A Very Larry Thanksgiving--Part Three
Title: A Very Larry Thanksgiving
Status: Complete
Chapters: 3
Word Count: 6, 098
Author: BlueWhitney
Rating: R for language and general weirdness. And Muggles.
Genre: Humor
Characters: Lyle, Sylar
Summary: Honestly now, who has school on Thanksgiving?
Thanksgiving:
It was sweet, man, I'm telling you. Just me and Eyebrows, hanging in the living room. Best Thanksgiving I ever had.
At one point Eyebrows started up, "You know, Larry, sometimes . . ." And then he just sort of zoned out for about five minutes, staring over my head at the clock on the wall. I was kinda worried for a second there, thinking maybe I should poke him with my spoon to make sure he's okay, but he was still breathing. Finally I try to jump start him by saying, "Sometimes . . ?" And he just looks over at me, mouth open, and says, "What?" And I'm like, "You were saying, sometimes . . ." And at first he looked real blank, like what the fuck is this guy talking about, and then he shakes his head and goes, "Oh, right, right. No . . . I was saying sometimes, I feel like I ought to be doing more with my life. You know, like . . . Or maybe less." Then he looked kinda confused and finally winded down with, "Or maybe the same amount, you know. Just in a different field."
And I go, "Yeah, I know what you mean, man. I used to wanna be a vet, till I met Muggles."
So we sit there staring at each other, and I feel like we're totally connected, right, like we're on the same level. And I'm thinking I should say something, you know, like about how he's special and all that junk, and how I'm special, too, but I never realized it till I met him. And how maybe it doesn't matter so much if our parents don't give a shit, like fuck 'em man, we fucking matter!
So I open my mouth and I'm like, "Sylar, buddy . . . the fuck is going on with your hair?"
Then all of a sudden the phone starts ringing, and Eyebrows jerks his arm up and it goes flying off into the wall. The phone I mean. Not his arm, that would just be weird. Guy's got some killer reflexes, though. I bet he kicks major ass at foosball. We should get a table. I mean, every lair should have a ping pong table or a basket ball hoop or something, am I right? Can't just sit around being evil ALL the time. Gotta wind down every now and then. Have a beer, play some cards, then get back to the world domination. Sometimes I think Eyebrows doesn't get that. He's always on edge, plotting or pissed off or working on his hobby, you know.
So anyhow, I picked up the phone without thinking. Shoulda just ignored it. Can't answer the phone when you're in school! Dumbasses.
So I go, "Larry and Eyebrows, Evil As Shit Incorporated." But I could hear Mom talking to someone else while she's holding the phone, so I don't think she heard me. Something about elevating Doug's legs or some shit. Yeah, real sorry I didn't go to Virginia.
After she finishes talking to the important people, she says, "Lyle, honey! How was school?"
Son of a bitch! Yeah, school was fucking awesome, Mom! I walked around wondering where everyone was for a few hours, then I shot up the bathrooms with that pump action shotgun Dad left behind the encyclopedias! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?? This is how shit happens, Mom! This is how it all gets started!
And I'm like, "It was decent, I guess. Gave a report on national holidays." Hint hint. Jeez. All of a sudden, for some reason, I want to know what Dad's up to, like does he have any photos of me up on the wall with Super Sis's? But I can't ask that, so I just ask, "What's Dad's new place like?"
Eyebrows' eyebrows shoot up when I say that, and he sits up, looking like he doesn't know what to do, like maybe he should come take the phone away from me, but he isn't sure. Finally he asks, "Is that Claire?" but I just wave for him to hush. So he starts chewing on his thumbnail, all anxious and shit, and says, "Tell her Janice meant nothing to me."
Which, I mean I don't even know what that means, so I open my mouth to keep talking to Mom, and all of a sudden Eyebrows practically launches himself off the couch and grabs onto the phone. And he claps his hand over the mouthpiece and hisses, "But for GOD'S SAKE don't mention Angela!!'
So we're kind of wrestling with the phone, and I'm finally just like, "DUDE! It is not Claire."
