Fic: My Nina
Title:
Rating:R
Characters: Girl!Dean, Gabriel, Castiel
Warnings: Character death, violence, non-graphic sex
Summary: A prompt found on spnkink_meme: Sam said yes to Lucifer - and for a time, failed to gain control. When he finally did, all he knew was that Castiel had been slaughtered by his hand for his sister Deanna's failure to take her part in the Apocalypse and he threw himself into the Pit to save the life of his sister - and her unborn child. Gabriel found a distraught Winchester and decided the best thing was to care for her - he owed it to the girl for knocking some sense into him after a trip to TV Land. A group of hunters who didn't get the memo that the world wasn't ending decided to take their anger out on Deanna - and caused her to miscarry.
That was one month ago - now Gabriel has a broken former hunter, the aftermath of a failed Apocalypse and his own conflicting feelings towards Deanna to deal with.
Deanna Winchester pulled the coverlet over her head, shutting out the sunlight filtering through the windows. By rights, she should be celebrating - and yet, she felt like doing nothing of the sort. Sam was gone - he'd seized control of his body for one shining moment - and thrown himself into the pit. As much as Deanna hated to think of what was happening to her brother in the cage - she knew all to well what sort of place that was, Sam had said he accepted it. That it was his burden to bear - and above all, she was not to try and get him back. The Apocalypse was over and to her, it still felt like the world was ending.
She didn't move when she heard the door of her room creak open and something was set on the table next to the bed. The mattress shifted as someone sat down and a hand started to rub her back, slowly. “You need to eat.”
“I'm not hungry, Gabriel.” What was the point in eating? What was the point of doing anything, anymore?
The archangel sighed. “It would do you some good, Deanna.”
She turned over and flipped the blanket down to uncover her face. “I just - I just don't...”
“Cas would want you to eat something.” He saw the resigned look on the young woman's face and helped her sit up. He picked the tray up and put it over her lap. “You don't have to eat all of it. Just a little.”
Deanna looked down at the fried eggs, bacon, toast and fruit salad. “Thank you.” She picked up the toast and started to nibble at it. Her stomach grumbled in welcome and she took a bigger bite.
Gabriel gave her an encouraging smile. “You're welcome.” He turned his attention towards the window. “The rain's finally stopped.” He watched her move onto eating a few bites of egg. He knew better than to ask her how she was feeling. Too much had happened in the past month and honestly, he didn't know if the girl would ever be good again. Her physical wounds he could heal - the ones on her soul and heart, however - those would take time. “I'm guessing you want to spend today in bed again?”
“I - I just haven't felt like getting up.” She snapped a piece of bacon in half, setting part of it down before eating the other. “Suppose I should at least... get a bath, change clothes...”
“Few steps at a time.” Gabriel nodded reassuringly. “That's the way.” He didn't mind taking care of the girl - he was actually rather enjoying it - though he wished the circumstances could have been different. He watched her put the fork down, and he knew she wasn't going to eat much more. “You want me to run the bath for you?”
“You don't need to fuss over me, Gabriel. I'm sure you have more important things to be doing than taking care of a pathetic hunter who couldn't keep her shit together.”
“Deanna - “ His voice turned stern, causing her to look at him, a touch of fear in her eyes. “I never, never want you to call yourself pathetic again. You're not pathetic. You've had a lot of shit thrown at you in the past year and you have done better than most angels have. You're still here, you're still living.”
She slid a hand along her wrist, her face looking crestfallen. “I - I tried...”
“I know you did.” Gabriel still hadn't shaken the image of seeing Deanna lying on the floor, bleeding from both wrists - her face ashen. That had been five months ago - when Lucifer had killed Castiel. Two months later, Sam had seized control for that one moment - and things should have gone on, gotten better. Then that group of hunters, who hadn't gotten the memo that the Apocalypse was over and it was time to rebuild - had run into Deanna a month ago. To this day, Gabriel wasn't sure which was worse - finding the girl bleeding from her wrists, or lying on the floor of what was supposed to be a safe house, her jeans soaked in blood and her stomach covered in bruises in the shape of combat boots.
He set a hand on her cheek and stood up from the bed. “I'm going to run that bath for you.”
“Thanks.” She gave him another weak smile and picked up the remains of the bacon slice.
*
Deanna dropped her pajamas onto the floor of the bathroom, the heady scent of milk, honey and lavender from the bubble-bath wafting towards her. The room was still steamy and as she freed her hair from the scrunchie it'd been in for - she wasn't sure how long - she involuntarily set her hand on her stomach, looking down at it. The bruises had almost faded and she shuddered before lowering herself into the hot, welcoming water. As she sank up to her chin, the bubbles tickling her cheeks, she swallowed and braced herself to keep from crying.
