The Thunderer's Confession
Title:The Thunderer's Confession
Rating:R
Prompt:fighting
Fandom:Marvel Cinematic Universe
Word Count:4381
Warnings:Mild swearing, illusions to rape
Summary: Thor knows he has messed things up with Loki. Trouble is, he doesn't know how to fix it. Sequel to 'The Thunderer's Children'
Following the birth of Mággá and Hánna, a change came over the palace on Asgard. Loki couldn't quite put his finger on what it was, exactly, but something was different. The twins were currently five months old, and unless you were told, no one would think they had come early. He settled Mággá into her crib in the small alcove of the nursery where all the children had slept in their infancy and fastened his shirt closed, checking on Hánna before heading out into the nursery proper. The only other child who still spent all their time in the nursery was Leyla, and she was sitting on a rug in front of the fireplace, looking rather forlorn.
He went over and sat on the rug with his daughter, giving her an encouraging smile. “What's the matter?”
She sighed. “I don't like being alone in here. I miss everyone.”
“I see.” He looked up as the door opened and Orr, the nanny, came into the room. “Good morning.”
“Morning.” She gave them both a smile. “The little ones asleep?”
He nodded. “Everyone else in the classroom?”
“Yes.” She went over to a chair and sat down. “They should be back for lunch.”
“I wish I could go to school.” Leyla rested her head on her hands and looked over at her mother. “It's boring here and I have to be quiet when the twins are sleeping. Even if Jora will stay here after lunch is over.”
“Well then,” Loki stood and brushed off his tunic, pulling his daughter to her feet. “Why don't we go for a walk?”
She gave him a smile. “Yes!” She replied, a bit loudly, and then looked sheepish. “I mean...” She whispered.
“We'll be back in a while.” Loki took Leyla's hand and they headed out into the corridor. “It won't be too much longer before you can join your siblings in the schoolroom.”
“I know.” She sighed. “It's not fair. Jora's going to become better friends with Thalia, and the boys have each other, and the twins have each other, I'm all alone.”
He squeezed her hand. “You're not alone, honey. It just seems that way right now. Furthermore, there are four years between Thalia and Jora, and there's only and a half between you and her.”
“I'm not a baby.” She puffed out her bottom lip. “But sometimes I feel like one.”
They came down the steps and went outside into the gardens, and Loki took a deep breath of fresh air; warm as Asgard was at times, being out of doors was always welcome. “I think you're quite the big girl at four.”
“I miss having Jora around.” The went into the gardens. “Why can't I go to classes too? I'm smart! I can already read!”
“I know you can, honey.” Loki sighed. “It's just a rule, Leyla. Granted, it's a bit of a stupid rule, but a rule none the less. In the time it would take for it to be changed, you would already be five, so it would be a moot point.”
“It'd help get Hánna and Mággá into school quicker.” She made a face. “But then, they can't even sit up yet.”
“No, they can't.” Loki laughed. “But they will be running around the nursery before you know it.”
“You think so mama?” Her face scrunched up. “It doesn't seem like it.”
“Oh, just you wait. They'll be up and knocking over you and Jora's block cities in no time.”
“Can we build a block city later, mama? You, Jora and me?” They turned down a path and headed towards the queen's personal gardens, and Loki noted the guards didn't even pause or try to stop them when he and Leyla crossed under an arch of holly.
“Of course we can.” He smiled.
Leyla tugged free of his hand and started walking down the path backwards. “I like breakfast now that we all eat it together. It used to be just once or twice week, now it's every day!”
“Be careful, Leyla.” He kept pace with her. “Don't run.”
“I won't.” she grinned. “Do you think we could start having other meals all together?”
“I believe we could. Perhaps we should suggest it to papa tomorrow morning.” Loki smiled. “Although given that all of you children have different bedtimes, I don't think we can have it be dinner just yet. Perhaps tea.”
Leyla grinned and turned to look over her shoulder, dodging around an urn. “Lunch?”
“We'll see.” Loki replied.
*
Thor knew that he had messed up the whole situation with Loki. He knew he had handled the whole situation poorly since the moment he walked into the jotun's room sixteen years ago and bartered the prince's freedom in exchange for heirs. Truth be told, he'd actually be so shocked that Loki had agreed, he didn't question it. Perhaps he had thought the children would be taken from them as soon as they were weaned, or he wouldn't be able to play such an important role in their lives.
He hadn't been thinking clearly that night either and he had done something unforgivable.
When Valdór was born, he should have changed things; told Loki that the deal was unfair and cruel, and they could have ended it there. But he didn't. He let it continue on and then when Loki bore him Jösur, and he found himself the father of two healthy, handsome sons, he should have thanked the Norns for their blessings and tried to salvage something; but then his stupid pride, and the worst and basest part of his nature got the better of him - perhaps even the Norns decided to curse him for his arrogance and ingratitude; he sired Thalia with the thought of filling Loki's womb with nothing but daughters, keeping the jotun his prisoner and whore.