And he looks sorta relived, but mainly just disappointed. So he slinks back over the couch and flings himself down, pouting, and grabs another brownie.
I didn't hear shit about Dad's place, on account of Eyebrows being all creepy, but Mom said she'd text me some pictures later. So we hung up, but then she called back like ten minutes later cause she didn't have my damn number! You get that she's got Pooches and Smooches Pet Grooming Parlor on speed-dial, right? I mean, you're feeling me? Shit, I bet she gave my driver's license to Muggles! Render unto Muggles what is LYLE'S, is that how it is?? IS IT???
Anyway, when I throw the phone back on the, well you know, phone thingy, Eyebrows asks, "So who was it, then?" And I say, "Mom," all sullen-like. I never feel good after talking to Mom, you know? Eyebrows can relate. But he wasn't interested in that right now. You know how he is about Super Sis, although God knows why. So he's all, "How's Claire? Claire was there, right?"
At this point, I'm sorta pissed at him, too, so I snap, "Oh, turns out she, you know, found herself in college. Went gay and had a sex change. She's Clarence now. He sends his love."
And Eyebrows goes all pale and growls, "That's not funny, Larry."
But I just cram a whole brownie in my mouth and sit there, glaring at him and chewing. Couple minutes later, Mom's texts start coming in, and somehow or another me and Eyebrows wind up all scootched together on the couch, looking at them. Guess he doesn't mind the tights so much as long as he's got new pics of Super Sis, cause he kept saying, "Wait, go back," every time I'd flip past one, and he's wanting to know stuff like, "Can we print these?" and "Who's that girl? That brunette, who is she?" And I'm like, "No idea. Probably some kinda fucking mutant just like-oh, shit, man, I forgot, just forget I-well, you know . . . like those turtles?" But I didn't have to worry about him getting offended or anything, cause he was staring real intently at my cell phone, and finally he remarks, sorta wary-like, "That girl's hand is drifting awfully low."
And I take a closer look, and I mean I guess he had a point. Like, Super Sis and this new chick, they're posing for the camera and all, and the chick's got her arm around Super-Sis's shoulder, right? Well . . . I don't know, it was probably just the angle or something. Super Sis is too good with the geeks to go gay. Whoa, alliteration! But seriously. I mean, it's like I told Eyebrows right then, I was just kidding about that whole Clarence thing.
But I can tell Eyebrows still isn't cool with it, cause he keeps going back through all the pics with this new chick in them, scowling at her like she's, I don't know, competition or something. Haha, yeah right, if this chick's anything like him, they'd probably fucking love each other! They could pool their stalker resources and start some kinda weird-ass Super-Sis Fan Club for the Hobbit Inclined. LOL, they could make tee shirts!
I finally took the phone away from him and said, sure, I'd e-mail him the pics so he could print them. But between you and me, it ain't happening. I don't know if the dude's even aware of Photoshop, but I'm just not liking the odds of him trying to paste a pic of his own head over that gropey girl's face. That's not the kinda shit I need to run across stuck up on the fridge in our lair. We've got these little magnets. You know.
God, Eyebrows needs therapy like a motherfucker.
But anyways, I was saying about our lair. I was all ready to go back once we polished off the brownies, right? I mean of course I was. Take me away, for the love of God, before Doug comes singing through the door with Lovegood in his arms like it's their fucking wedding night or something. You know he does that, right? I only wish I was shitting you. I've seen him. And when he thinks they're all alone, he calls her Penny. This is my fucking life, people.
So right, at first I thought Eyebrows was all for it, cause I was getting him all pumped up about world domination and foosball and brownies and pancakes and stuff, and he's all, "You ever try making pancakes with Tahitian vanilla?" And, fuck, sure, dude, I'll crush up diamonds and stir it in if you want, just GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! And he's pretty mellow at that point, so I'm thinking we're just gonna glide right out smooth as peanut butter, which oh my god! I love peanut butter! This one time I made brownies, but instead of pouring all of the batter in the pan, I only poured half, right? And then I smoothed a bunch of peanut butter over it with my spoon! And THEN I poured in the rest of the brownie batter, and I baked it like that! And then I ate it straight from the pan with a fork! Holy shit!!