Seven months - she should be seven months pregnant with Castiel's baby - instead, there was just emptiness.
Those hunters had murdered the baby when they attacked her and she couldn't... she'd tried... She grasped the sides of the tub, willing herself to calm down and try and remember the better part, before she knew about the baby, before things had turned into pure terror.
She closed her eyes, remembering the first time she and Castiel had made love. It'd been in that abandoned house before the two of them had confronted Raphael. The angel's touch had been so hesitant, so unsure - like she had been something delicate that would shatter. So she had encouraged him - taught him what to do, the same way she had taught him about humanity - when the angel had finally let go, Deanna hadn't been surprised at the look on Cas's face. That wonderful, spent expression of pure disbelief that there was such a strong feeling in the world.
After the confrontation with Raphael, the chance to be together were actually few - and, much to her chagrin, hurried and frantic. Until the last time - after the battle with Famine. While Sam had slept off the demon blood in the panic room, she and Castiel had been upstairs, unknowingly creating a child who would never see the light of day. Even now, she could hear the angel's voice whispering against her ear. You are not empty. You are not weak. I love you.
Deanna didn't even know she was crying until she felt a sponge wiping her face. “I - sorry.”
Gabriel shook his head and went back to gently washing her face. “Don't be.” He rested his forehead against hers. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I just... I...” She rested her head on his shoulder, her face pressed against his neck. For some reason, she was surprised at the scent - it was woodsy and reminded her of snow. A tiny, blubbery giggle escaped her lips.
Gabriel smoothed the side of her face, frowning. “What's so funny?”
“You.” She pulled away, her giggle a little more certain. “I.. I shouldn't...”
“What about me?” Gabriel leaned against the side of the tub, still holding the sponge.
“I'd have thought you would have smelled like chocolate. You don't.” She covered her mouth, her shoulders starting to shake as she tried to control her mirth.
“Oh, you...” He dropped the sponge he was holding into the water, splashing her with bubbles, which made her giggle become a full blown laugh. It was a wonderful sound. He reached over and pushed the bubbles off the top of her head. “Well - sorry to disappoint you.”
“No, no - it's okay.” She picked up the sponge and brushed more suds away. “You smell like winter.”
“Winter, huh?” He splashed her slightly, drawing more giggles. “Guess there's worse things.”
Deanna shook the water from her eyes, returning Gabriel's splash with one of her own, smearing a line of bubbles down the archangel's nose. “This is - I...” She suddenly realized what she was doing and, instead of sinking down to her chin, slipped slightly and dunked herself. As she came back up, spluttering, she could see Gabriel's concerned face. “That was stupid of me.”
“No, it wasn't.” He wiped the suds off his forehead. “It's good to hear you laugh.”
She swallowed a few times and then smiled weakly, resting her head on her knees. “You're just being sweet.”
He retrieved the sponge and started to clean the suds from her hair. “Well, you are the one who made me see reason. So call it a very poor attempt at trying to pay to you back.”
She closed her eyes as he worked on cleaning her up. “I'm such a mess.”
“I think we're all a little messed up.” He let his fingers linger at the back of her neck, noting that here, there were small wispy curls that he had never noticed before - and he'd seen Deanna with her hair up lots of times. “No one is perfect.” What happened next - Gabriel wasn't sure if it was intentional or not, he didn't know - nor, upon later reflection, did he entirely care. The young woman turned her head quickly to look at him and in that brief second, their lips touched. He pulled back, his mind screaming at him that this was wrong, but he let his hand slip onto the side of her face and kiss her again, softly.
Deanna let the kiss end, her face looking weak. “I...”
“Don't start with that again.” Gabriel stood to get a towel and was actually surprised that she'd stood up in the tub, not even waiting for him to leave the room. “Or were you going to say something else?” He wrapped the towel around her torso and turned her around.
“I don't know how I feel. I - I did enjoy it but yet...”
He set his forehead against hers, taking a deep breath. “I know.” He hated the fact that since Castiel died and he started taking care of Deanna for him - he felt he owed it to his little brother - he'd started thinking things that made him feel horrible. He knew how fragile the girl was - and he had somehow come to fill a gap in her life of brother and friend - something she so desperately needed. He embraced her, resting his cheek on the top of her head. “I suppose I should be the one saying I'm sorry.”
“No, no it's okay.” She slipped her arms around his waist, sighing deeply. “I've been - well...”
“You're allowed.” He felt her shift slightly. “You want me to go so you can get dressed?”
She shook her head. “I'm good.”
Gabriel lifted her chin, swallowing and then pressed his lips back against hers, still feeling uncertain. He didn't want to force anything, if she pulled away, if she did anything that even hinted he'd overstepped, he would back away and do his best to put this out of his mind. Hesitantly, he slipped the tip of his tongue against the seam of her lips, softly seeking - wondering - and then he felt the girl's mouth open under his to let him inside. The kiss was more confused than anything, Deanna's tongue moving with his as if she'd somehow forgotten to kiss in this fashion. He pulled away, smiling at her short, quick breaths. “More?”