He definitely should have stopped when Jora was born, brought an end to the whole sordid wickedness, but he hadn't. Like the fool he was, he had gotten Loki with child twice more; and this last pregnancy had nearly cost him both his two youngest - and all the children their mother.
This entire situation was his fault and he had only himself to blame.
Thor loved all of his children dearly, and he loved their mother - but he also knew that any love that Loki had for him wasn't the sort of love that there should be. It wasn't true, it was something as twisted as their relationship. The man was and still remained a prisoner of Asgard. When Loki had told him that he couldn't have any more children for at least half a century, he'd been relieved. It had started to scare him at how willing the jotun had become to be bred, so different from that first night, when he'd surrendered himself completely - for a chance of freedom that would never come, and for the jotun who were still rebuilding their city, all these years later. Loki shouldn't love him - he should despise him with every fiber of his being.
He knew he could not fix the damage that had been done; it was impossible. The whole thing had spiraled out of his control the night he planted Jösur in Loki's belly and the jotun, as a prisoner, couldn't stop him. The Allfather had given Loki to him, a prize for a job well done. His mother, however, had tried to reason with him more than once; after Jösur, after Jora, after Leyla - and he'd brushed off her warnings and gone on as if nothing was wrong.
Sighing, he adjusted his vambraces, already dreading the meeting with the privy council today. He would have liked to have remained in the nursery with the youngest girls and Loki. But with Odin's health rapidly slipping away, he couldn't expect his father to attend to all of his duties. Even if he was doing his best to show that he wasn't ill, wasn't nearing the end of his life, asking him to spend the better part of his day listen to lords squabble about what they thought was wrong with the inner workings of the nobility and the realm wasn't going to help him.
*
Loki covered a yawn, adjusting his hold on Hánna as she nursed. “Still not ready to sleep through the night and give your mother a break, are you?”
The blond infant said nothing, only clenched and unclenched her fist, brushing it again her mother's breast as she suckled.
“I suppose I shouldn't complain, you all grow so quickly. At least for the first seven years.” He shook his head. “That's why your brother Valdór is fifteen and looks nine. I still don't know why they moved him out of the nursery, he still spends most of his time here.” He paused, looking down at his youngest. “You drifted off, didn't you?” He gently eased his nipple free of the girl's mouth, and the babe did not protest. “You did.” He shifted her so he could burp her before standing up and setting her in her crib. “Good night, littlest one.” He put a kiss on his finger and then set it against her cheek.
“Mama?” A voice whispered from the doorway.
“Thalia?” He quickly buttoned his tunic closed. “What's wrong?” He came out and joined her in the nursery proper. “Bad dream?”
“No.” She rubbed her nose. “I don't feel good.”
He set a hand on her forehead. “Well, you're not warm.” He led her back over to her bed. “What doesn't feel good? Tummy?”
She shook her head. “No, it's... it's sort of hard to describe, I don't feel sick, just... not right.” She climbed back into her bed.
“Hmm.” He sat down. “No one said anything nasty to you at dinner, did they?”
“Uh uh.” She shook her head, pulling the blankets up to her chin. “Didn't eat too much either.”
Loki brushed a strand of hair out of her face. “And you haven't had any disagreements with your sisters or brothers...” He paused. “It's not easy having all these sisters, is it?”
She shuffled closer to the edge of her blanket. “I love my sisters.”
“I know you do. But I imagine sometimes it seems like there's an awful lot of everyone else and not enough adults, is that it?” He saw her lift her chin. “I bet it is.”
“Everyone seems so busy. You, papa, Orr, you're either not here or occupied with someone else. And grandfather's not feeling well, and grandmother has things to do, and...”
Loki set a finger against her nose. “I know, sweetheart, and I'm sorry.” He paused. “And you have schoolwork to keep you occupied in those times when there's actually a moment for someone to spare.”
“It stinks.” She pouted slightly. “I wish I didn't have to go to school. I want to stay here with Leyla and the twins.”
He chuckled. “This morning Leyla told me exactly the opposite.”
“She can go to school and I'll stay here. I won't mind.” She turned onto her side, curling up. “I just...” She looked up at him. “I don't know what's the matter...”
“Honey.” Loki brushed her forehead with his thumb. “Just tell me.”
“I guess I just feel out of place. My sisters seem a lot younger than me at times, and the boys have each other. I feel sort of... alone.” She sighed. “I'm sorry.”
“No, there's nothing to be sorry for. And I understand what you mean by feeling alone. Even in a big family it's easy to feel that way.” He tucked the covers around her and turned when he heard a floorboard creak. “Good evening, Thor.”
The man came to the doorway, smiling awkwardly. “Someone not able to sleep?”
“Missed you at dinner, Papa.” Thalia spoke with a yawn.
“Meeting ran long.” He went over to the bed and kissed her forehead. “Trade agreements with Vanaheim. Would much rather have had dinner with the rest of you.”
“Tomorrow?” She gave him a hopeful look.
“We're definitely having breakfast tomorrow, and I'll do my best to make sure we have dinner as well.” There was something in his tone that unnerved Loki.