What was I saying? Oh yeah. But then Eyebrows seemed to come back down a little--I guess maybe one of those abilities he's got keeps him from flying too high or something--cause he leaps up and starts striding around talking a mile a minute about vengeance and how he can't let up now, cause "they're gonna pay, they're ALL GONNA PAY!" and shit like that. You know how he is. And he's ticking people off on his fingers, and for every one he ticks off, he's gotta tick off all the ways they wronged him on his other hand, and after two or three people he runs outta fingers, and honest to God, it gets confusing after a while. I usually just tune out when he gets to the thumb. I mean, me, I take it one at a time. First Muggles, then the world. Easy as fucking pie, am I right? Sure I am. Pie is good.
Anyhow, as I understood it, he breezed outta the living room on a quest to royally fuck over that perverted paramedic, which, you know, can't blame him there, but also some fat cop and an old lady. And you know, generally just everyone he's encountered in the last year or so, like some Japanese dude and a cashier who shorted him five bucks change at the 7-11. Oh, and also Dad.
I hope he's back by Christmas. I don't wanna spend Christmas home alone.
Entry:
Almost forgot to mention it. I saw a pic of Dad's new girlfriend, and I shit you not, she looks like Super Sis. Taller, you know, but it's there. And I'm like, holy god, what is this shit???
Saturday-AKA Best Day of My Life So Far!
Oh my god! OH MY GOD!!
Dad just called, and he can't find Super Sis, right, and get this-are you ready? He thinks maybe she ran away with the fucking circus!
Ahahahahaha!! Dude, I can't even fucking breathe right now! Oh my god!!! I bet she's in one of those acts where all the midgets climb on top of each other to make pyramids and shit! Hey, Claire Bear, you forgot your pom-poms-AND YOUR BIG RED NOSE! Oh, man! Fucking college! Ahahaha!
Aw, god, where's my cell phone? I gotta tell Eyebrows, like now! This is the funniest shit ever!!
Status: Complete
Chapters: 3
Word Count: 6, 098
Author: BlueWhitney
Rating: R for language and general weirdness. And Muggles.
Genre: Humor
Characters: Lyle, Sylar
Summary: Honestly now, who has school on Thanksgiving?
Thanksgiving:
It was sweet, man, I'm telling you. Just me and Eyebrows, hanging in the living room. Best Thanksgiving I ever had.
At one point Eyebrows started up, "You know, Larry, sometimes . . ." And then he just sort of zoned out for about five minutes, staring over my head at the clock on the wall. I was kinda worried for a second there, thinking maybe I should poke him with my spoon to make sure he's okay, but he was still breathing. Finally I try to jump start him by saying, "Sometimes . . ?" And he just looks over at me, mouth open, and says, "What?" And I'm like, "You were saying, sometimes . . ." And at first he looked real blank, like what the fuck is this guy talking about, and then he shakes his head and goes, "Oh, right, right. No . . . I was saying sometimes, I feel like I ought to be doing more with my life. You know, like . . . Or maybe less." Then he looked kinda confused and finally winded down with, "Or maybe the same amount, you know. Just in a different field."
And I go, "Yeah, I know what you mean, man. I used to wanna be a vet, till I met Muggles."
So we sit there staring at each other, and I feel like we're totally connected, right, like we're on the same level. And I'm thinking I should say something, you know, like about how he's special and all that junk, and how I'm special, too, but I never realized it till I met him. And how maybe it doesn't matter so much if our parents don't give a shit, like fuck 'em man, we fucking matter!
So I open my mouth and I'm like, "Sylar, buddy . . . the fuck is going on with your hair?"
Then all of a sudden the phone starts ringing, and Eyebrows jerks his arm up and it goes flying off into the wall. The phone I mean. Not his arm, that would just be weird. Guy's got some killer reflexes, though. I bet he kicks major ass at foosball. We should get a table. I mean, every lair should have a ping pong table or a basket ball hoop or something, am I right? Can't just sit around being evil ALL the time. Gotta wind down every now and then. Have a beer, play some cards, then get back to the world domination. Sometimes I think Eyebrows doesn't get that. He's always on edge, plotting or pissed off or working on his hobby, you know.
