A personal essay.
This is an assignment for lavalier. It's technically supposed to be handed into her inbox, but yeahhh. I'm cool like this. Let's just say that I'm actually happy that she has made this assignment, because I hate English and formal writing in general so much, and I need some kind of relief from it. I still love writing, but it's just reminds me about how much stress I'm under and inspires terror in my heart mostly. And besides, you can't have witty banter in formal essays. XP
I think I'll actually try to loop this mini essay about myself around a central idea. Well, we're doing more filming for hitotsu's and babe3ducky's comm. tech. movie tomorrow, and really, being a part of their movie has been a great learning experience---and we've only filmed one day.
Acting. It's always been one of those interests that always made me perk up a little when thinking about it. Of course, most people have dreams of fame and making it big as a movie star. But you know, I've always been a self-conscious person to no end, and acting, being a performance art, just scared me when I tried to seriously imagine myself doing it. Being in music and band has actually helped my nerves a lot, I think. I mean, tests involved playing alone in front of the teacher and the class, but you'd always be sitting with all your fellow section members anyway, so that was a comfort. It wasn't like standing in front of a classroom to fend for yourself, really. Of course, I still have nervous breakdowns for music tests, and not for speeches, but um... not the point.
High school changed me in so many ways. I don't get nervous when I stand up to do a presentation anymore, most of the time anyway. Heck, at least I don't *always* have to worry about hyperventilation and possible death by lack of oxygen now. I guess I'm just much more self assured because of the friends I've made and the things I've forced myself to do. Of course, I'm never going to be a strong, confident public speaker, but I've come a long way (newspaper has helped too). I still blank out completely sometimes, but sometimes that sudden whitewash over my mind helps.
Now, that brings me back to acting again. Basically, last year in IB English, we had a final oral presentation sort of thing. I forget its formal name, or what it was really for, but it was big. It was important. And I drew my name from the hat to present second.
I chose to do an in-character narrative. It was supposed to be an exploration of the character of Isabelle-Marie from Mad Shadows, when she was just about to plunge Patrice's head into a pot of boiling water and ruin his face 8D
I recall that I left it to the last minute. I had a whole speech to memorize, and I had to be able to do it in-character. I had to be angry, scared, vindictive, all these negative things all at once. Mostly I was just scared shitless. I practised a lot the night before in front of my teddy bears. I thanked GOD that I could bring my sheet up with me, because I couldn't remember everything. Either way, I was hyperventilating when I got up there finally. I didn't hear Peter's speech at all, because I was too busy being terrified.
But really, when I finally started speaking, everything just came together. My mind was white. Nothing but fear, really. I was shaking, I couldn't breathe, I tripped on a few words, but it came together. Everyone told me I did amazingly well---I'll never know if that's true though, especially since I never DID find out what mark I got on it either. I just know it was a thrill to do it. I forgot everything else for those 3 minutes. Sure, I was shaking for the rest of the period, but it was still such... fun. In a sick, masochistic way.
I knew I was never meant to be a stage actor, and heck, I'm not a good actor at all. But goddammit, that presentation just confirmed for me how much I loved being somebody else. Maybe it all just goes back to how insecure I am. I don't like myself very much. High school was a chance to change. I did, and it's not bad, but I can never shake the feeling of being not-quite myself because I'm always too eager to please. Everyone has multiple dimensions to their personality---that's what makes us human, after all---but sometimes I feel like a caricature. I always seem to overplay my various dimensions, and I absorb people's characteristics and mannerisms like some fat personality eating slug, just so that I can conform and make myself likeable.
I think my fascination with acting is just another outlet for me to try to figure out who the hell I want to be in life.
Acting on camera for John and Daphne's movie is a lot easier than that oral presentation. Dialogue makes it easier to memorize lines because I have prompts, and we do things scene to scene anyway. And camera means small, close audience. Anyway, the movie they're making is a serious sort of drama. I'll admit that I don't like the story. But I wanted to be in that movie just so I could act. See, I like being funny. That much I know about myself. If anything, I play the dork so often, it's hard to be anything else. So it was sort of refreshing, trying to be serious on command. I still love that blank rush I get as soon as the camera starts rolling, so to speak. This movie thing has reaffirmed how much I like dramatizing. I still can't act, but that's okay. I try, and I like trying it.
In many ways, LJ is another kind of stage and another kind of camera. It's another way of acting and trying on new personas to an unbiased audience and figuring out what the hell I'm trying to be---hence the Shakespeare on my layout. Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage and is heard no more. Here I am strutting and fretting away.