“Are you going to be able to sleep, Tia?” He brushed her hair again before standing up.
“Uh huh.” She snuggled into her pillow. “Good night.”
“Good night, baby.” He and Thor headed out of the room after the prince wished Thalia good night as well and into the corridor. They had nearly reached Loki's chambers when he turned to face the man. “What's wrong?”
Thor let out a breath. “Many things. May we talk inside?” He gestured to the door.
“Of course.” He went into his room and waited for Thor to shut the door.
*
“I have made an absolute mess of things.” Thor decided he'd just come out and say it. “You told me after that first night that I needed to atone for the mistake I made when I took you to bed for the first time. Instead of doing that, I have only made things worse.”
Loki lifted his chin, a tiny glimmer in his eyes that Thor hadn't seen in years. “Yes, you have, haven't you?” He stepped way from him, clasping his hands in front of him. “Then again, I haven't exactly been all that helpful either. However, I wasn't exactly in a position to stop you, was I?” There was venom in the jotun's voice.
“No.” He shook his head, then stared at him, dumbfounded. “You should have said something, or...” He stopped. “No, the fault is entirely mine. What I did to you was unspeakably cruel and....”
“To Helheim with what you did to me.” Loki snarled. “If it was just the two of us in this situation, I wouldn't have minded. But there are others, completely innocent, who are caught up in this. Seven of them.” He was clasping his hands together, a gesture Thor reconsigned as Loki trying to keep himself under control; Jösur and Jora did the same thing when they were upset. “As I told you before the twins were born, I am still Asgard's prisoner. The children, however, are not - but they don't know that I am. They do not even know we are not married. They know nothing of our situation or how it came to be.”
Thor grasped a chair to have something to hold. “I don't want them knowing, not...”
“Of course you don't want the children knowing the truth. I'm certain Valdór would love to know that you essentially raped his mother to conceive him. I'm certain that the girls would just be delighted with the fact that you chose for them to be girls rather than letting the Norns decide.” His voice was icy. “I suppose that just leaves Jösur, and I wonder if his father remembers as well as his mother does how drunk you were was the night he was planted in my womb.”
“Loki...” This wasn't what Thor was expecting at all. It was as if the demure person the jotun had been for the past sixteen years was gone and he was once again facing the proud prince of Jotunheim. Which was exactly who Loki was. “You're right.” He lowered his head. “I just...”
“For fuck's sake, spit it out Thor!” He spat.
“I want to make this better and I don't know how! I didn't know how sixteen years ago!” He flinched thunder crashed outside. He took a breath before continuing. “And I was too damn proud to ask for help.”
“Finally, some truth.” The jotun moved to put his hands behind his back. “There really is no way to fix things now, Thor. Clearly you can see that.” He started to pace. “We cannot start over, we cannot wash the slate clean, as the saying goes. There are too many people involved.” He paused, a hint of a smile on his lips. “You do love your children. That is one of the things you have managed to do correctly.” He turned away. “However, you had to have known I would never leave my children. I thought for a while you would lose interest, or be drug into some political marriage and let me go; but it was not to be.” He went over to the window and Thor was reminded of that first night. “Here were are, sixteen years later, you're not married and I've borne you seven children like a good bitch.”
Thor closed the distance between them, but did not move to touch Loki. “You were the one who told me that we cannot change the past, we can only move forward. But I do not know how to move forward from this.”
“And you think I do?” Loki shook his head and turned to face him. “No, there are too many people involved and it's been too long. Things can't be set right, not completely.”
“Then what do we do?” He felt helpless. “Do you hate me?”
The jotun did not meet his gaze, not right away. “I cannot hate you without hating our children. I hate what you are and what you have done, not who you are.”
He frowned. “I do not understand.”
The jotun snorted. “Thick as ever. You are a man who loves and cares for his children, loves his realm and his subjects. I suppose on some level, you might love me, and what love I have for you mostly is from the children. Sometime before I was carrying Jora, I began to feel affection for you, perhaps it even was love on some level.” He sighed. “I didn't dream of you returning it. You seemed interested only in filling my belly up with your progeny.”
Thor flinched at the accuracy of his words. “Loki...”
“I wasn't finished.” He snapped. “It's a twisted form of love, I know that now. One born out of something false that I convinced myself was real. When Eir told me of the toll the pregnancies were having on my health, I was devastated. I thought that would be the thing that would make you leave. I didn't see just how twisted everything was.” He lifted his chin. “That last month of bed-rest cleared my head a little. Since then, things have become all the more apparent.”
“What do you want, Loki?” He swallowed. “Please, just tell me what you want.”
“Freedom.” He seethed. “I want to be able to return home and see my family, to quell whatever fears they have had about me these past sixteen years. See my people and how they are recovering from the war. I want the children to visit my homeland, that being part jotun isn't something to be ashamed of or kept hidden. Norns know that Jösur, Jora and Mággá carry the proof of their heritage on their skin.”