So anyhow, I picked up the phone without thinking. Shoulda just ignored it. Can't answer the phone when you're in school! Dumbasses.
So I go, "Larry and Eyebrows, Evil As Shit Incorporated." But I could hear Mom talking to someone else while she's holding the phone, so I don't think she heard me. Something about elevating Doug's legs or some shit. Yeah, real sorry I didn't go to Virginia.
After she finishes talking to the important people, she says, "Lyle, honey! How was school?"
Son of a bitch! Yeah, school was fucking awesome, Mom! I walked around wondering where everyone was for a few hours, then I shot up the bathrooms with that pump action shotgun Dad left behind the encyclopedias! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?? This is how shit happens, Mom! This is how it all gets started!
And I'm like, "It was decent, I guess. Gave a report on national holidays." Hint hint. Jeez. All of a sudden, for some reason, I want to know what Dad's up to, like does he have any photos of me up on the wall with Super Sis's? But I can't ask that, so I just ask, "What's Dad's new place like?"
Eyebrows' eyebrows shoot up when I say that, and he sits up, looking like he doesn't know what to do, like maybe he should come take the phone away from me, but he isn't sure. Finally he asks, "Is that Claire?" but I just wave for him to hush. So he starts chewing on his thumbnail, all anxious and shit, and says, "Tell her Janice meant nothing to me."
Which, I mean I don't even know what that means, so I open my mouth to keep talking to Mom, and all of a sudden Eyebrows practically launches himself off the couch and grabs onto the phone. And he claps his hand over the mouthpiece and hisses, "But for GOD'S SAKE don't mention Angela!!'
So we're kind of wrestling with the phone, and I'm finally just like, "DUDE! It is not Claire."
And he looks sorta relived, but mainly just disappointed. So he slinks back over the couch and flings himself down, pouting, and grabs another brownie.
I didn't hear shit about Dad's place, on account of Eyebrows being all creepy, but Mom said she'd text me some pictures later. So we hung up, but then she called back like ten minutes later cause she didn't have my damn number! You get that she's got Pooches and Smooches Pet Grooming Parlor on speed-dial, right? I mean, you're feeling me? Shit, I bet she gave my driver's license to Muggles! Render unto Muggles what is LYLE'S, is that how it is?? IS IT???
Anyway, when I throw the phone back on the, well you know, phone thingy, Eyebrows asks, "So who was it, then?" And I say, "Mom," all sullen-like. I never feel good after talking to Mom, you know? Eyebrows can relate. But he wasn't interested in that right now. You know how he is about Super Sis, although God knows why. So he's all, "How's Claire? Claire was there, right?"
At this point, I'm sorta pissed at him, too, so I snap, "Oh, turns out she, you know, found herself in college. Went gay and had a sex change. She's Clarence now. He sends his love."
And Eyebrows goes all pale and growls, "That's not funny, Larry."
But I just cram a whole brownie in my mouth and sit there, glaring at him and chewing. Couple minutes later, Mom's texts start coming in, and somehow or another me and Eyebrows wind up all scootched together on the couch, looking at them. Guess he doesn't mind the tights so much as long as he's got new pics of Super Sis, cause he kept saying, "Wait, go back," every time I'd flip past one, and he's wanting to know stuff like, "Can we print these?" and "Who's that girl? That brunette, who is she?" And I'm like, "No idea. Probably some kinda fucking mutant just like-oh, shit, man, I forgot, just forget I-well, you know . . . like those turtles?" But I didn't have to worry about him getting offended or anything, cause he was staring real intently at my cell phone, and finally he remarks, sorta wary-like, "That girl's hand is drifting awfully low."
