its a kind of magic
on being home:
the paradox that is "home." When I'm away, I yearn for it. This oasis of free food, a car, no class, and nothing to surprise me. At home, its exactly what sent me to Louisiana. The confusion is overwhelming. And kind of difficult when I think about the future and the thought of home being this stale, used up place where its rare that I feel I have much to gain. there is no solution to this problem, its jsut frustrating because I come home and have some people I know that i can hang out with but i dont really make any new friends here, which is irritating and unfair. I'm insulated at home, so its easy to live day to day and not really feel that stepping out the door is the first part of a day long journey. Here I am reminded of class structure, the mundane feeling of life such that I see people working here, the same job, since I was a kid, and along the way I've been doing all this growing and learning, but these individuals, leaning on rusty countertops, slumped into fists at a work desk, have been doing the same corporate instructions of what their job entails since I was shopping in the husky section of JC Penny. My problem is not with them, but the possibility that myself and others I grew up with, will be some of these people. Clearly I have identified the problem and will find a solution. Nevertheless, some of those kids I knew, with passions and drive, the same ones who I expect to show up at reunions with $100 bills flowing like nectar from their pockets, will invitably show up to our reunion in a light blue sweater, 9 months after the trend ended, with a spouse of equal calibur and pizzaz, probably with a comb-over or gross overbite. There are always these people, not just the ones who might have already been like this in the past, but the ones who we expected things from. I have seperated me from them, distancing myself from the rottenous qualities that I would dread. I'm the only one thinking about this. My fears are mine and mine alone. I need to find comfort in them, in the dullness of northridge or the fear that i would be that guy everyone expected things from and brought a date with lipstick on her teeth.
RANT.
the paradox that is "home." When I'm away, I yearn for it. This oasis of free food, a car, no class, and nothing to surprise me. At home, its exactly what sent me to Louisiana. The confusion is overwhelming. And kind of difficult when I think about the future and the thought of home being this stale, used up place where its rare that I feel I have much to gain. there is no solution to this problem, its jsut frustrating because I come home and have some people I know that i can hang out with but i dont really make any new friends here, which is irritating and unfair. I'm insulated at home, so its easy to live day to day and not really feel that stepping out the door is the first part of a day long journey. Here I am reminded of class structure, the mundane feeling of life such that I see people working here, the same job, since I was a kid, and along the way I've been doing all this growing and learning, but these individuals, leaning on rusty countertops, slumped into fists at a work desk, have been doing the same corporate instructions of what their job entails since I was shopping in the husky section of JC Penny. My problem is not with them, but the possibility that myself and others I grew up with, will be some of these people. Clearly I have identified the problem and will find a solution. Nevertheless, some of those kids I knew, with passions and drive, the same ones who I expect to show up at reunions with $100 bills flowing like nectar from their pockets, will invitably show up to our reunion in a light blue sweater, 9 months after the trend ended, with a spouse of equal calibur and pizzaz, probably with a comb-over or gross overbite. There are always these people, not just the ones who might have already been like this in the past, but the ones who we expected things from. I have seperated me from them, distancing myself from the rottenous qualities that I would dread. I'm the only one thinking about this. My fears are mine and mine alone. I need to find comfort in them, in the dullness of northridge or the fear that i would be that guy everyone expected things from and brought a date with lipstick on her teeth.
RANT.