(no subject)

Jul 16, 2006 21:01

i need to vent. half this shit is most likely not going to make sense but my emotions are tied up in a ball and are about to choke me. im upset, im hurt, im falling apart, and my fucking boyfriend who is SUPPOSED to be there for you in time of need, is failing.

let me start by saying that my grandpa; my ONLY grandpa passed away last night. he suffered chemo for about a year. on and off therapy. he also suffered prostate cancer, lung cancer, and pnemonia. im dying. idk what to do, honestly. he was seriously one of my role models. i loved him to pieces && i alawys will. im proud to tell people that this man has not only once but TWICE served & fought for our country. i only hope that one day i could be as important as he was && still is.

but besides that; im so shook up about this. i went into work today bawling & they just told me to take the day off and rest. i couldn't even drive home. i sat in my car bawling my eyes out smoking cigarette after cigarette. my eyes were red & puffy. my face felt like it was going to peel off. i couldn't even breathe. i started up my car & put it in drive. i attempted to drive home but couldnt. i knew i was gonna hit something. i sat in my work parking lot for a fucking hour and a half bawling my eyes out. crying to myself. talking to myself. yelling at myself. all while lighting up cigarette after cigarette.

i finally drove home & ran to my bed. i tried to just fall asleep & hopefully wake up more comforted but i couldn't. i ran to my meds. for my teeth. it was the only thing i had. i took about 4 [i think] pills of 900mg of ibuprofen & vicodin & penecilin. i resumed to trying to fall asleep.

i soon call taylor & vent my problems out. he doesn't seem to care; and i mean that EXACTLY. in his words; "it'll be okay. everyone has to die sooner or later".. WTF??! who the fuck says that shit after losing a loved one. what a fucking PRICK. i was raged with anger and THEN the fucker shows up at my house to pick me up. NO. i told him in my driveway that he better get the fuck out of here before i start screaming. he talked me into getting in.. BIG mistake. he fucking LECTURES me the whole way to his house about how I'M a bitch?!! again, WTF!?! i was just so pissed off.. i couldn't take it anymore. i opened the door and jumped out. i know, i'm fucking nuts.

i fucking jump out of his car and WALK to my house and he follows me and fucking bitches at me some more. i finally told him "you know what? its fucking OVER. i'm going out tonight i'll fucking see you in hell" and i slammed my car door on him. he tried to follow me but i got onto the freeway and got off and he missed the exit. he called me about 20x and left me 358398 voice mails apologizing.

is it wrong for me to not give a shit if the boy apologizes or not? does he know that my emotions are getting the best of me && that i'm fucking not capable of bouncing back to NORMAL after my fucking grandpa dies? does ANYONE BESIDES ME SEE SOMETHIGN WRONG WITH THAT/!?! I'M FUCKING GOING INSANE. I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I'M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND.

anyway. his funeral is wed. & thurs. its going to be nice. its all going to be 'militarial' if thats a word. they're going to do the spinning of the riffles, and fold a flag and burry it with him. it'll be nice, but it'll also destroy me. all over agian.
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