A Birthday Weekend to Breathe
I've been so incredibly busy, and have encountered so much this past week it's hard to accept this three day weekend as a breather, or perhaps just a birthday gift.
My week started with an OB appointment on Tuesday. My doc found the heartbeat almost immediately after placing the doppler on my tummy. She said it was strong, and steady at 155bpm. The old wives tale about heartbeats is that girls are 150+, so I'm hoping they're right for this one, although I know I'll love a son just as much. I was at the appointment alone, and when I heard my baby's heart beating I just started crying. My doc just sat down beside me, left the doppler in place so I could still hear the heartbeat, and stroked my face for what seemed like forever. I can't even begin to describe how beautiful that sound was... I could have layed there and listened to it all day, every day. I wish I could hear it right now. :sighs: Anyway, I'll found out the sex of the baby on October 13th... I'm still thinking pink.
Started my new job on Wednesday at JP Morgan Chase Bank. It's an unbelievably strong, and awesome company to work for. I am thoroughly blessed to get the position I did, especially after finding out from our head trainer that over 800 people applied for the position that only 15 of us were selected for. I don't finish training until November 29th, so I decided I'd try and work my other job until training is over. So, 6 days out of the week, my days start at 7am, and I don't get home until 9:30pm. I know it sounds like a lot, and it really is, I come home completely exhausted, and within 20 minutes I'm asleep, but I figure I might as well work as much as I can to bring in plenty of money to get bills paid off and money into an emergancy savings. I just want to be as stable as possible when the baby comes, and I don't want to rely on the baby's daddy being here to help support us.
Speaking of baby's daddy, Niki, I spoke to him Thursday night. Well, I wouldn't really consider it speaking.. I basically just sobbed and yelled at him. It was just one of those nights the tears came, and didn't stop. I've never cried so much in my life as I have since being pregnant. It's exhausting. My eyes were so puffy and swollen when I went to work on Friday from crying all night and getting two hours of sleep that it looked like I was either a) a junkie or b) terribly abused.
So, there's a lot of internal dilemas going on right now, but I think the biggest one arose from Thursday night's temporary break down: I wanted to cut so extremely bad. I forced myself to just stay in my bed and not get my blades, but the urge was horendous. I kept thinking about my baby, and how I couldn't do that to him/her... but I could have. So, is having the urge just as bad as committing the act? I feel as if it is. Perhaps it's because I keep hearing the words of my nemesis "I wouldn't want you as a mother. You have scars all over your body, and can't even take care of yourself without the help of somebody else." God, I don't think I've ever hated anyone as much as I fucking hate her~!!! Wonderful what comes out of the mouth of you're supposed friends when the going gets tough. I love my life without her in it... I miss my three little godsisters to death though.
Other than that, I'm doing okay. A lot of crap is going down with a friend of almost three years. I had talked to her Thursday night for almost 2 hours and she invited me over to stay the night Friday. I took her up on it thinking it would be good to get out of the house for a night. I got there 7pm... she got home 10 minutes later, and the first thing out of her mouth is "What the fuck are you doing here?" I just looked at her confused, and beside myself. Her friend was there with her and she proceeded to just make me look like an idiot for being there. I asked her if she wanted me to just leave and she says "yeah, in a little bit." So, I just got my shit and left right then. She called a couple of hours later and begged her apology, but I just couldn't accept it. Turns out she had been completely high when we talked Thursday night. #1: All I've ever asked of her is to not be drunk or high when either around me or on the phone with me. #2: I had two hours of sleep the night before, had just worked a 9 hour shift, and drove an hour out to see her. #3 She knew all of this crap and still proceeded to act in the manner that she did. She sounds really sincere in her apologies, but I just don't know what to do. I feel like just cutting her out of my life completely. I'm doing good at cutting people out lately... most of which I'm not even trying to.
I'm done.
Sorry I haven't updated in so long... I just have a lot of steak on my plate to deal with.
Happy flippen Birthday to me tomorrow...
My week started with an OB appointment on Tuesday. My doc found the heartbeat almost immediately after placing the doppler on my tummy. She said it was strong, and steady at 155bpm. The old wives tale about heartbeats is that girls are 150+, so I'm hoping they're right for this one, although I know I'll love a son just as much. I was at the appointment alone, and when I heard my baby's heart beating I just started crying. My doc just sat down beside me, left the doppler in place so I could still hear the heartbeat, and stroked my face for what seemed like forever. I can't even begin to describe how beautiful that sound was... I could have layed there and listened to it all day, every day. I wish I could hear it right now. :sighs: Anyway, I'll found out the sex of the baby on October 13th... I'm still thinking pink.
Started my new job on Wednesday at JP Morgan Chase Bank. It's an unbelievably strong, and awesome company to work for. I am thoroughly blessed to get the position I did, especially after finding out from our head trainer that over 800 people applied for the position that only 15 of us were selected for. I don't finish training until November 29th, so I decided I'd try and work my other job until training is over. So, 6 days out of the week, my days start at 7am, and I don't get home until 9:30pm. I know it sounds like a lot, and it really is, I come home completely exhausted, and within 20 minutes I'm asleep, but I figure I might as well work as much as I can to bring in plenty of money to get bills paid off and money into an emergancy savings. I just want to be as stable as possible when the baby comes, and I don't want to rely on the baby's daddy being here to help support us.
Speaking of baby's daddy, Niki, I spoke to him Thursday night. Well, I wouldn't really consider it speaking.. I basically just sobbed and yelled at him. It was just one of those nights the tears came, and didn't stop. I've never cried so much in my life as I have since being pregnant. It's exhausting. My eyes were so puffy and swollen when I went to work on Friday from crying all night and getting two hours of sleep that it looked like I was either a) a junkie or b) terribly abused.
So, there's a lot of internal dilemas going on right now, but I think the biggest one arose from Thursday night's temporary break down: I wanted to cut so extremely bad. I forced myself to just stay in my bed and not get my blades, but the urge was horendous. I kept thinking about my baby, and how I couldn't do that to him/her... but I could have. So, is having the urge just as bad as committing the act? I feel as if it is. Perhaps it's because I keep hearing the words of my nemesis "I wouldn't want you as a mother. You have scars all over your body, and can't even take care of yourself without the help of somebody else." God, I don't think I've ever hated anyone as much as I fucking hate her~!!! Wonderful what comes out of the mouth of you're supposed friends when the going gets tough. I love my life without her in it... I miss my three little godsisters to death though.
Other than that, I'm doing okay. A lot of crap is going down with a friend of almost three years. I had talked to her Thursday night for almost 2 hours and she invited me over to stay the night Friday. I took her up on it thinking it would be good to get out of the house for a night. I got there 7pm... she got home 10 minutes later, and the first thing out of her mouth is "What the fuck are you doing here?" I just looked at her confused, and beside myself. Her friend was there with her and she proceeded to just make me look like an idiot for being there. I asked her if she wanted me to just leave and she says "yeah, in a little bit." So, I just got my shit and left right then. She called a couple of hours later and begged her apology, but I just couldn't accept it. Turns out she had been completely high when we talked Thursday night. #1: All I've ever asked of her is to not be drunk or high when either around me or on the phone with me. #2: I had two hours of sleep the night before, had just worked a 9 hour shift, and drove an hour out to see her. #3 She knew all of this crap and still proceeded to act in the manner that she did. She sounds really sincere in her apologies, but I just don't know what to do. I feel like just cutting her out of my life completely. I'm doing good at cutting people out lately... most of which I'm not even trying to.
I'm done.
Sorry I haven't updated in so long... I just have a lot of steak on my plate to deal with.
Happy flippen Birthday to me tomorrow...