(no subject)
partly due to a diseny ride in the magic kingdom in tomorrow land, which is the part of the park that has all the futuristic rides, i used to believe that in the future we would be living at the bottom of the sea and elevated in the sky. i like these fantasy ideas. ad it's sad to me that it's all they really are anymore. as the world became more clear and in focus to me all my fantasy bubbles were broken.
my underwater world was good. we'd somehow gotten these pods with air in them...and they continuously pumped air into the pods. these would be our homes and schools. things like that. and we're just wearing oxygen tanks and wet suits to travel from home to home. up in the air seems frightening. if you imagine the jetsons..there weren't many railings..and if you got into a car accident wouldn't your space pod just fall crashing to the earth. it reminds me of a comic idea that i think i had...to go into the history of how that world came to be...maybe we destroyed this one beyond repair and decided to live above it. maybe i can google the pre-story on google.
well, whatever. work is kinda rough. i feel like i don't belong in a class room, which has been very disheartening to me since it was my latest idea for a career or to make a living. granted...it's and afterschool program and the kids have been in school for about 8 hours when i get them....i feel like i have very little control. when the director or someone else comes in to quiet the class...they get quiet...and then it's back. all i do is worry myself to sickness the whole day before i go in. and i have to make the kids at one school do some christmas thing in less than a month. what that will be, i'm still not sure. they can't listen to me for more than a couple of minutes at a time. i feel outnumbered and i just can't get them all to care about what i'm saying.
it certainly doesn't seem simple. i feel all i'm good for is writing a song. or writing someone else a song. i'm possibly being too hard on myself. that's part of it. but maybe i just suck at this. and that's sad. what else is there ? tons of things, yes, i know. i just want to do what comes easily to me. i don't want to suffer through a week and worry and plan...and feel like my worrying and planning was for naught. the class is never as i expect it. maybe this is my payback for being a bastard when i was a kid in school. it sucks going in with a plan that you think is creative, fun, and educational...only to have to deal with a bunch of screaming wild disinterested kids. -sigh-
makes me just want to explode. i feel like i'm so suppressed. i dont know how to explode or let my frustrations out. just trying to keep bouncing back. boingy boingy boingy. up and down. what goes up comes down.
my dad keeps this picture of us together when i was or something. and i have this huge smile on my face and so does he. it's awful how i have not seen him smile like that in a long time. and especially just to be in my presence. nor do i smile to be in his. he keeps it on his nightstand. it's so sad to me. look inside these words and feel how sad it is. if you'd care to. i'm sad that i also can't remember that day. or that time. it's great to have these recorded memories that i have no recollection of. the happy times i can't even relive in my mind. maybe he remembers clearly. maybe not. i don't know what having the picture there does for him. but i can't stand him, usually. it's like i've seen enough. and time unfolds you learn more and wisen up to people ? maybe, i just became a prick. just floating in the present detached from my root and fearful of where i'll end up. if i'll ever end up anywhere at all. i think the only way i'll ever end up anywhere is through death. can stop and catch my breath. i'm just zooming. i cut some corners when i can, caus'e i can't wait to get to where i can stop. i'm the yr of the rat it's what they do. in that race to enlightenment the rat cheated to get there first but didn't learn a thing. the middle is where all the good is. after a beginning i just want to get to and end and move on.
this might just keep going. it's a journal. you dont need to read. this is for me, mostly.
so my world in the sky. and my world underwater. totally gone. and i have this deep fascination, still, with disney world. i like the place that it occupies in my mind. i have vague memories and i spent many summer vacations there. my family took us pretty often. it as all fun then. the family broke somewhere along the way. my mother and father don't get along and go to therapy. they hide it from us, though. they're still trying to paint this picture of the perfect family..but it's ruinous for me to have to fake it. i can't fake it. so i just sit. it all comes into focus more and more every day. i probably shouldn't live here. it's bad for my general health. i over hear their conversation about divorce and apparent cheating that's happened. it just sucks. and it's funny how i've blamed myself in a lot of ways. i guess for not living up to certain expectations of me, which i was made aware of. it sucks to dislike someone and want to please them..to be chained to them for "all they have done for me." it's too complex and heavy and i prefer to shed that weight. but then there's guilt. oh, guilt. to be human. i just wanna be a duck r something. quack quack quack quack.
there is a diner on staten island that only hires people with down syndrome to work there. phoebe and i went recently but this was unknown to us at the time. i felt bad that i laughed at first when i realized...this waiter and waitress standing over us as we choose what to eat. i snickered to myself. but i felt good about the experience and i think it's a positive thing. while i was eating, though, i was wondering what they thought like. i'm sure they get into patterns like anyone else and are flawed in some areas and excel in others...but i wondered more if they are as self aware or analytical about things. they seemed happy to be doing the job they had. i think it's cool that they get to do that and look forward to it. i don't know that much about down syndrome and i'm sure it has a spectrum but maybe they get to a point and stare there...or like i was saying...perhaps it doesn't all come into focus and they can preserve their perspective. i should read up on it. i just ant to know if i'm missing out or not.