Thor took a breath. “I cannot allow you to take all the children with you to Jotunheim, especially not alone. You know this.”
“Of course I know that.” Loki started to pace across the room. “Perhaps just the four youngest. I'm not leaving Mággá and Hánna with wet nurse.”
He frowned, thinking. “Regardless of who goes, I must insist that you take a guard or two, and Orr.”
“I would expect you to suggest that.” He made a weak attempt at a laugh. “Nor should you worry about me packing up and leaving in the middle of the night. I know better than that.” He set a hand on the foot-board of the bed. “Time apart is something we both need, Thor. We can clear our minds. I will return and we move forward, with a bit more of a.... fresh perspective.”
He nodded slowly. “Arrangements will need to be made. If the council starts throwing around objections, I will just tell them to go fuck themselves.”
Loki let out a snort. “Considering the majority of that council are old men who couldn't get it up for Aphrodite, that's rather funny.”
Thor chuckled. “It also cannot be a long trip, you understand.”
“A fortnight is all I ask.” There was an odd tone in his voice, it was wistful - another timbre of jotun's voice he had not heard in what felt like forever.
“That I can give.” He hesitantly touched Loki's cheek. “And I will miss you and the children that go with you.”
“And we shall miss you.” He slipped into the familiar, passive and polite prisoner he had been an hour ago; now Thor could see it for the mask that it was.
He didn't like it.
*
There was a small crowd at the bi-frost. With all seven children, three guards, Orr, himself, four trunks, Thor and Heimdall, the observatory felt oddly crowded. Neither the council nor any of the nobles had put up much of a fuss of Loki and the four youngest children taking a furlough to Jotunheim that would last twenty-four days; it had been more than the prince had hoped for. The notion that tonight, he would be seeing his father and brothers again, he'd be gazing on the stars of his childhood, and for a few blissful weeks, he'd be free.
“Now, you three behave yourselves while I am gone.” Loki quickly placed kisses on each of his son's cheeks, and then on Thalia's. “We will be back before you know it.”
“I don't see why we can't all go.” Thalia looked crushed. “I want to go too.”
“I know, sweetheart.” He sighed and gave his eldest daughter another hug. “But someone has to stay here and keep your father in line since your grandmother is busy.”
“We'll get to go next time.” Jösur replied, giving him a half grin. “Right?”
“Right.” Loki responded, “Next time, you three will come and your sisters will stay. And some day, we will all go.”
Valdór nodded and then took his brother and sister by the hand. “I'll take care of them, maman.”
Loki smiled and kissed his son's forehead. “Good boy.” He stepped away from the trio as Thor, his face stained with tears, was handing Hánna back to Orr.
“I won't know them when you get back.” He murmured. “They'll be so big.”
Jora hugged her father's legs. “No they won't papa. I'll make sure they stay little!”
“You will be careful.” Thor untangled the girl and put her hand in Loki's. “Won't you?”
“Of course we will.” Loki gave the crown prince a smile. “And we will be back before you can even begin to miss us.” He picked up Leyla and put his arm around Jora as the observatory began to whirl.
*
Laufey stood silently in the doorway of his son's room, smiling at the sight within. His youngest was home; if only for one turn of Jotunheim's moon. For years he had feared that his son was dead; and given what he had been told, he wasn't certain if the fate that had awaited him in Asgard was better or worse than death. The crown prince had done the same thing all Asgardian royals did when they caught a jotun. They helped themselves to the fertile womb of their prisoner and sired an heir. What the Thunderer had done, however, was far worse than what his father and grandfather had done. Prince Thor had turned his proud son into a broodmare and gotten seven children from him.
Four of whom were now sleeping in their grandfather's fortress here on Jotunheim.
From where he was, Laufey could see into the wide cradle at the side of the bed, and the two girls sleeping within; one cream, one sapphire. Curled up in the furs on the bed itself were his son and two more girls; who looked so much like their dam; like their late grandmother.
Tomorrow, he and Loki would begin the long process of 'catching up' and planning for the future. He knew he could not keep his son or his granddaughters; but damned if he was going to be sending his clever sorcerer son back to Asgard without some sort of plan.
*
Valdór shook his brother's shoulder. “Jösur!” He didn't bother whispering. “Jösur, wake up!”
His brother groaned and rolled over, opening his eyes slightly. “It's the middle of the night, Val, what is it?”He frowned. “Something didn't happen on Jotunheim, did it?”
He gulped and shook his head. “No. It's....Grandfather is dead.” He didn't know how else to say it and wasn't surprised when his brother sat up, staring at him.
“What?”
“He's gone.” Valdór sat down on his brother's bed, gulping. “I.... Papa is king now.”
Jösur rubbed at his eyes, trying to wake up. “Does Thalia know yet?”
“I don't think so...” He gulped. “I... I was told to come and tell you, then go see her.”
“We'll both go.” He fumbled for his robe and got out of bed, stuffing his feet into his slippers. “Do you think Mama and the others will come back now? It's only been a day.”
“I don't know.” Valdór frowned. “C'mon let's go get Tia.”
