venting
I feel like such a fucking retard I lead myself on to belive that sarah accually wanted to be like my best friend and such, you know? heh boy was I wrong, I sit here and I'm here for her all the time, day and night, if she feels sick I'd go out of my way to bring her some medicine, but she can't even come over to my house cause her boyfriends not comfertable with it, and she has told me for the last like 4 days we would hang out and we have yet to be able to, either jaun, or today wasn't her fault so I understand but man, I mean how can you not want to have any friends, especially ones as good as me, I mean I'm not the best person in the world but I'm a great friend, but maybe I'm not, maybe I don't have any friends cause I'm not, maybe I'm just a shitty person all in all, maybe I'm just nothing to nobody, god I wanna be unborn sometimes, I wish I could just fade away to a happy place where no one is mean, and everyone loves you. I hate putting myself out there for people who don't even care about me enough to be there for me as much as I am for them, I mean I'm not trying to be mean to sarah, cause I don't care how mean a person is to me, I'm never, nor will I be mean enough to ever hurt someone on purpous, I mean I love Sarah, shes been there for me before, but now that shes with her man, they don't trust each other enought to even be out of each others site, you know, I mean I live with Tim, so we have to be together, but we don't keep each other from things, and I have no girls in my life, it makes me want to cry so bad I sit here and here and cry my eyes out, I hear tim and michael talking about stupid ass shit like cars, or shit who knows what but all I know is when I hear it, it makes me cry uncontrolably, which is another reason why I think I'm bi polar, for instance a second ago I started crying and tim and michael asked me whats wrong and I yelled at them, bad I said leave me alone, it doesn't matter, blah blah blah, I was being so rude michael left the room, but I don't wanna talk about it yanoo, and not even that, when I become all bitchy and shit, or emotional I can not control it, I just can't, if I could...I would, but it just happends.
all in all, why am I not good enough to have a real friend, someone who cares about me just as much as they would there bf, I mean some people think friends come first and foremost cause they'll always be there for you, and in some cases that's not true, like my previous friends , but I am a good friend, I would always be there for anyone I cared about, fuck I'd still be there for this little skank amanda, just cause I know that I've cared so much for her before in my life, I could honestly say I loved her. Not anymore, but I did, and I wouldn't change that for anything, but why can't I accually have a friend for once, someone who really cares about me? WHY? I just wanna cry myself to a deep sleep, I hate this, and I'm sorry but sarah lies to me, cause if she really cared about me, or my feelings then she wouldn't not hang out with me, but okay, whatever I'll be alone, no friends, no nothing, and she can have her man, and when hes not there some day she can see what it feels like to be truly alone, no offence, but I've tryed SO HARD to get this girl to understand how much I care for her, I tell her constantly how beautiful, sweet, loving and caring she is, and I always tell her I love her cause I do, shes wonderful, but not when someone else is controlling her, yanoo I just don't know what to think anymore, I mean I don't think less of her, but I am just not gonna put myself out there and expect someone to befriend me when it's never going to happen, I'll just never be good enough for someone to be my friend.
*sigh* life is nothing anymore, shit changes so fast, and people don't stop to think about what is really important in life, I know I didn't at one point, I hate myself, I really do, I can't belive I always try so fucking hard to be someones friend and I always always always get nothing in return, it's pointless, I sit there and cry over people who don't care about me, I sit and cry about people who don't even care that I'm crying....I mean wtf, fuck it, I'll just never try again, what's the point if everytime you've ever put yourself out there for someone, they just don't care. fuck it, I oviously will never be that important to anyone.
anyways fuck it, I'll end this here, I'm sure you're sick to death of my bitching anyways.
life is a joke