if you read through this, that's cool. i'm happy you did. keep up on this old life. we learned how to build a porch today. goodbye.
my underwater world was good. we'd somehow gotten these pods with air in them...and they continuously pumped air into the pods. these would be our homes and schools. things like that. and we're just wearing oxygen tanks and wet suits to travel from home to home. up in the air seems frightening. if you imagine the jetsons..there weren't many railings..and if you got into a car accident wouldn't your space pod just fall crashing to the earth. it reminds me of a comic idea that i think i had...to go into the history of how that world came to be...maybe we destroyed this one beyond repair and decided to live above it. maybe i can google the pre-story on google.
well, whatever. work is kinda rough. i feel like i don't belong in a class room, which has been very disheartening to me since it was my latest idea for a career or to make a living. granted...it's and afterschool program and the kids have been in school for about 8 hours when i get them....i feel like i have very little control. when the director or someone else comes in to quiet the class...they get quiet...and then it's back. all i do is worry myself to sickness the whole day before i go in. and i have to make the kids at one school do some christmas thing in less than a month. what that will be, i'm still not sure. they can't listen to me for more than a couple of minutes at a time. i feel outnumbered and i just can't get them all to care about what i'm saying.
it certainly doesn't seem simple. i feel all i'm good for is writing a song. or writing someone else a song. i'm possibly being too hard on myself. that's part of it. but maybe i just suck at this. and that's sad. what else is there ? tons of things, yes, i know. i just want to do what comes easily to me. i don't want to suffer through a week and worry and plan...and feel like my worrying and planning was for naught. the class is never as i expect it. maybe this is my payback for being a bastard when i was a kid in school. it sucks going in with a plan that you think is creative, fun, and educational...only to have to deal with a bunch of screaming wild disinterested kids. -sigh-
makes me just want to explode. i feel like i'm so suppressed. i dont know how to explode or let my frustrations out. just trying to keep bouncing back. boingy boingy boingy. up and down. what goes up comes down.
my dad keeps this picture of us together when i was or something. and i have this huge smile on my face and so does he. it's awful how i have not seen him smile like that in a long time. and especially just to be in my presence. nor do i smile to be in his. he keeps it on his nightstand. it's so sad to me. look inside these words and feel how sad it is. if you'd care to. i'm sad that i also can't remember that day. or that time. it's great to have these recorded memories that i have no recollection of. the happy times i can't even relive in my mind. maybe he remembers clearly. maybe not. i don't know what having the picture there does for him. but i can't stand him, usually. it's like i've seen enough. and time unfolds you learn more and wisen up to people ? maybe, i just became a prick. just floating in the present detached from my root and fearful of where i'll end up. if i'll ever end up anywhere at all. i think the only way i'll ever end up anywhere is through death. can stop and catch my breath. i'm just zooming. i cut some corners when i can, caus'e i can't wait to get to where i can stop. i'm the yr of the rat it's what they do. in that race to enlightenment the rat cheated to get there first but didn't learn a thing. the middle is where all the good is. after a beginning i just want to get to and end and move on.
this might just keep going. it's a journal. you dont need to read. this is for me, mostly.
so my world in the sky. and my world underwater. totally gone. and i have this deep fascination, still, with disney world. i like the place that it occupies in my mind. i have vague memories and i spent many summer vacations there. my family took us pretty often. it as all fun then. the family broke somewhere along the way. my mother and father don't get along and go to therapy. they hide it from us, though. they're still trying to paint this picture of the perfect family..but it's ruinous for me to have to fake it. i can't fake it. so i just sit. it all comes into focus more and more every day. i probably shouldn't live here. it's bad for my general health. i over hear their conversation about divorce and apparent cheating that's happened. it just sucks. and it's funny how i've blamed myself in a lot of ways. i guess for not living up to certain expectations of me, which i was made aware of. it sucks to dislike someone and want to please them..to be chained to them for "all they have done for me." it's too complex and heavy and i prefer to shed that weight. but then there's guilt. oh, guilt. to be human. i just wanna be a duck r something. quack quack quack quack.
there is a diner on staten island that only hires people with down syndrome to work there. phoebe and i went recently but this was unknown to us at the time. i felt bad that i laughed at first when i realized...this waiter and waitress standing over us as we choose what to eat. i snickered to myself. but i felt good about the experience and i think it's a positive thing. while i was eating, though, i was wondering what they thought like. i'm sure they get into patterns like anyone else and are flawed in some areas and excel in others...but i wondered more if they are as self aware or analytical about things. they seemed happy to be doing the job they had. i think it's cool that they get to do that and look forward to it. i don't know that much about down syndrome and i'm sure it has a spectrum but maybe they get to a point and stare there...or like i was saying...perhaps it doesn't all come into focus and they can preserve their perspective. i should read up on it. i just ant to know if i'm missing out or not.
if you read through this, that's cool. i'm happy you did. keep up on this old life. we learned how to build a porch today. goodbye.