Rating:R
Prompt:fighting
Fandom:Marvel Cinematic Universe
Word Count:4381
Warnings:Mild swearing, illusions to rape
Summary: Thor knows he has messed things up with Loki. Trouble is, he doesn't know how to fix it. Sequel to 'The Thunderer's Children'
Following the birth of Mággá and Hánna, a change came over the palace on Asgard. Loki couldn't quite put his finger on what it was, exactly, but something was different. The twins were currently five months old, and unless you were told, no one would think they had come early. He settled Mággá into her crib in the small alcove of the nursery where all the children had slept in their infancy and fastened his shirt closed, checking on Hánna before heading out into the nursery proper. The only other child who still spent all their time in the nursery was Leyla, and she was sitting on a rug in front of the fireplace, looking rather forlorn.
He went over and sat on the rug with his daughter, giving her an encouraging smile. “What's the matter?”
She sighed. “I don't like being alone in here. I miss everyone.”
“I see.” He looked up as the door opened and Orr, the nanny, came into the room. “Good morning.”
“Morning.” She gave them both a smile. “The little ones asleep?”
He nodded. “Everyone else in the classroom?”
“Yes.” She went over to a chair and sat down. “They should be back for lunch.”
“I wish I could go to school.” Leyla rested her head on her hands and looked over at her mother. “It's boring here and I have to be quiet when the twins are sleeping. Even if Jora will stay here after lunch is over.”
“Well then,” Loki stood and brushed off his tunic, pulling his daughter to her feet. “Why don't we go for a walk?”
She gave him a smile. “Yes!” She replied, a bit loudly, and then looked sheepish. “I mean...” She whispered.
“We'll be back in a while.” Loki took Leyla's hand and they headed out into the corridor. “It won't be too much longer before you can join your siblings in the schoolroom.”
“I know.” She sighed. “It's not fair. Jora's going to become better friends with Thalia, and the boys have each other, and the twins have each other, I'm all alone.”
He squeezed her hand. “You're not alone, honey. It just seems that way right now. Furthermore, there are four years between Thalia and Jora, and there's only and a half between you and her.”
“I'm not a baby.” She puffed out her bottom lip. “But sometimes I feel like one.”
They came down the steps and went outside into the gardens, and Loki took a deep breath of fresh air; warm as Asgard was at times, being out of doors was always welcome. “I think you're quite the big girl at four.”
“I miss having Jora around.” The went into the gardens. “Why can't I go to classes too? I'm smart! I can already read!”
“I know you can, honey.” Loki sighed. “It's just a rule, Leyla. Granted, it's a bit of a stupid rule, but a rule none the less. In the time it would take for it to be changed, you would already be five, so it would be a moot point.”
“It'd help get Hánna and Mággá into school quicker.” She made a face. “But then, they can't even sit up yet.”
“No, they can't.” Loki laughed. “But they will be running around the nursery before you know it.”
“You think so mama?” Her face scrunched up. “It doesn't seem like it.”
“Oh, just you wait. They'll be up and knocking over you and Jora's block cities in no time.”
“Can we build a block city later, mama? You, Jora and me?” They turned down a path and headed towards the queen's personal gardens, and Loki noted the guards didn't even pause or try to stop them when he and Leyla crossed under an arch of holly.
“Of course we can.” He smiled.
Leyla tugged free of his hand and started walking down the path backwards. “I like breakfast now that we all eat it together. It used to be just once or twice week, now it's every day!”
“Be careful, Leyla.” He kept pace with her. “Don't run.”
“I won't.” she grinned. “Do you think we could start having other meals all together?”
“I believe we could. Perhaps we should suggest it to papa tomorrow morning.” Loki smiled. “Although given that all of you children have different bedtimes, I don't think we can have it be dinner just yet. Perhaps tea.”
Leyla grinned and turned to look over her shoulder, dodging around an urn. “Lunch?”
“We'll see.” Loki replied.
*
Thor knew that he had messed up the whole situation with Loki. He knew he had handled the whole situation poorly since the moment he walked into the jotun's room sixteen years ago and bartered the prince's freedom in exchange for heirs. Truth be told, he'd actually be so shocked that Loki had agreed, he didn't question it. Perhaps he had thought the children would be taken from them as soon as they were weaned, or he wouldn't be able to play such an important role in their lives.
He hadn't been thinking clearly that night either and he had done something unforgivable.
When Valdór was born, he should have changed things; told Loki that the deal was unfair and cruel, and they could have ended it there. But he didn't. He let it continue on and then when Loki bore him Jösur, and he found himself the father of two healthy, handsome sons, he should have thanked the Norns for their blessings and tried to salvage something; but then his stupid pride, and the worst and basest part of his nature got the better of him - perhaps even the Norns decided to curse him for his arrogance and ingratitude; he sired Thalia with the thought of filling Loki's womb with nothing but daughters, keeping the jotun his prisoner and whore.
