I think its time for closer
Ive kinda been fighting the fact that months have gone by since my Grandmothers death and I still seem to not want to deal with it. Things like that hit me at the strangest times. Example, I was at the fabric store today getting the pattern to make my wedding veil and realized that if I needed help I didnt have anyone to ask now. After got home I kinda just sat and cried. I guess I didnt realize how much my family was ingrained on me. I mean, you just kinda go about your day and not realize how much certain things affect us. I think that I need to start dealing with my demons. Not just the pain from the loss of both my maternal grandparents who praticly raised me, but the ones that Ive had for years, like my self esteem issues, the nagging feeling something is wrong with me not physicaly but mentaly, and the issues I from when i was a kid. I know that I need to let go of these things, I just cant. They make up the parts of me. Most people wouldnt know it to look at me but I actually hate myself most days. I cant stand to see myself in the mirror sometimes. Often times Id rather call in sick and lay in bed and cry then go to work. I know that my husband and my family love me but I cant help but feel like its all balanced on a razor edge and is just waiting for one blow to make it all fall down. Maybe writing will bring me closer that I seek, maybe it wont but I just have to get these things out sometimes or I feel like my head my explode. I have decided that Im going to get a tattoo on my right shoulder. Its going to be to swallows flying up towards the top of my shoulder, one blue for my grandpa and one purple for my grandma.