anyway, i'm glad
today over dinner my mind was wandering. i was wondering what my parents are going to do with all of the things they have accrued over their lifetime in this house once they sell it or pass on. builders offered them a lot of money recently to buy the land. they would knock it down and put up four houses in its place. we have so much stuff, though. i tried to imagine myself ever becoming someone so taken by memorabilia. i can picture the place i live to be more subtle. and i'd much rather live my life without collecting and being weighed down by so much stuff. i guess i'm thinking that i might be expected to take some of it with me. hand me downs for possible future children of my own. collectibles i might feel guilty about throwing away when i'm sifting through it all with my sister one day. my father wants to sell and bu an RV. he wants to drive around the country seeing a lot of things before he settles down into old age with my mother somewhere. i look at him and try to understand what's it like; knowing you are closer to the end than the beginning; making decision based on that. at times in my life i've tried to prepare myself for death. i don't think i've yet let go of all i need to in order to be truly free. i'm close and can sense what it must feel like, but not yet. and when you haven't let go death is something to be feared. the end of anything is feared. so many things begin and end in my life on a daily basis. sometimes i can't handle the end of a really good day, book, or album without this fear of being empty once it's all over. this thing that had given me some weight; enough to land and relax is leaving and i'm sailing up and away.
i have a dream book. i'm writing them down in the morning whenever i remember them. i'd like to once and for all find out if lucid dreaming is something that will work for me. soon i will also have a night time book for writing in. live journal is good for thoughts...but i need something private as well.
john and i want to start fishing. he has all these great out doors ideas and i'm all for them. but we both have a propensity for thinking and talking about a lot of things...but never quite getting there. i feel like if i write it done here the idea is one step closer to becoming real. once it leaves my imagination it stands a fighting chance. it's not like we don't do ANYthing we want to. i, personally, find it easier to get swept up in what other people are doing than pursue my own creative aspirations. i suppose there is less responsibility involved and if there is any type of failure it's not something that i had my heart in to begin with.
i've been working on electronic music a lot lately. i love how easy it is to put together a song in real time. i can watch my creation come into being both vertically and horizontally. there is no noise from recording with microphones..all i essentially need to have is one computer program. and i can change anything i played at any point in the process because it's midi. organs can become bass. i can program volume and pitch bends. delays and reverbs. it's nice.
time for sleep. goodnight livejournal land.
i have a dream book. i'm writing them down in the morning whenever i remember them. i'd like to once and for all find out if lucid dreaming is something that will work for me. soon i will also have a night time book for writing in. live journal is good for thoughts...but i need something private as well.
john and i want to start fishing. he has all these great out doors ideas and i'm all for them. but we both have a propensity for thinking and talking about a lot of things...but never quite getting there. i feel like if i write it done here the idea is one step closer to becoming real. once it leaves my imagination it stands a fighting chance. it's not like we don't do ANYthing we want to. i, personally, find it easier to get swept up in what other people are doing than pursue my own creative aspirations. i suppose there is less responsibility involved and if there is any type of failure it's not something that i had my heart in to begin with.
i've been working on electronic music a lot lately. i love how easy it is to put together a song in real time. i can watch my creation come into being both vertically and horizontally. there is no noise from recording with microphones..all i essentially need to have is one computer program. and i can change anything i played at any point in the process because it's midi. organs can become bass. i can program volume and pitch bends. delays and reverbs. it's nice.
time for sleep. goodnight livejournal land.