He definitely should have stopped when Jora was born, brought an end to the whole sordid wickedness, but he hadn't. Like the fool he was, he had gotten Loki with child twice more; and this last pregnancy had nearly cost him both his two youngest - and all the children their mother.
This entire situation was his fault and he had only himself to blame.
Thor loved all of his children dearly, and he loved their mother - but he also knew that any love that Loki had for him wasn't the sort of love that there should be. It wasn't true, it was something as twisted as their relationship. The man was and still remained a prisoner of Asgard. When Loki had told him that he couldn't have any more children for at least half a century, he'd been relieved. It had started to scare him at how willing the jotun had become to be bred, so different from that first night, when he'd surrendered himself completely - for a chance of freedom that would never come, and for the jotun who were still rebuilding their city, all these years later. Loki shouldn't love him - he should despise him with every fiber of his being.
He knew he could not fix the damage that had been done; it was impossible. The whole thing had spiraled out of his control the night he planted Jösur in Loki's belly and the jotun, as a prisoner, couldn't stop him. The Allfather had given Loki to him, a prize for a job well done. His mother, however, had tried to reason with him more than once; after Jösur, after Jora, after Leyla - and he'd brushed off her warnings and gone on as if nothing was wrong.
Sighing, he adjusted his vambraces, already dreading the meeting with the privy council today. He would have liked to have remained in the nursery with the youngest girls and Loki. But with Odin's health rapidly slipping away, he couldn't expect his father to attend to all of his duties. Even if he was doing his best to show that he wasn't ill, wasn't nearing the end of his life, asking him to spend the better part of his day listen to lords squabble about what they thought was wrong with the inner workings of the nobility and the realm wasn't going to help him.
*
Loki covered a yawn, adjusting his hold on Hánna as she nursed. “Still not ready to sleep through the night and give your mother a break, are you?”
The blond infant said nothing, only clenched and unclenched her fist, brushing it again her mother's breast as she suckled.
“I suppose I shouldn't complain, you all grow so quickly. At least for the first seven years.” He shook his head. “That's why your brother Valdór is fifteen and looks nine. I still don't know why they moved him out of the nursery, he still spends most of his time here.” He paused, looking down at his youngest. “You drifted off, didn't you?” He gently eased his nipple free of the girl's mouth, and the babe did not protest. “You did.” He shifted her so he could burp her before standing up and setting her in her crib. “Good night, littlest one.” He put a kiss on his finger and then set it against her cheek.
“Mama?” A voice whispered from the doorway.
“Thalia?” He quickly buttoned his tunic closed. “What's wrong?” He came out and joined her in the nursery proper. “Bad dream?”
“No.” She rubbed her nose. “I don't feel good.”
He set a hand on her forehead. “Well, you're not warm.” He led her back over to her bed. “What doesn't feel good? Tummy?”
She shook her head. “No, it's... it's sort of hard to describe, I don't feel sick, just... not right.” She climbed back into her bed.
“Hmm.” He sat down. “No one said anything nasty to you at dinner, did they?”
“Uh uh.” She shook her head, pulling the blankets up to her chin. “Didn't eat too much either.”
Loki brushed a strand of hair out of her face. “And you haven't had any disagreements with your sisters or brothers...” He paused. “It's not easy having all these sisters, is it?”
She shuffled closer to the edge of her blanket. “I love my sisters.”
“I know you do. But I imagine sometimes it seems like there's an awful lot of everyone else and not enough adults, is that it?” He saw her lift her chin. “I bet it is.”
“Everyone seems so busy. You, papa, Orr, you're either not here or occupied with someone else. And grandfather's not feeling well, and grandmother has things to do, and...”
Loki set a finger against her nose. “I know, sweetheart, and I'm sorry.” He paused. “And you have schoolwork to keep you occupied in those times when there's actually a moment for someone to spare.”
“It stinks.” She pouted slightly. “I wish I didn't have to go to school. I want to stay here with Leyla and the twins.”
He chuckled. “This morning Leyla told me exactly the opposite.”
“She can go to school and I'll stay here. I won't mind.” She turned onto her side, curling up. “I just...” She looked up at him. “I don't know what's the matter...”
“Honey.” Loki brushed her forehead with his thumb. “Just tell me.”
“I guess I just feel out of place. My sisters seem a lot younger than me at times, and the boys have each other. I feel sort of... alone.” She sighed. “I'm sorry.”
“No, there's nothing to be sorry for. And I understand what you mean by feeling alone. Even in a big family it's easy to feel that way.” He tucked the covers around her and turned when he heard a floorboard creak. “Good evening, Thor.”
The man came to the doorway, smiling awkwardly. “Someone not able to sleep?”
“Missed you at dinner, Papa.” Thalia spoke with a yawn.
“Meeting ran long.” He went over to the bed and kissed her forehead. “Trade agreements with Vanaheim. Would much rather have had dinner with the rest of you.”
“Tomorrow?” She gave him a hopeful look.
“We're definitely having breakfast tomorrow, and I'll do my best to make sure we have dinner as well.” There was something in his tone that unnerved Loki.