It was like something inside of her unlocked and Deanna had to keep herself from moving to quickly. She nodded. “Please.” She didn't hesitate when his lips met hers this time, her mouth slanting open to accept his. She felt his hand slide to the back of her head, holding her as he kissed her, nipping at her bottom lip with his teeth. He may not have smelled of chocolate - but his mouth tasted of it. Rich, deep, dark and wonderfully sweet. She felt his hand slide down to rest on her hip and she didn't pull away, but tightened her grip on the back of his shirt.
Gabriel lifted her from the floor and carried her from the bathroom and into the bedroom, laying her down, finally pulling his lips from hers. “Do you want me to stop?”
Deanna shook her head. “No. Please...” Her hand slid into his hair, desperate to pull him back into another kiss.
The archangel didn't want to refuse her. He knew that whatever feelings there were between the two of them at the moment - deep down, he knew they both needed each other. He set his lips against hers, giving her a whisper of a kiss. “I just want you to be certain, Deanna - absolutely certain.” His hand went to where the towel was closed.
“I just... I think...” A hurt look came to her face. “I want...”
Gabriel gave her another soft kiss. “I know.” He undid the towel, pulling it open. He looked down at her, noting the changes in her body since the last time he'd seen her - on that horrible night. She'd lost all of her pregnancy weight - more or less withered from her body by depression and her reluctance to eat. The bruises were nearly gone and he set a hand on her breast, brushing it softly. “If you want me to stop at any time, tell me and I will.”
Deanna's hand slid down to the front of his shirt, fumbling with the buttons. “I need...” She kissed him swiftly. “I want to feel alive again.”
Gabriel tugged the towel off of the bed and solved the problem of his own clothes by removing them with a thought and shifted to kiss her neck. “You are alive, Deanna - you just need to wake up.” He moved his lips lower, his tongue sliding down from her neck to the hollow of her throat. “You smell like honey.” He laved at her breast, loving her gasp of shock. “And I love honey.”
She let out a breathy laugh as she felt his hips gently nudge her thighs apart, his mouth still exploring her skin. “Please...”
“Don't want to rush.” He slid his hands down to her hips. “Don't want to hurt you.” He shifted so they were forehead to forehead.
Deanna wrapped her arms around his shoulders, lifting her hips upwards, seeking him. “Some other time...please..”
Gabriel slipped his hand between them, taking hold of his cock, guiding it towards her, rubbing the head against her lips. He was actually surprised to find her wet and ready for him. “Deanna...” He whispered against her temple before sliding himself inside of her. She arched her hips upward to meet him, welcoming him into her body as they sank back towards the mattress as one. “So sweet...”
Deanna's head fell back as they moved against each other, the feeling of desire and long lost warmth flooding through her. She groaned softly. “Gabriel... please...”
“Don't beg.” He whispered as he thrust into her, drawing each stroke out to savor every second and touch. “Despite what you may think, I don't like to rush these things.”
She laughed softly as he kept moving against her, filling her full. “Not... it's good...” She tugged absently at his hair, her other arm holding onto him. “Wonderful.”
Gabriel kissed her neck as he pumped against her, his hips meeting hers. His hands slipped under her shoulders, holding onto her as they moved against one another. He groaned as pleasure washed over him, causing him to shiver slightly. The hate he'd had for feeling this way was rapidly falling away as he rolled them over until he was on his back so he could thrust deeper into the woman.
Deanna whimpered slightly - Gabriel was driving her mad, getting her all the way to the edge only to pull her back down and into the heat of building towards what she so desperately needed. She could feel one of the angel's hands resting against her rear as he thrust into her, moaning loudly. She tightened her grip on him, her hips moving in time with his, urging him on. And then, in an instant, her orgasm slammed into her almost without warning. She shuddered as she felt the angel come beneath her, groaning as he did, pulling her down to rest against him, his hands slipping into her still damp hair.
Gabriel took a few deep breaths as he smoothed down her hair, swallowing. A moment later, he felt Deanna turn and rest her head against his chest. He had already known she was a snuggler. He rested his arm around her back, his hand rubbing her upper arm. He resisted the urge to speak - he couldn't really think of what to say anyway - he listened as Deanna's breathing slowly returned to normal and, a moment later, he felt a soft warm tear hit his chest as it escaped from her cheek. He closed his eyes and tightened his embrace.
He knew full well why she was crying. He brushed away the next tear before it could fall. They would just have to take all of this one step at a time, like he had told her.
