaracter
At this point, I am beginning to think I am in an actual state of depression. And I don't like it. heh I still laugh and joke and have moments of feeling satisfaction. But, as I explained in a quick email to Amanda (to try to explain my lack of calling lately), inside me is this pent up ball of tension. I can feel it right now. Waiting to explode out. I am often close to tears, or suddenly taking offense to something I wouldn't have normally, to start an argument. I don't even feel my connection to Loren, which is usually there all the time. Yesterday was a bit better. We made love then took a nap and then went for a very long drive in the country. It all renewed me. I felt like my 'old self' again. And connected to him again.
... and now the lump is back again, festering inside me. I'm sure it's all the emotional stress lately. And I can tell myself all the things I know to do... 'fake it till you make it', focus on helping someone else so you're not so focused on your own self pity, stay active, sorrow is as valid and beautiful as joy, this too shall pass, go within, etc etc. And I know all that to be true through practice, not just armchair philosophy. But I still hurt so much. And will..... till I'm done hurting.
Character building is never easy.
(cries)
... and now the lump is back again, festering inside me. I'm sure it's all the emotional stress lately. And I can tell myself all the things I know to do... 'fake it till you make it', focus on helping someone else so you're not so focused on your own self pity, stay active, sorrow is as valid and beautiful as joy, this too shall pass, go within, etc etc. And I know all that to be true through practice, not just armchair philosophy. But I still hurt so much. And will..... till I'm done hurting.
Character building is never easy.
(cries)