Well, that was fun. And really, really long. I think everybody on my flist should write ME an essay too 8D Not necessarily something like this, but you know, just tell me about yourselves since I've recently met a lot of you through the w-inds. fandom, and that's essentially all I know about you. So, I've told you more about me, so come tell me more about yourselves =D Okay, actually this essay is vague and tells you nothing much about me, but shush.
I think I'll actually try to loop this mini essay about myself around a central idea. Well, we're doing more filming for hitotsu's and babe3ducky's comm. tech. movie tomorrow, and really, being a part of their movie has been a great learning experience---and we've only filmed one day.
Acting. It's always been one of those interests that always made me perk up a little when thinking about it. Of course, most people have dreams of fame and making it big as a movie star. But you know, I've always been a self-conscious person to no end, and acting, being a performance art, just scared me when I tried to seriously imagine myself doing it. Being in music and band has actually helped my nerves a lot, I think. I mean, tests involved playing alone in front of the teacher and the class, but you'd always be sitting with all your fellow section members anyway, so that was a comfort. It wasn't like standing in front of a classroom to fend for yourself, really. Of course, I still have nervous breakdowns for music tests, and not for speeches, but um... not the point.
High school changed me in so many ways. I don't get nervous when I stand up to do a presentation anymore, most of the time anyway. Heck, at least I don't *always* have to worry about hyperventilation and possible death by lack of oxygen now. I guess I'm just much more self assured because of the friends I've made and the things I've forced myself to do. Of course, I'm never going to be a strong, confident public speaker, but I've come a long way (newspaper has helped too). I still blank out completely sometimes, but sometimes that sudden whitewash over my mind helps.
Now, that brings me back to acting again. Basically, last year in IB English, we had a final oral presentation sort of thing. I forget its formal name, or what it was really for, but it was big. It was important. And I drew my name from the hat to present second.
I chose to do an in-character narrative. It was supposed to be an exploration of the character of Isabelle-Marie from Mad Shadows, when she was just about to plunge Patrice's head into a pot of boiling water and ruin his face 8D
I recall that I left it to the last minute. I had a whole speech to memorize, and I had to be able to do it in-character. I had to be angry, scared, vindictive, all these negative things all at once. Mostly I was just scared shitless. I practised a lot the night before in front of my teddy bears. I thanked GOD that I could bring my sheet up with me, because I couldn't remember everything. Either way, I was hyperventilating when I got up there finally. I didn't hear Peter's speech at all, because I was too busy being terrified.
But really, when I finally started speaking, everything just came together. My mind was white. Nothing but fear, really. I was shaking, I couldn't breathe, I tripped on a few words, but it came together. Everyone told me I did amazingly well---I'll never know if that's true though, especially since I never DID find out what mark I got on it either. I just know it was a thrill to do it. I forgot everything else for those 3 minutes. Sure, I was shaking for the rest of the period, but it was still such... fun. In a sick, masochistic way.
I knew I was never meant to be a stage actor, and heck, I'm not a good actor at all. But goddammit, that presentation just confirmed for me how much I loved being somebody else. Maybe it all just goes back to how insecure I am. I don't like myself very much. High school was a chance to change. I did, and it's not bad, but I can never shake the feeling of being not-quite myself because I'm always too eager to please. Everyone has multiple dimensions to their personality---that's what makes us human, after all---but sometimes I feel like a caricature. I always seem to overplay my various dimensions, and I absorb people's characteristics and mannerisms like some fat personality eating slug, just so that I can conform and make myself likeable.
I think my fascination with acting is just another outlet for me to try to figure out who the hell I want to be in life.
Acting on camera for John and Daphne's movie is a lot easier than that oral presentation. Dialogue makes it easier to memorize lines because I have prompts, and we do things scene to scene anyway. And camera means small, close audience. Anyway, the movie they're making is a serious sort of drama. I'll admit that I don't like the story. But I wanted to be in that movie just so I could act. See, I like being funny. That much I know about myself. If anything, I play the dork so often, it's hard to be anything else. So it was sort of refreshing, trying to be serious on command. I still love that blank rush I get as soon as the camera starts rolling, so to speak. This movie thing has reaffirmed how much I like dramatizing. I still can't act, but that's okay. I try, and I like trying it.
In many ways, LJ is another kind of stage and another kind of camera. It's another way of acting and trying on new personas to an unbiased audience and figuring out what the hell I'm trying to be---hence the Shakespeare on my layout. Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage and is heard no more. Here I am strutting and fretting away.
Well, that was fun. And really, really long. I think everybody on my flist should write ME an essay too 8D Not necessarily something like this, but you know, just tell me about yourselves since I've recently met a lot of you through the w-inds. fandom, and that's essentially all I know about you. So, I've told you more about me, so come tell me more about yourselves =D Okay, actually this essay is vague and tells you nothing much about me, but shush.