*
Getting back into hunting was almost out of the question. Deanna couldn't see the point anymore - and honestly, given her last encounter with hunters, it seemed pointless. The safe house where she was now staying had been done up with a lot of things courtesy of Gabriel - it was comfortable and clean. And she was actually glad to come out of her room - after spending nearly a month there - to find that the door across the hall seemed to have faded into the wall. The room beyond was where the nursery had been.
She didn't know what she was going to do with her life now, since hunting was not an option and she had very few skills to offer otherwise. Mechanic or bartender was pretty much all she was qualified for. She tucked herself into one of the large easy chairs in the front room, her gaze fixed outside.
“Well, look who's up and a about this morning.” Gabriel came into the room from the kitchen, carrying two mugs of coffee.
“Hey.” She took the offered mug and turned her attention to him. “I... I haven't thanked you for - taking care of me while I was...”
He held up a hand to silence her. “I know, Dee. I know - I just wish...” He sat down on the sofa across from her, holding his mug in both hands.
“I guess I should have gotten out of bed sooner.” She turned back towards the window. “It's September, isn't it?”
“Yes - though it feels like August.” Gabriel took a drink of coffee. “I didn't want to rush you into anything.”
“Yeah.” She smiled faintly. “I've just - I just have no idea what to do now. Can't hunt - can't do much of anything, really.”
The angel let out a low breath. “I haven't felt like doing much myself either.” He sighed. “There's so much land around here.”
“What, you want to take up farming?” She smirked over her mug.
“No - but still... it's quiet.”
“I like quiet.” She leaned back in her seat. “What, you want to open up a riding stable, or something?”
The archangel laughed. “Now there's something I hadn't thought of.”
She glanced at him. “I was joking.”
“It's a good idea, don't you like horses?” He smirked. “I thought all girls liked horses.”
She took another sip of coffee. “I don't know that much about them, really.”
“Well, okay - so we forget the horses and get a dog or two and just...” He sighed. “I don't know.”
“You have any pagan friends who don't eat humans?”
Gabriel started at the question. “A few, why?”
“Well...” She turned to look at him. “We could have some kind of - I don't know, Adventure Woods thing or something - and they could come and help.”
“What the heck is that? Adventure Woods?” Gabriel frowned.
“Only the last great field trip I ever took.” She lowered her mug to the table next to her. “It's like - there's all these physical challenges you have to do as a team. It's supposed to help in building team work and then there's the individual challenges like rappelling and....”
The angel slowly smiled. “Well, we could look into something like that.” He stood up and went over to kiss the top of her head. “Right now, you work on getting back to - “ he stopped himself from saying 'normal.'
“I know what you mean.” She smiled and rested her hands on her legs. “One day at a time, right?”
“Right.” He set a hand against her cheek, but pulled away before he could kiss her again.
*
Deanna tied the bandanna at the base of her neck and stood arms akimbo, debating where to start. At her feet was a bucket, several clean cloths and a bottle of Turtle Wax. In front of her, looking as dull and forlorn as she felt, was the Impala. “Well, since fixing you has always gone a long way on helping me feel better...” She picked up a rag and bottle of wax and walked over to the car. “let's get you gleaming again.” She upended the bottle and got to work. Starting with the hood, she hummed along with the radio as she worked.
Gabriel had come outside when he'd awoken in the house and found the Winchester's bed empty. He had almost been in a panic when he heard the Impala's engine roar, but now he found that the young woman had only backed the car out of the garage and into a clear patch of gravel drive where it wouldn't be shadowed by a tree. The sound of music wafted around him as he stood in the drive, watching Deanna work on her car. An outside observer might make the comment that she was far to pale, far to wan to be doing such strenuous work. Gabriel, however - saw beyond that. For the first time in a while, she had an honest smile on her face that he doubted she knew was there. He took a few steps closer, his hands in his pockets. “It's still pretty warm out.”
Deanna looked up, shaking her head. “It's September, isn't that kind of a given?”
“True, but it'd probably be better for you to do this when it cools off.” He rocked on the balls of his feet. “Though - “
“Well, it's been a while since I did this, so I figured I should do it when I felt like it, rather than waiting for the right time.” She shrugged and rubbed at a particularly stubborn patch.
“I understand that.” Gabriel was actually rather amazed that Deanna had gotten out of bed, gotten dressed and gone outside to really give her too much trouble about waxing a car in the hot summer afternoon. “Sleep well?”
“Pretty well.” She shrugged and rubbed at the roof of the Impala. “I mean, at least it was dreamless.”
“Yeah.” The archangel ran a hand through his hair, a little lost for conversation. “Well, if you're going to work out here, I should do something too - mow the lawn, or what have you.”
Deanna snorted. “Like that's going to take you any longer than five minutes?”
