as good as things are going right now.
I don't know where to start.. I did a slip up today.I slipped up on a stupid stupid thing to do.. Things are going okay, I just had to make myself get over depression for a minute no big deal... I just let my self think right now things are going soo good a year and a half ago i never would have imagined and im in college, and i failed one class, soo what I fucked up.. I took three online classes,didn't have the books b/c we owe 500 dollars to the school and I pased them with b's and c's so I'm almost 21 now and my goals for being 21, 18 even JUST TO BE HAPPY MY MOM TO BE HAPPY..and although my moms dads death is alot on her my mom is getting 12,000 dollars..I love harry to death and I mean he was soo much of a father to me, and I wish he could be happy to, but living w/my mom and living artificial happiness and love that isn't real I know he doesn't need that and falling in love in Febuary and having that walk out of my life, I know it would be ten time worse for me if I lived with that person you gotta move on you gotta get over it, and although bearing the site of Mark issac condiff and meantioning that name brings tears to my eyes b/c I wished for love soo bad and got the hurt that I hurt on someone else ten fold . i know now what people have said before ,and i would say i should have listened,but no one ever does and my life is not the best and i don't have a fine car or I still never been in a long term relationship but its smaller things that i want for my self. I'm going to be a sophmore, and although I WISH I WOUld be where lacey is , with my degree already I don't wanna be lacey.. I wasn't ready back then, I had to fall down I had to realize that addiction is a family link, and I had to go down that path and get over it.. I had to slip up really bad last summer,and realizse that Paul is my friend, I had to slip up again this summer trying to find new friends when although the ones i have had for years may seem faulty and may lead their own life there good people.. I had to just realize stop trying to move on, although living in the past is not good, the people of your past may be whats beset for you.. They have taught me the most.. me matt n ashely whoa..we went through alot but if they wouldn't have done to me what they did , and i wouldn't have treated my body the way that i did, and i wouldn't have called paul and he wouldn't have answered i owe soo mcuh to paul, so much to matt n ashely soo much to my self...as I approach my 21st birthday in a month and a half I hope with this life for me and my mom we can finally tear through those ropes and find the happiness we truely deserve.thats all i wanted was to live w/my mom but she sent me here b/c my grandpaw had better funds to do that. and now right before my 21st birthday im getting the best thing in the world, my moms happiness and mine.
: now all that is left is falling in love
: guy i was seeing that was a real asshole for a bout a month and a half dumped me b/c of a lie he heard..and while im better without him most would say i just want someone there. before last year i hadn't ever had a b/f then someone fell in love w/me, i fell inlove with someone in the at short time i got hurt twice as bad as the person i hurt and hooked up with 3 or 4 prick ass guys.
PluRific Cuddles: i wanna find a good guy so much is happening a year ago i never thought i 'd be a sophmnore in college with a chance of being something i wanna life, i wanna guy i wanna baby ive always wanted one since i was 17 im not dumb but ya know i know im not ready and I'm not going to go get pregnant like girls do, but im starting to be ready and i wanna meeta guy that loves me back and in a couple years i wanna have that child...I want my mom to have a grandchild, and I want my parents to see me happy b/c I know they feel that they have messed up , especially my dad who believe you me, ahs messed up,messed up alot and forgive him for that I don't know if ill ever be able to do,but one day before he dies he will see me happy and I hope he knows that I did this on MY OWN....NOT TO BE SELFISH NOT FOR HIM , HE SHOULD BE PROUD BUT HE SHOULD ALSO KNOW THAT IM REALLY INDEPENDANT, FINANCIALLY NO,BUT EMOTIONALLY STAYING ALIVE FROM THE AGE OF 10 TO 20.. I DON'T KNOW HOW I MADE IT, and for a couple people in my life on a couple months out of my life, if they wouldn't have picked up that phone, and me the same for them i wouldn't live to see that birthday.I guess thats all i have to say i probably took up three pages.
i hadn't wrote my feelings down in a while though.I Think thats what i neeeded
: now all that is left is falling in love
: guy i was seeing that was a real asshole for a bout a month and a half dumped me b/c of a lie he heard..and while im better without him most would say i just want someone there. before last year i hadn't ever had a b/f then someone fell in love w/me, i fell inlove with someone in the at short time i got hurt twice as bad as the person i hurt and hooked up with 3 or 4 prick ass guys.
PluRific Cuddles: i wanna find a good guy so much is happening a year ago i never thought i 'd be a sophmnore in college with a chance of being something i wanna life, i wanna guy i wanna baby ive always wanted one since i was 17 im not dumb but ya know i know im not ready and I'm not going to go get pregnant like girls do, but im starting to be ready and i wanna meeta guy that loves me back and in a couple years i wanna have that child...I want my mom to have a grandchild, and I want my parents to see me happy b/c I know they feel that they have messed up , especially my dad who believe you me, ahs messed up,messed up alot and forgive him for that I don't know if ill ever be able to do,but one day before he dies he will see me happy and I hope he knows that I did this on MY OWN....NOT TO BE SELFISH NOT FOR HIM , HE SHOULD BE PROUD BUT HE SHOULD ALSO KNOW THAT IM REALLY INDEPENDANT, FINANCIALLY NO,BUT EMOTIONALLY STAYING ALIVE FROM THE AGE OF 10 TO 20.. I DON'T KNOW HOW I MADE IT, and for a couple people in my life on a couple months out of my life, if they wouldn't have picked up that phone, and me the same for them i wouldn't live to see that birthday.I guess thats all i have to say i probably took up three pages.
i hadn't wrote my feelings down in a while though.I Think thats what i neeeded