(no subject)
I hate this feeling, of awkward silence and aloneness. I'm real lonely and theres no other way to describe it. I just need to talk to someone, to get everything out, just feel better about things. That's always who I've been: I make decisions, I think them through, and then I need someone to assure me that the decisions I made were all right. Right now I don't even have my best friend for that. Don't get me wrong, she works and theres nothing wrong with that, and our schedules are so conflicting that it's just so hard to see her. And when/if I get a job too, it'll be just as hard. Maybe that's what senior years supposed to bring, the offspliting of friendships that will eventually end upon the depart towards adult life. No one stays friends forever, not unless you move to live next door and sit out on the porch every night to talk to each other. I just wish maintaining everything wouldnt have to be so physically draining.
It's a struggle for me to get up every morning and think about the next day. I don't know whats to come the next day, how I'll feel or anything and it bothers me. I used to be so self-assured in my life, and now it feels like I'm grasping for straws to find the easiest way through it.
I want to go to college. I want to go to the College of Charleston more then anything I have ever wanted in my entire life. But if I don't get in, I'm okay with going to Xavier. It's far away from home to the point of where I can be alone and I don't have my mom stopping by all the time, but close enough to where if I have a mental breakdown I can go home. I just know that if I go far away, I can reassess life and everything in general, like my morals, and maybe just take a little bit of time to remember who I am and decide what I want to be. And if my master plans don't work, I'm ok with going into the military. I don't really believe in the war, but I'm willing to fight for a good cause. And if all the other reasons why the war is going on aren't very good (which I dont believe it is) I want to help get it done with. I wouldn't mind waking up every morning for a year and running and doing things I never imagined possible. I could come home a hero, or possibly not ever come home at all. Life was meant to take chances and if you don't you'll never live life the way it was meant to be.
I'm not scared of dieing. I know everyone should be, but what if the after life is so much more wonderful then the first one? It can't be too bad when you end up with your loved ones in the end. I mean, I could die anytime anyway and just because I'd go to war, doesn't mean I could die. I could forget to look when I'm driving and get slammed into a tree. The possibilities of death is endless.
I'm not going to worry about being single. It's probably one of the least amusing things in life to be single, but if you don't keep your books open, who says there won't be someone else in line just waiting. I know how badly I wanted to be with Mick but it was all just a childhood lust over a boy who thinks hes too good for everyone and too bad for the others. I'm not gonna wait around for some guy to finally look at me and realize that hey, shes not so bad. Maybe I won't have a boyfriend this year, and maybe I won't have one until after I graduate college, who knows. Life's handed to you in that way for a reason. You can't have everything and you can't handle everything being perfect in life because without the thrills, what would keep us wanting to life for more? There's always going to be more out there, and something better to see, you just have to hold on.
So maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, and maybe after all this, I'm still going to sweat the little things. But I know that someday I will be pointed by God or whoever really does exist, in the right direction and I will take it and run like hell. So what, I don't know what's going to happen, but if I did, wouldn't I just want to change it and want something more anyway?
It's a struggle for me to get up every morning and think about the next day. I don't know whats to come the next day, how I'll feel or anything and it bothers me. I used to be so self-assured in my life, and now it feels like I'm grasping for straws to find the easiest way through it.
I want to go to college. I want to go to the College of Charleston more then anything I have ever wanted in my entire life. But if I don't get in, I'm okay with going to Xavier. It's far away from home to the point of where I can be alone and I don't have my mom stopping by all the time, but close enough to where if I have a mental breakdown I can go home. I just know that if I go far away, I can reassess life and everything in general, like my morals, and maybe just take a little bit of time to remember who I am and decide what I want to be. And if my master plans don't work, I'm ok with going into the military. I don't really believe in the war, but I'm willing to fight for a good cause. And if all the other reasons why the war is going on aren't very good (which I dont believe it is) I want to help get it done with. I wouldn't mind waking up every morning for a year and running and doing things I never imagined possible. I could come home a hero, or possibly not ever come home at all. Life was meant to take chances and if you don't you'll never live life the way it was meant to be.
I'm not scared of dieing. I know everyone should be, but what if the after life is so much more wonderful then the first one? It can't be too bad when you end up with your loved ones in the end. I mean, I could die anytime anyway and just because I'd go to war, doesn't mean I could die. I could forget to look when I'm driving and get slammed into a tree. The possibilities of death is endless.
I'm not going to worry about being single. It's probably one of the least amusing things in life to be single, but if you don't keep your books open, who says there won't be someone else in line just waiting. I know how badly I wanted to be with Mick but it was all just a childhood lust over a boy who thinks hes too good for everyone and too bad for the others. I'm not gonna wait around for some guy to finally look at me and realize that hey, shes not so bad. Maybe I won't have a boyfriend this year, and maybe I won't have one until after I graduate college, who knows. Life's handed to you in that way for a reason. You can't have everything and you can't handle everything being perfect in life because without the thrills, what would keep us wanting to life for more? There's always going to be more out there, and something better to see, you just have to hold on.
So maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, and maybe after all this, I'm still going to sweat the little things. But I know that someday I will be pointed by God or whoever really does exist, in the right direction and I will take it and run like hell. So what, I don't know what's going to happen, but if I did, wouldn't I just want to change it and want something more anyway?