And I take a closer look, and I mean I guess he had a point. Like, Super Sis and this new chick, they're posing for the camera and all, and the chick's got her arm around Super-Sis's shoulder, right? Well . . . I don't know, it was probably just the angle or something. Super Sis is too good with the geeks to go gay. Whoa, alliteration! But seriously. I mean, it's like I told Eyebrows right then, I was just kidding about that whole Clarence thing.
But I can tell Eyebrows still isn't cool with it, cause he keeps going back through all the pics with this new chick in them, scowling at her like she's, I don't know, competition or something. Haha, yeah right, if this chick's anything like him, they'd probably fucking love each other! They could pool their stalker resources and start some kinda weird-ass Super-Sis Fan Club for the Hobbit Inclined. LOL, they could make tee shirts!
I finally took the phone away from him and said, sure, I'd e-mail him the pics so he could print them. But between you and me, it ain't happening. I don't know if the dude's even aware of Photoshop, but I'm just not liking the odds of him trying to paste a pic of his own head over that gropey girl's face. That's not the kinda shit I need to run across stuck up on the fridge in our lair. We've got these little magnets. You know.
God, Eyebrows needs therapy like a motherfucker.
But anyways, I was saying about our lair. I was all ready to go back once we polished off the brownies, right? I mean of course I was. Take me away, for the love of God, before Doug comes singing through the door with Lovegood in his arms like it's their fucking wedding night or something. You know he does that, right? I only wish I was shitting you. I've seen him. And when he thinks they're all alone, he calls her Penny. This is my fucking life, people.
So right, at first I thought Eyebrows was all for it, cause I was getting him all pumped up about world domination and foosball and brownies and pancakes and stuff, and he's all, "You ever try making pancakes with Tahitian vanilla?" And, fuck, sure, dude, I'll crush up diamonds and stir it in if you want, just GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! And he's pretty mellow at that point, so I'm thinking we're just gonna glide right out smooth as peanut butter, which oh my god! I love peanut butter! This one time I made brownies, but instead of pouring all of the batter in the pan, I only poured half, right? And then I smoothed a bunch of peanut butter over it with my spoon! And THEN I poured in the rest of the brownie batter, and I baked it like that! And then I ate it straight from the pan with a fork! Holy shit!!
What was I saying? Oh yeah. But then Eyebrows seemed to come back down a little--I guess maybe one of those abilities he's got keeps him from flying too high or something--cause he leaps up and starts striding around talking a mile a minute about vengeance and how he can't let up now, cause "they're gonna pay, they're ALL GONNA PAY!" and shit like that. You know how he is. And he's ticking people off on his fingers, and for every one he ticks off, he's gotta tick off all the ways they wronged him on his other hand, and after two or three people he runs outta fingers, and honest to God, it gets confusing after a while. I usually just tune out when he gets to the thumb. I mean, me, I take it one at a time. First Muggles, then the world. Easy as fucking pie, am I right? Sure I am. Pie is good.
Anyhow, as I understood it, he breezed outta the living room on a quest to royally fuck over that perverted paramedic, which, you know, can't blame him there, but also some fat cop and an old lady. And you know, generally just everyone he's encountered in the last year or so, like some Japanese dude and a cashier who shorted him five bucks change at the 7-11. Oh, and also Dad.
I hope he's back by Christmas. I don't wanna spend Christmas home alone.
Entry:
Almost forgot to mention it. I saw a pic of Dad's new girlfriend, and I shit you not, she looks like Super Sis. Taller, you know, but it's there. And I'm like, holy god, what is this shit???
Saturday-AKA Best Day of My Life So Far!
Oh my god! OH MY GOD!!
Dad just called, and he can't find Super Sis, right, and get this-are you ready? He thinks maybe she ran away with the fucking circus!
Ahahahahaha!! Dude, I can't even fucking breathe right now! Oh my god!!! I bet she's in one of those acts where all the midgets climb on top of each other to make pyramids and shit! Hey, Claire Bear, you forgot your pom-poms-AND YOUR BIG RED NOSE! Oh, man! Fucking college! Ahahaha!
Aw, god, where's my cell phone? I gotta tell Eyebrows, like now! This is the funniest shit ever!!