Changes
Hey,
It's been like five bafillion years since i updated this I miss you guys so fucking much I love you all! Anywho life is going pretty good my mom is usually drunk and smoking or havin sex with her boyfriend so loud I can hear. College is so boirng, end of term so stuff is fading out. I rpeatedly fuck up my relationship with Abbie, like constantly, I have a huge fat problem with jealousy I like can;t stand her even talkin ot other people online of cours i try not to say anythin because that is ridiculouse but i sometimes I actually do I actually get like all wierd about her talkin to some1 on the interent! That is not me why am I beingl ike this I am trying to discover the reason here are some of my self righteous and self indulgent reasons;
1) My mom and plenty of other women around me (don;t wanna mention names) have had affairs because their partners are secure but too boring. So the guiys who are going out and working and bringin home money and not questioning thier female partners are gettin fucked over big time! So these women are just going out and fucking other guys and then coming home and acting like they are doing the right thing by keeping their boring but caring and secure partners in the dark! Is it me or is that the most fucked up thing ever. Me being the caring lovey dovey not very exciting type that I am have a HUGE fear (out of no fault of her own) that Abbie will do the same thing to me. Am i insane or slightly justified???
2)The fact that I am an only child and havent really ever recieved too much attention (positive) from either parents I think makes me worry that if even they can;t stand to be nice to me why would some hott girl who could get any guy she wanted give two shits about me?
3)Past experiences as you all know havent been the best I usually end up being "too nice" and "boring" which is exactly what I'm trying to avoid, I'm desperately tryin to not be the person that has been rejected so many times.
4)She is so amazing and literally all the guys in our grade want her, and she constantly gets messages (internet, texts, comments) about how gorjus she is and about how many guys would actually like to take her away. I'm afraid one of these days shes going to figure out how easily she could snap up any guy she wanted and go and get a sexier cooler more muscly version of myself.
5)Deep down inside I honestly think she deserves better than me. Not because I treat her badly not because I'm not giving it my all but just because I CAN'T give her good enough. I'm not good enough for her.
At the end of the day my insecurities and my jealousy are all parts of me am i ruining the personality that she was originaly attracted to by trying to hard to change the parts that I dont like. Am I being too seriouse. Should I just say fuck it I'm 17 if she fucks me over she does and thats that. Is it so bad that I care about her to much to do either of those...
Jealousy turning shapes into the sea,
Swimming brooding lullabye,
Choking on your allibye,
Love is just the price I pay,
Nothing else could punish me,
I just can;t look it's killing me.....
It's been like five bafillion years since i updated this I miss you guys so fucking much I love you all! Anywho life is going pretty good my mom is usually drunk and smoking or havin sex with her boyfriend so loud I can hear. College is so boirng, end of term so stuff is fading out. I rpeatedly fuck up my relationship with Abbie, like constantly, I have a huge fat problem with jealousy I like can;t stand her even talkin ot other people online of cours i try not to say anythin because that is ridiculouse but i sometimes I actually do I actually get like all wierd about her talkin to some1 on the interent! That is not me why am I beingl ike this I am trying to discover the reason here are some of my self righteous and self indulgent reasons;
1) My mom and plenty of other women around me (don;t wanna mention names) have had affairs because their partners are secure but too boring. So the guiys who are going out and working and bringin home money and not questioning thier female partners are gettin fucked over big time! So these women are just going out and fucking other guys and then coming home and acting like they are doing the right thing by keeping their boring but caring and secure partners in the dark! Is it me or is that the most fucked up thing ever. Me being the caring lovey dovey not very exciting type that I am have a HUGE fear (out of no fault of her own) that Abbie will do the same thing to me. Am i insane or slightly justified???
2)The fact that I am an only child and havent really ever recieved too much attention (positive) from either parents I think makes me worry that if even they can;t stand to be nice to me why would some hott girl who could get any guy she wanted give two shits about me?
3)Past experiences as you all know havent been the best I usually end up being "too nice" and "boring" which is exactly what I'm trying to avoid, I'm desperately tryin to not be the person that has been rejected so many times.
4)She is so amazing and literally all the guys in our grade want her, and she constantly gets messages (internet, texts, comments) about how gorjus she is and about how many guys would actually like to take her away. I'm afraid one of these days shes going to figure out how easily she could snap up any guy she wanted and go and get a sexier cooler more muscly version of myself.
5)Deep down inside I honestly think she deserves better than me. Not because I treat her badly not because I'm not giving it my all but just because I CAN'T give her good enough. I'm not good enough for her.
At the end of the day my insecurities and my jealousy are all parts of me am i ruining the personality that she was originaly attracted to by trying to hard to change the parts that I dont like. Am I being too seriouse. Should I just say fuck it I'm 17 if she fucks me over she does and thats that. Is it so bad that I care about her to much to do either of those...
Jealousy turning shapes into the sea,
Swimming brooding lullabye,
Choking on your allibye,
Love is just the price I pay,
Nothing else could punish me,
I just can;t look it's killing me.....