Gabriel pulled a very convincing disgruntled look. “I can take my time with things, Chuckle-head.” He went back into the garage and returned with a pair of clippers and some gardening gloves. “Very well, I'll do it the hard way.”
“Gabriel...” She dropped the rag she was holding into a bucket and followed him up into the backyard, noting that the grass had cut itself just by the angel passing. When she got to the top of the small rise, she watched as the angel went over to the long fence that bordered the large field behind the house and in a moment, had vanished into the long stalks of weeds. “Gabe!” She ran to the fence, stopping under a massive oak tree.
“I'll be back in a minute.” He called back to her, still unseen. “There's something I want to get out of here.”
She nodded and turned back towards the house and that was when she caught sight of the two rosebushes planted under the tree. Both of them were flourishing - one with white roses and the other a strange pale blue - a sort of rose she'd never seen before. Deanna saw that set behind the two plants, there was a wrought-iron bench that looked, despite what it was made from, looked comfortable. She frowned and then turned as she heard Gabriel come out of the field, carrying several stalks of sunflowers. “What... I don't remember these being here.”
The archangel shook his head. “I planted those a few weeks ago.”
Deanna frowned for a moment and then she understood. The rosebushes were grave markers. “Thank you.”
He headed back across the yard and she followed next to him. “You're welcome. Although...” He didn't have to finish the sentence for her to know what he wanted to say. He indicated the flowers. “I think we could use something bright in the kitchen.”
They parted in the drive and she went back to waxing the Impala while Gabriel went inside. As she picked up the cloth and bottle to start again, she glanced back at the two rosebushes, swaying slightly in the gentle breeze. Deanna let a small smile creep onto her face. In her heart she knew that wherever it was that angels went when they died - some locked, private part of Heaven or something - wherever Cas was, their little boy was with him.
*
Deanna was dreaming. She knew she was dreaming because she was one of the last people to ever lie around in a field, staring up at the sky like she didn't have a care in the world. She was surrounded by bluebells and pale white flowers that had a strong scent - gardenias - and the ground was far to even and comfortable for it to be real.
“It's sort of real.” A voice said from above her and she sat up.
“Cas?” She blinked, not wanting to believe her eyes. He was sitting right there, perfectly whole and healthy - a massive pair of brown-black wings protruding from his back - as if they had only seen each other this morning. “I -”
The angel smiled and set his fingers against her cheek, frowning slightly. “You've been sick.”
“Yeah.” She hugged her knees, feeling ashamed.
The angel moved closer and wrapped his arms - and one wing - around her, holding her against him. “I am sorry that I had to leave you. I should have - should have known that it was a trap.”
“It's - I miss you.” She hid her eyes. “It's all my fault.”
“No.” He took her face in his hands, brushing her cheekbones with his thumbs. “It is not your fault, Deanna. If it meant giving you a chance to live, I would gladly give my life for you again.”
“But... I...” She couldn't even bring herself to say the rest.
“What happened to our son wasn't your fault either. Those hunters violated your trust and have, as I understand it, been severely punished.” He kissed her forehead. “I know how hard you fought for him. It is not your fault you were outnumbered.”
“I... is he okay?” She swallowed, feeling the tears slipping down her cheeks.
“He is well. He is not here at the moment. I believe he is off chasing butterflies.” He smiled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “We both miss you, of course - but we are at the end of the path, while you are still upon it.”
“I wish I was with you.”
“I am glad you still live, Deanna.” He rested his forehead against hers. “I suppose you are aware that my brother is in love with you.”
“Gabriel?” Deanna felt herself flush.
“Which other brother of mine do you know so well? I know what he has done for you and for that I am grateful. You two need each other - even if neither of you will admit it yet.”
“I... I love you, Cas.”
“I know you do.” The angel looked pained and lifted her chin. “But you have to let me go. I want you to live your life...” He held his hand up when she started to interrupt. “You must go on - I know how you feel about him.”
“I feel like it - it's too soon, or something...”
“Gabriel has been taking care of you for almost the past year - what he could heal, he has. What is left is up to you. He has his own unhealed wounds - this war was just as hard for him as it was for you. And that is why the two of you need one another.”
“I - don't... I'm...”
“You're allowed to be afraid.” He held her close against him, pulling her into his lap. “I was afraid when I started to fall - and you were there for me. Taught me things I couldn't imagine existing. I regret nothing that happened between us - but now, now you must go on with your life.”
“I...” She let out a breath. “It's hard, Cas.”
“It's supposed to be.” He brushed her cheek with his thumb. “You just have to live, Deanna. That's all I am asking.”
“One foot in front of the other.” She gave him a very weak grin. “Just like always.”
“Yes.” He kissed her forehead. “And try and be happy.”
