:(
I'm so upset right now, I can't even say why, cause I don't know completley why but I am, maybe it's cause I cry over everyone, just like I fell in love with Tim, and shit, when I have a best friend, it's like falling in love, I love sarah alot, not like that or anything, Just as the best friend that I can be, and it seems that she doesn't care to much about hurting, I understand when you're in love with someone you go through sacrifices to be happy sometimes but I mean if Tim ever litterally broke up with me, and told me he didn't wanna be with me, then the next second he says he does, I wouldn't take him back, I'm sorry not if that shit happend every fucking day, Tim has left me before I'll admit that, but only cause we live together and it's hectic sometimes, but hes NEVER told me he didn't wanna be with me, never, he was just smothered for a while, and he was never gone more than 2 days, he loves me, and he wouldn't hurt me purpously, you know, anyways I am not saying anything about sarahs relationship it's just that, I can feel it already, me loving sarah, wanting to be her best friend, and It's not gonna happy, I can already tell. She says she loves me, and shes there for me the way I am for her, but her internet friends get more love, you know? I dunno maybe I'm jealous? or maybe, just maybe I am speaking the truth, maybe she doesn't really wanna be my friend that close, well I have no fucking friends IRL, as pathetic as it is, I dropped out of school in 9th grade like an idiot, and lost all my friends, but if they were really my friends I wouldn't have lost them, don't ya think? I do, I mean I have Tim, and he's my everything, and I have michael and he is my cousin, best friend, and also everything to me, michaels ex girlfriend amanda was my best friend for 10 years, and in that 10 years compared to the 1 year i've known sarah, shes been there for me more than amanda, and thats what its all about right? but it hurts to know , and to see your best friend hurting and crying, and wanting to die cause of not being with someone, I mean yeah we all go through it, but she claims that she would rather waste another 2 years on her before ending it, and yeah shes right, if she loves him, be with him yanoo I just don't wanna loose another friend throughout it, her bf's too controling, and I'm only speaking my mind about the situation because she doesn't wanna talk about it anymore, and I respect that, but I have shit to say, so I might as well say it here, dude I cry for sarah, I cry so hard it hurts, cause I know, I just know that I'll always be here, and he won't, and I hope if she sees this she won't hate me, cause I love her very much, and I'm only saying this cause I know it's true, I mean okay if you feel differently then prove me wrong, but I know I'll always be here for her, even if she were to not want me there, I'd always be there for her, cause I care about her feelings, and I care about her heart hurting and I don't want her to be in pain anymore, GAHHHHH I'm just sad cause I've been wanting to see sarah for days and everyday it's something else, to do with jaun, first it's him not allowing her to come over here, then it's I don't even know what happend last night, and now she doesn't want company, but I mean shes been telling me for days, and whether she remembers or not, 2 days ago she said "If I don't see you tommorrow, I'll come to your house on friday, no matter what" and I take the "no matter what" as like a promise, shouldn't I? well now she doesn't want company, I mean wtf am I soppose to do begg on my hands and knees, NO, I shouldn't have to, I just want my sawie happy, and I don't want her to feel like if she doesn't have a man, or jaun in general that she is nothing, cause she is everything, she means so much to me whether that counts for anything, and I doubt it does, I mean shit I'm just her "friend" if I can even say that ;/ gah life is so fuckin hectic, the minute you think you may accually have a really good friend again, ...it goes down the toilet, and by that I mean that I really think I care to much about her, that she doesn't care as much about me, I dunno :( I just want my happy sawie back :(
*sigh*....I dunno ...I'm confused, I'm unhappy, I think I'm bi polar, I flipped out on tim last night for asking me a simple question, I'm sorry baby<3 I love you. Okay well I dunno what else to say, I just needed to vent a little, tim's been working on that song/poem hes writing for me and I'll post more of it over the weekend.