“Are you going to be able to sleep, Tia?” He brushed her hair again before standing up.
“Uh huh.” She snuggled into her pillow. “Good night.”
“Good night, baby.” He and Thor headed out of the room after the prince wished Thalia good night as well and into the corridor. They had nearly reached Loki's chambers when he turned to face the man. “What's wrong?”
Thor let out a breath. “Many things. May we talk inside?” He gestured to the door.
“Of course.” He went into his room and waited for Thor to shut the door.
*
“I have made an absolute mess of things.” Thor decided he'd just come out and say it. “You told me after that first night that I needed to atone for the mistake I made when I took you to bed for the first time. Instead of doing that, I have only made things worse.”
Loki lifted his chin, a tiny glimmer in his eyes that Thor hadn't seen in years. “Yes, you have, haven't you?” He stepped way from him, clasping his hands in front of him. “Then again, I haven't exactly been all that helpful either. However, I wasn't exactly in a position to stop you, was I?” There was venom in the jotun's voice.
“No.” He shook his head, then stared at him, dumbfounded. “You should have said something, or...” He stopped. “No, the fault is entirely mine. What I did to you was unspeakably cruel and....”
“To Helheim with what you did to me.” Loki snarled. “If it was just the two of us in this situation, I wouldn't have minded. But there are others, completely innocent, who are caught up in this. Seven of them.” He was clasping his hands together, a gesture Thor reconsigned as Loki trying to keep himself under control; Jösur and Jora did the same thing when they were upset. “As I told you before the twins were born, I am still Asgard's prisoner. The children, however, are not - but they don't know that I am. They do not even know we are not married. They know nothing of our situation or how it came to be.”
Thor grasped a chair to have something to hold. “I don't want them knowing, not...”
“Of course you don't want the children knowing the truth. I'm certain Valdór would love to know that you essentially raped his mother to conceive him. I'm certain that the girls would just be delighted with the fact that you chose for them to be girls rather than letting the Norns decide.” His voice was icy. “I suppose that just leaves Jösur, and I wonder if his father remembers as well as his mother does how drunk you were was the night he was planted in my womb.”
“Loki...” This wasn't what Thor was expecting at all. It was as if the demure person the jotun had been for the past sixteen years was gone and he was once again facing the proud prince of Jotunheim. Which was exactly who Loki was. “You're right.” He lowered his head. “I just...”
“For fuck's sake, spit it out Thor!” He spat.
“I want to make this better and I don't know how! I didn't know how sixteen years ago!” He flinched thunder crashed outside. He took a breath before continuing. “And I was too damn proud to ask for help.”
“Finally, some truth.” The jotun moved to put his hands behind his back. “There really is no way to fix things now, Thor. Clearly you can see that.” He started to pace. “We cannot start over, we cannot wash the slate clean, as the saying goes. There are too many people involved.” He paused, a hint of a smile on his lips. “You do love your children. That is one of the things you have managed to do correctly.” He turned away. “However, you had to have known I would never leave my children. I thought for a while you would lose interest, or be drug into some political marriage and let me go; but it was not to be.” He went over to the window and Thor was reminded of that first night. “Here were are, sixteen years later, you're not married and I've borne you seven children like a good bitch.”
Thor closed the distance between them, but did not move to touch Loki. “You were the one who told me that we cannot change the past, we can only move forward. But I do not know how to move forward from this.”
“And you think I do?” Loki shook his head and turned to face him. “No, there are too many people involved and it's been too long. Things can't be set right, not completely.”
“Then what do we do?” He felt helpless. “Do you hate me?”
The jotun did not meet his gaze, not right away. “I cannot hate you without hating our children. I hate what you are and what you have done, not who you are.”
He frowned. “I do not understand.”
The jotun snorted. “Thick as ever. You are a man who loves and cares for his children, loves his realm and his subjects. I suppose on some level, you might love me, and what love I have for you mostly is from the children. Sometime before I was carrying Jora, I began to feel affection for you, perhaps it even was love on some level.” He sighed. “I didn't dream of you returning it. You seemed interested only in filling my belly up with your progeny.”
Thor flinched at the accuracy of his words. “Loki...”
“I wasn't finished.” He snapped. “It's a twisted form of love, I know that now. One born out of something false that I convinced myself was real. When Eir told me of the toll the pregnancies were having on my health, I was devastated. I thought that would be the thing that would make you leave. I didn't see just how twisted everything was.” He lifted his chin. “That last month of bed-rest cleared my head a little. Since then, things have become all the more apparent.”
“What do you want, Loki?” He swallowed. “Please, just tell me what you want.”
“Freedom.” He seethed. “I want to be able to return home and see my family, to quell whatever fears they have had about me these past sixteen years. See my people and how they are recovering from the war. I want the children to visit my homeland, that being part jotun isn't something to be ashamed of or kept hidden. Norns know that Jösur, Jora and Mággá carry the proof of their heritage on their skin.”
Thor took a breath. “I cannot allow you to take all the children with you to Jotunheim, especially not alone. You know this.”