When Deanna awoke, although her cheeks were wet with tears, she felt an odd sort of peace in her heart. She turned in the bed to find Gabriel snoozing in the chair next to it. She smiled at him, stuffed her pillow under her chin and went back to sleep, not certain how she was going to go forward - but each step forward was a movement back to herself.
*
Gabriel knew how fragile the relationship he and Deanna was. They had only had sex once - and that had been several weeks ago. He wasn't going to be the one to bring it up - most nights all the young woman wanted was for him to hold her until she fell asleep - and really? If that's all they ever did? He would be grateful. It was October and over the last few months, he had seen the change that came over her. The gaunt look was gone and she regained some, but not all of her muscle. They had left the house a few times, but never for very long. There were a few too many people causing trouble in the next town over for his liking - and well, he felt it was safer to take Deanna with him than to leave her here, despite all the wards and protective measures.
He was about to get up from the bed when the young woman's hand grasped onto his shirt, snuggling closer to him. He set an arm around her, closing his eyes. “And here I thought you were asleep.”
“Not too sleepy.” She let go of his shirt. “Sorry...”
“Don't be.” He moved so he was lying down on the bed, holding her again. “You can be such a snuggle-puss.”
“That a problem?”
“No.” Gabriel rubbed the small of her back. “You feel like getting out of the house for a while?”
“Now?” She gave him a confused look.
“No, not now... tomorrow, or in a few days.”
“Where were you thinking of going?” She settled down against him.
“Next town - need to - well...”
“I see.” Deanna slowly smiled. “What, you want me to play the supposedly investigating FBI agent?”
The archangel let a grin spread across his face. “Double agent?”
“That could be... fun.” She sighed. “You're not going to kill anyone, are you?”
“Only the guy who's getting away with beating his kids.” Gabriel felt her stiffen. “I might let you help with him.”
“I'll hand you the knives.” Her voice was soft - a sure sign to the angel of how pissed she was.
“Who said anything about knives? I was thinking more along the line of... vegetable peelers.”
*
Deanna straightened her shoulders as she checked herself in the highly polished sheen of the Impala, adjusting the fitted jacket she was wearing. “Just have to keep my head in the game and act like I don't know Gabriel.” She took a deep breath, turned from the car and headed up the stairs of the building of the high school, her heels clicking against the pavement. She kept her tone even as she came to the front desk and flashed her FBI badge at the secretary. “Agent Morrison, I spoke to you on the phone?”
The gray haired woman adjusted her glasses and smiled at her. “Yes.” She started to sort through some files. “One moment please.”
“Take your time, ma'am.” Deanna rested her arm on the counter, watching out of the corner of her eye as Gabriel came past her, pushing a janitorial cart. He gave her the tiniest of nods as he did and had she not been looking at him, would have missed the wink he gave her.
“Yes, here we are... Coach McPhee's file...” The secretary brought Deanna back to reality and she turned to look at the woman again. She looked almost like she was fighting an internal battle. As she handed the folder to her, the secretary set her hand on her wrist. “I know one shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but that man...” She made a face. “Was a complete pig.”
Deanna arched an eyebrow. “Is that in the normal way or something worse?”
The woman's eyes glinted. “Worse. I'm actually....” She suddenly looked abashed and sat back down. “But the circumstances...” She frowned. “Odd... the animal control people didn't hurt the tiger, did they?”
“No ma'am.” Deanna managed a weak look. “They sedated him and got him back into his cage. They're keeping him under observation, but he is, for the most part, unharmed.” She sighed. “And as he's an endangered species, they can't terminate him. Not to mention the animal rights groups are all over this already.”
“Is that your headache?”
“Thankfully not.” She indicated the file. “This is my copy, correct?”
“Yes.” She smiled. “Any questions, you have the number.”
“Thank you.” Deanna tucked the file into her briefcase and left.
*
The temporary home that Gabriel had 'created' for them was in a loft apartment over an empty store. Deanna came back to the strong smell of sugar and baked goods and shook her head. Somehow, meting out justice made him crave sugar twice as much. Right now, the whole place smelled strongly of doughnuts and her stomach gave a low grumble. “If those taste as good as they smell, maybe we should just open up a bakery downstairs.”
“When are you going to learn that everything I fry, bake or cook in general is going to be good?” Gabriel replied as she came into the kitchen. “As for opening a bakery, I'll put it on the list of things we might do.” He glanced up from the sink where he was washing his hands. “Any leads?”
“As a matter of fact, yes.” She slid onto a bar stool, smoothing down her skirt.
The angel dried his hands and came over to her, shaking his head. “Feel like sharing with the rest of the class?”
“I think either people in this town are hallucinating or there's a serious case of don't touch whatever this is and turn around and pretend like you didn't see anything.” She toed off her heels. “How was your day?”
“Boring, for the most part.” He leaned casually against the counter. “Though I did see something I liked today.”
