Waiting is the hardest part.
So I am waiting for something right now. While I wait I will pass the time with another LiveJournal post. I just read parts of Alex's Xanga. He had some insights into his own fear of commitment, and it got me thinking about my own fear of commitment. The only woman I have ever been able to commit to in a relationship is Lex. Now I have had numerous possiblities, but I always escaped them through one way or another. Lex is the only one that I liked and she liked me and I didn't blow her off because I didn't feel like getting into a relationship. I do not count anything first semester of Freshman year or before that. Anyways, I do not know whether that is just good timing, if Lex is somehow more special to me than the other girls, or if I felt like committing to her was not really a commitment. I feel like that last one could not possibly be the case, but who knows. Hell, who even know what that statement meant? Oh well, my point is that I do not know why I back away from possible relationships. Is it because they are doomed to fail and my foresight is telling me not to get involved so I don't hurt the girl and myself, or is it because my mind is afraid of taking risks and/or passing up on old, should-be-forgotten crushes from before. I do not know if I could persue Bryn because I tell myself that certain qualities of us would make for a short lived relationship. I am pretty sure that I am not worried about getting hurt. It is difficult to hurt me. Lex made a valiant effort, but I came back stronger than ever before. I am more afraid of hurting Bryn. It is not good grounds to bring a relationship on knowing that you have feelings for your partner's friend. That is just asking for trouble. I do not want to hurt Bryn by being the boyfriend with the crush on the bestfriend. I guess my fear of committment is a fear of hurting the girl rather than getting hurt. Although, I also suppose there is a fear of not being able to persue other girls. But I don't do that when I am single. Someone once told me that all of my flirting is okay, because it feels more like campaigning than flirting. I do not know if I like that, but whatever. So, I have rationalized to myself that I am a good guy and that I only care for the other people. Now what do I do? Commit? And risk hurting Bryn? Never. I used Bryn as an example which isn't fair because I have no idea how she feels about me, or how I feel about her for that matter. Oh well. I hope my whining wasn't as tiresome as I think it may be.