the monster's running wild inside of me
light 'em up/fading
yana, bonnie & ariana
an: okay, irgendwie ist aus dem hier ein komplett geplottetes au entstanden, das den titel fading trägt & genau hier beginnt. dieser teil spielt ein bisschen viel später in der geschichte, aber, hey, wer braucht schon eine vernünftige reihenfolge.
prompt von tears_into_wine
there's a side of you that
knows you're a failure
lives for the danger
feels like an enemy
but looks like a stranger
"i'm going to kill him," bonnie screamed, "i'm going to fucking murder him with my own two hands -"
"bonnie, calm down." ariana tried to talk her down, tried to hold her back, tried to be strong and composed and ariana, but she wasn't, she wasn't.
"i'm going to take what he loves most and let it die right before his eyes," bonnie raged on, fighting against ariana's tight grip, tears running down her cheeks by now, "i'm going to torture him until he fucking begs me to kill him -"
"bonnie," yana said, barely able to speak, voice quivering, reaching for bonnie's hand, make it stop make it stop make it stop, "bonnie, he's gone already, it's over."
"i want him to suffer," bonnie choked out between sobs, her trembling fingers curled into a fist in yana's hand, "i want him to ... to hurt ..."
suddenly, she let out a frustrated scream, making yana flinch and her heart hurt. bonnie slumped back against ariana, strength slipping from her body, no more fighting.
"i want him to hurt like we do," she sobbed against ariana's shoulder, "i want him to regret the day he was born. it's all his fault, it's his fault."
be quiet.
"he's gone," yana repeated blankly, swallowing.
at least she supposed - she didn't know whether he had made it out alive, but knowing ely, he probably had. there had been gunfires, but even if ely was hurt, that wouldn't stop him.
tears burned in her eyes, what did she care. he might be at the other end of the world by now.
"it's all his fault," bonnie whispered again, not looking up. every time she said it, it felt like a stab with a knife. be quiet.
yana's eyes met ariana's, a silent exchange, until ariana said: "it's enough. right now, we can't do anything anyway. like yana said, he's gone."
"i will find him." it was a promise, a threat, and bonnie meant it, yana could tell. "i will find him and i will make him pay. he can run all he wants, but not even he is that good."
"bonnie," yana started because she couldn't listen to it anymore, she just couldn't. ariana shot her a warning look, not angry, more pleading. yana ignored her. "stop it."
bonnie's eyes were cold. "why? he deserves it. he deserves the worst, this fucking -"
"stop it," yana repeated, more forceful this time.
"diego is gone," bonnie hissed, "because of him. it's all his fault, you know that."
bonnie really did believe that, and it made it even worse - seeing her like this, considering bonnie hardly ever cried, now with puffy red eyes and tear streaked cheeks, trembling lips, pure hatred in her eyes, this isn't you.
and yana tried, she really did; she wanted to believe her, wanted to be angry at ely like he probably deserved, but she couldn't.
"it isn't," yana replied quietly.
bonnie laughed, but there wasn't any humor in her voice. "oh please, you know as much as i what he's like."
yana wasn't sure whether bonnie didn't know the truth, or just chose to ignore it. either way, bonnie's arrogance made her chest tighten and her eyes burn, but not now, keep it together -
yana didn't know ely well, but well enough. she had him seen in the cell; she had him seen when they dragged diego out of that lake, she had seen the tears glistening in his eyes when he had held diego in his arms, whispering please be okay please be okay please be okay, but he wasn't - and then, standing by that hospital bed, face like a mask, cold as ice, not saying a single word for days, weeks, barely ever leaving his side.
she swallowed hard, dams about to break down, and yana resisted the urge to press her hands on her ears just to shut bonnie out, just to make it stop for once.
"stop saying it is!" yana shot back and she only realised she had shouted when she looked into ariana's surprised face and bonnie was actually quiet.
"diego died in that hospital bed, ely was with him, and i'm telling you, in no world he would have - he -" yana took a deep breath, it was impossible, everything was since diego was gone.
"we all know it isn't," yana continued, blinking away tears. the truth was there between them and she couldn't speak it, but it would have been worse not to.
"you know as much as i do that if it hadn't been for me - if i hadn't reacted to sanai's call -"
her words came out as a sob but she couldn't hold them back any longer, so she let them go, a whole flood.
"if i hadn't been sure it was okay we would never have gone there, we wouldn't have been captured - diego wouldn't have gotten - oh god, but you know that, don't you?" the words didn't come out bitter like yana had intended to, just very, very sad.
ariana started to say something, but yana wouldn't let her; she had waited long enough, and her heart was aching.
"you know it's my fault, it's my fault diego is dead, and that's a fact, because every day i wake up and every night i go to sleep and all those minutes in between that's the only thing i can think of - that he would still be here if it wasn't for me. and every time you blame it on ely - who is actually innocent in something for once - you're making it even worse, because, big surprise, he lost diego as well, and in contrast to us he doesn't have anyone to wail to," yana spat out, actually crying by now, "so, bonnie, just for once get out of this self-centred, self-absorbed little world inside your head and give a shit about the people around you, just for once."
both bonnie and ariana stared at her while yana cried her eyes out.
"you almost killed him today," yana reminded her, "or maybe you didn't. for all we know he could be dead, but probably not. did it occur to you that he might have people like us, people who feel like shit every single day he's gone?"
yana shook her head furiously. "but of course it didn't. but the only thing important to you is your revenge, isn't it? and because you can't take it out on me, you're making him responsible. you know what? take it out on me, for all i care. that would at least make it stop," she ended and now she was shouting again and it was the truth, yana realised in this moment, which made it even more ridiculous.
bonnie opened her mouth and yana kept waiting for her to say something, ready to fire back, but nothing came. ariana just kept looking at her, eyes hard and considering, both of them frozen because oh wow, who had expected tiny, patel pink yana to throw a tantrum?
"i'm so sick of this," she said, still the truth.
without another word she turned around, not looking back.
neither of them tried to stop her, but it wasn't a surprise. bonnie, too arrogant, and ariana still in believe that space was the thing yana needed to calm down right now.
she wanted to scream.
yana left the building behind, out into the night, all in a blur. it was cold but what did it matter; it was all at once, tears still streaming down, she was hugging herself.
diego wouldn't have let her go - diego would've held her back, taken her hand, given her a hug while yana would've cried against his shoulder, and when she would've been done he would've taken her face in his warm hands, placed a kiss on her hair and asked: pizza and the winter soldier?
she would never watch that damn movie again.
this time, she actually screamed.
the night didn't reply.
yana took a look around herself.
she was still in plowdiw's industrial park in the southern district. ariana and bonnie were nowhere to be seen; it was better this way, she couldn't stand them at the moment anyway.
in fact, she couldn't stand any of this. this city, this whole damn mission, coming here in the first place, knowing bonnie probably wouldn't let go anyway because if bonnie wanted something, she got it.
what did she care, yana thought. for once she actually didn't; she wouldn't go back, the two of them would be able to find her if they felt the desire too. if yana would let them.
the night was quiet and diego wasn't here anymore, so yana left, too.