“A candy store where everything was marked seventy percent off?”
Gabriel laughed. “No, but that would be nice.” He turned to look at her. “What caught my eye was someone pretending to be an FBI agent.”
“Really?” She grinned. “That's funny, because I saw an angel pretending to be a janitor.” She took off her earrings and set them on the counter. “What are we doing?”
“Giving out just desserts.” He touched her cheek for a moment before heading back to check on their dinner. “I thought I explained this...”
“Not that. I meant us. What are we doing, or am I the only one who's been looking at the elephant in the room?”
Gabriel turned the oven off and slowly raised his head. “No. I just didn't want to mention it because...”
“Oh for crying out loud, I'm not a little girl, Gabriel.” She turned around and faced him. “You think this is easy for me? It's not like I have any idea how to explain what I want, because I have no idea what you want, because all of you angels are thick as lead when it comes to emotions at times!”
He took a deep breath. “It's...”
“If you say it's complicated, I will throw something at you.” Deanna growled. “If you just want to be friends and nothing more, than say so damn it!”
“I don't want to be just friends, Deanna.” Gabriel straightened his shoulders. “I don't think that's possible for us to just be friends. There's... a little too much history.” He tapped his fingers against the stove. “Are you hungry?”
“Is that a lame attempt at changing the subject?”
“No.” He let out a breath. “I'm just wanting to know if you want to eat right away or not.”
“I can wait.” She stood up and went around the island to stand next to him. “I had a late lunch.” Deanna leaned over and kissed Gabriel softly. “Did you want to eat?”
He returned the kiss, almost laughing when she pulled back so he had to chase her lips. “I don't need to eat, so it makes no difference to me.” He wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her against him. “Now hold still so I can kiss you properly.” He pressed his mouth against hers, sliding his tongue inside, gently exploring, feeling her tongue brush against his, the faint taste of vanilla milkshake was still there. He pulled away for a moment to suck on her bottom lip, smiling before closing his mouth over hers again.
Deanna had wrapped her arms around Gabriel's shoulders, almost melting into the kiss. It was better than the time he had kissed her in the bathtub - she was more awake, more alert - and now, more alive. She pulled away from him long enough to set her lips against his ear, breathing fast as she felt his slide to her neck. “Have I ever told you how much I love to have midnight snacks?”
He chuckled. “What does that have to do with what we're doing right now?” He slid his hand to her waist and slipped it under the hem of her blouse.
“I'm saying I don't want any dinner.” She traced the shell of his ear with her tongue. “That is, unless you want it.”
“One thing I want right now.” He started unfastening the buttons of her shirt. “And that's you.”
Deanna nuzzled against him. “Here?”
“No.” He shifted them from standing in the kitchen to lying on the bed on the far side of the loft. “Here.” Gabriel chuckled to himself. “One of these days I'm going to manage to do that so we keep our clothes on.”
She laughed in response and pulled him down to her, her voice husky. “I'll let you practice as often as you want.”
“Aren't you sweet?” He kissed her softly, his hand settling on her breast.
“Well, I know how much you love sweet things - so I guess I better not change.” Her laugh was cut off as he deepened the kiss, his hands starting to roam against her skin. She slid of her hands into his hair, tilting her head back to give him better access to her as the other one came to rest on his shoulder.
“I wouldn't dream of asking you to change, Nina - ever.”
“Nina?” She laughed softly. “What's that supposed to be?
He leaned up on his hands and kissed her nose. “Well, you're no Annie and too many people call you Dee - and no way am I calling you Anna - so to me, you're Nina.” He grinned. “That okay with you?”
“Are you going to shut up and get back to kissing me?”
Gabriel laughed and complied with her request - and a lot more.
Rating:R
Characters: Girl!Dean, Gabriel, Castiel
Warnings: Character death, violence, non-graphic sex
Summary: A prompt found on spnkink_meme: Sam said yes to Lucifer - and for a time, failed to gain control. When he finally did, all he knew was that Castiel had been slaughtered by his hand for his sister Deanna's failure to take her part in the Apocalypse and he threw himself into the Pit to save the life of his sister - and her unborn child. Gabriel found a distraught Winchester and decided the best thing was to care for her - he owed it to the girl for knocking some sense into him after a trip to TV Land. A group of hunters who didn't get the memo that the world wasn't ending decided to take their anger out on Deanna - and caused her to miscarry.
That was one month ago - now Gabriel has a broken former hunter, the aftermath of a failed Apocalypse and his own conflicting feelings towards Deanna to deal with.
Deanna Winchester pulled the coverlet over her head, shutting out the sunlight filtering through the windows. By rights, she should be celebrating - and yet, she felt like doing nothing of the sort. Sam was gone - he'd seized control of his body for one shining moment - and thrown himself into the pit. As much as Deanna hated to think of what was happening to her brother in the cage - she knew all to well what sort of place that was, Sam had said he accepted it. That it was his burden to bear - and above all, she was not to try and get him back. The Apocalypse was over and to her, it still felt like the world was ending.