“Of course I know that.” Loki started to pace across the room. “Perhaps just the four youngest. I'm not leaving Mággá and Hánna with wet nurse.”
He frowned, thinking. “Regardless of who goes, I must insist that you take a guard or two, and Orr.”
“I would expect you to suggest that.” He made a weak attempt at a laugh. “Nor should you worry about me packing up and leaving in the middle of the night. I know better than that.” He set a hand on the foot-board of the bed. “Time apart is something we both need, Thor. We can clear our minds. I will return and we move forward, with a bit more of a.... fresh perspective.”
He nodded slowly. “Arrangements will need to be made. If the council starts throwing around objections, I will just tell them to go fuck themselves.”
Loki let out a snort. “Considering the majority of that council are old men who couldn't get it up for Aphrodite, that's rather funny.”
Thor chuckled. “It also cannot be a long trip, you understand.”
“A fortnight is all I ask.” There was an odd tone in his voice, it was wistful - another timbre of jotun's voice he had not heard in what felt like forever.
“That I can give.” He hesitantly touched Loki's cheek. “And I will miss you and the children that go with you.”
“And we shall miss you.” He slipped into the familiar, passive and polite prisoner he had been an hour ago; now Thor could see it for the mask that it was.
He didn't like it.
*
There was a small crowd at the bi-frost. With all seven children, three guards, Orr, himself, four trunks, Thor and Heimdall, the observatory felt oddly crowded. Neither the council nor any of the nobles had put up much of a fuss of Loki and the four youngest children taking a furlough to Jotunheim that would last twenty-four days; it had been more than the prince had hoped for. The notion that tonight, he would be seeing his father and brothers again, he'd be gazing on the stars of his childhood, and for a few blissful weeks, he'd be free.
“Now, you three behave yourselves while I am gone.” Loki quickly placed kisses on each of his son's cheeks, and then on Thalia's. “We will be back before you know it.”
“I don't see why we can't all go.” Thalia looked crushed. “I want to go too.”
“I know, sweetheart.” He sighed and gave his eldest daughter another hug. “But someone has to stay here and keep your father in line since your grandmother is busy.”
“We'll get to go next time.” Jösur replied, giving him a half grin. “Right?”
“Right.” Loki responded, “Next time, you three will come and your sisters will stay. And some day, we will all go.”
Valdór nodded and then took his brother and sister by the hand. “I'll take care of them, maman.”
Loki smiled and kissed his son's forehead. “Good boy.” He stepped away from the trio as Thor, his face stained with tears, was handing Hánna back to Orr.
“I won't know them when you get back.” He murmured. “They'll be so big.”
Jora hugged her father's legs. “No they won't papa. I'll make sure they stay little!”
“You will be careful.” Thor untangled the girl and put her hand in Loki's. “Won't you?”
“Of course we will.” Loki gave the crown prince a smile. “And we will be back before you can even begin to miss us.” He picked up Leyla and put his arm around Jora as the observatory began to whirl.
*
Laufey stood silently in the doorway of his son's room, smiling at the sight within. His youngest was home; if only for one turn of Jotunheim's moon. For years he had feared that his son was dead; and given what he had been told, he wasn't certain if the fate that had awaited him in Asgard was better or worse than death. The crown prince had done the same thing all Asgardian royals did when they caught a jotun. They helped themselves to the fertile womb of their prisoner and sired an heir. What the Thunderer had done, however, was far worse than what his father and grandfather had done. Prince Thor had turned his proud son into a broodmare and gotten seven children from him.
Four of whom were now sleeping in their grandfather's fortress here on Jotunheim.
From where he was, Laufey could see into the wide cradle at the side of the bed, and the two girls sleeping within; one cream, one sapphire. Curled up in the furs on the bed itself were his son and two more girls; who looked so much like their dam; like their late grandmother.
Tomorrow, he and Loki would begin the long process of 'catching up' and planning for the future. He knew he could not keep his son or his granddaughters; but damned if he was going to be sending his clever sorcerer son back to Asgard without some sort of plan.
*
Valdór shook his brother's shoulder. “Jösur!” He didn't bother whispering. “Jösur, wake up!”
His brother groaned and rolled over, opening his eyes slightly. “It's the middle of the night, Val, what is it?”He frowned. “Something didn't happen on Jotunheim, did it?”
He gulped and shook his head. “No. It's....Grandfather is dead.” He didn't know how else to say it and wasn't surprised when his brother sat up, staring at him.
“What?”
“He's gone.” Valdór sat down on his brother's bed, gulping. “I.... Papa is king now.”
Jösur rubbed at his eyes, trying to wake up. “Does Thalia know yet?”
“I don't think so...” He gulped. “I... I was told to come and tell you, then go see her.”
“We'll both go.” He fumbled for his robe and got out of bed, stuffing his feet into his slippers. “Do you think Mama and the others will come back now? It's only been a day.”
“I don't know.” Valdór frowned. “C'mon let's go get Tia.”