Sex Dream and Tearing at the Inseams
Last night I had a full blown sex dream amidst this weird nightmarish sleep. And it wasn't about Mark. It was Luke. I rarely ever have sex dreams, I think this might be my second and that's a stretch but this one included bodily reactions so it was complete. If only I could have those every night. But it was so odd. I haven't thought about Luke is ages and I am happy with Mark. I guess it's my subconscious telling me I would be better off lusting for someone from afar then have my heart invested in someone who more than likely never give me his. Yes he loves me and takes care of me but there is always this niggling fear in the back of my mind that he will just not be able to handle it and leave.
I hate not having friends and jumping at the chance the someone is actually speaking to me, but it never happens. I feel just as lonely and isolated as I did at St. Rose. And it started out so well, but second semester was completely down hill. The whole Geoff incident and realizing my "friends" sided with someone who was verbally assaulting me. And then Jackie taking over my group of friends, my guy friends especially Alex, who was crushin on so hard. But at least i had a semblance of friendship there with Val. And they were going to ask me to live with them. It makes me anxious when I think about how badly I want to rewind and change my decision. I know my mom would say i need medication, but it is normal to be anxious about something that is going to affect my life for years to come, this debt I have incurred and the bad grades. God, it makes me nervous, my heart starts to beat faster. I have been trying to make the best of it here. I am going to call Wendy Wheeler sometime next week and see if she knows if I could return there for my senior year with my old scholarship. I would love it if i could. I would be closer to Mark, I would know people there and have my family there. I think I am beginning to realize how much I miss my family.
I need help so much. I need friends and advisors. I need family. I never thought I would say this, but I need St. Rose. At least one good thing will come of this. I won't be as stubborn and close-minded as I was.
I hate not having friends and jumping at the chance the someone is actually speaking to me, but it never happens. I feel just as lonely and isolated as I did at St. Rose. And it started out so well, but second semester was completely down hill. The whole Geoff incident and realizing my "friends" sided with someone who was verbally assaulting me. And then Jackie taking over my group of friends, my guy friends especially Alex, who was crushin on so hard. But at least i had a semblance of friendship there with Val. And they were going to ask me to live with them. It makes me anxious when I think about how badly I want to rewind and change my decision. I know my mom would say i need medication, but it is normal to be anxious about something that is going to affect my life for years to come, this debt I have incurred and the bad grades. God, it makes me nervous, my heart starts to beat faster. I have been trying to make the best of it here. I am going to call Wendy Wheeler sometime next week and see if she knows if I could return there for my senior year with my old scholarship. I would love it if i could. I would be closer to Mark, I would know people there and have my family there. I think I am beginning to realize how much I miss my family.
I need help so much. I need friends and advisors. I need family. I never thought I would say this, but I need St. Rose. At least one good thing will come of this. I won't be as stubborn and close-minded as I was.