She didn't move when she heard the door of her room creak open and something was set on the table next to the bed. The mattress shifted as someone sat down and a hand started to rub her back, slowly. “You need to eat.”
“I'm not hungry, Gabriel.” What was the point in eating? What was the point of doing anything, anymore?
The archangel sighed. “It would do you some good, Deanna.”
She turned over and flipped the blanket down to uncover her face. “I just - I just don't...”
“Cas would want you to eat something.” He saw the resigned look on the young woman's face and helped her sit up. He picked the tray up and put it over her lap. “You don't have to eat all of it. Just a little.”
Deanna looked down at the fried eggs, bacon, toast and fruit salad. “Thank you.” She picked up the toast and started to nibble at it. Her stomach grumbled in welcome and she took a bigger bite.
Gabriel gave her an encouraging smile. “You're welcome.” He turned his attention towards the window. “The rain's finally stopped.” He watched her move onto eating a few bites of egg. He knew better than to ask her how she was feeling. Too much had happened in the past month and honestly, he didn't know if the girl would ever be good again. Her physical wounds he could heal - the ones on her soul and heart, however - those would take time. “I'm guessing you want to spend today in bed again?”
“I - I just haven't felt like getting up.” She snapped a piece of bacon in half, setting part of it down before eating the other. “Suppose I should at least... get a bath, change clothes...”
“Few steps at a time.” Gabriel nodded reassuringly. “That's the way.” He didn't mind taking care of the girl - he was actually rather enjoying it - though he wished the circumstances could have been different. He watched her put the fork down, and he knew she wasn't going to eat much more. “You want me to run the bath for you?”
“You don't need to fuss over me, Gabriel. I'm sure you have more important things to be doing than taking care of a pathetic hunter who couldn't keep her shit together.”
“Deanna - “ His voice turned stern, causing her to look at him, a touch of fear in her eyes. “I never, never want you to call yourself pathetic again. You're not pathetic. You've had a lot of shit thrown at you in the past year and you have done better than most angels have. You're still here, you're still living.”
She slid a hand along her wrist, her face looking crestfallen. “I - I tried...”
“I know you did.” Gabriel still hadn't shaken the image of seeing Deanna lying on the floor, bleeding from both wrists - her face ashen. That had been five months ago - when Lucifer had killed Castiel. Two months later, Sam had seized control for that one moment - and things should have gone on, gotten better. Then that group of hunters, who hadn't gotten the memo that the Apocalypse was over and it was time to rebuild - had run into Deanna a month ago. To this day, Gabriel wasn't sure which was worse - finding the girl bleeding from her wrists, or lying on the floor of what was supposed to be a safe house, her jeans soaked in blood and her stomach covered in bruises in the shape of combat boots.
He set a hand on her cheek and stood up from the bed. “I'm going to run that bath for you.”
“Thanks.” She gave him another weak smile and picked up the remains of the bacon slice.
*
Deanna dropped her pajamas onto the floor of the bathroom, the heady scent of milk, honey and lavender from the bubble-bath wafting towards her. The room was still steamy and as she freed her hair from the scrunchie it'd been in for - she wasn't sure how long - she involuntarily set her hand on her stomach, looking down at it. The bruises had almost faded and she shuddered before lowering herself into the hot, welcoming water. As she sank up to her chin, the bubbles tickling her cheeks, she swallowed and braced herself to keep from crying.
Seven months - she should be seven months pregnant with Castiel's baby - instead, there was just emptiness.
Those hunters had murdered the baby when they attacked her and she couldn't... she'd tried... She grasped the sides of the tub, willing herself to calm down and try and remember the better part, before she knew about the baby, before things had turned into pure terror.
She closed her eyes, remembering the first time she and Castiel had made love. It'd been in that abandoned house before the two of them had confronted Raphael. The angel's touch had been so hesitant, so unsure - like she had been something delicate that would shatter. So she had encouraged him - taught him what to do, the same way she had taught him about humanity - when the angel had finally let go, Deanna hadn't been surprised at the look on Cas's face. That wonderful, spent expression of pure disbelief that there was such a strong feeling in the world.
After the confrontation with Raphael, the chance to be together were actually few - and, much to her chagrin, hurried and frantic. Until the last time - after the battle with Famine. While Sam had slept off the demon blood in the panic room, she and Castiel had been upstairs, unknowingly creating a child who would never see the light of day. Even now, she could hear the angel's voice whispering against her ear. You are not empty. You are not weak. I love you.
Deanna didn't even know she was crying until she felt a sponge wiping her face. “I - sorry.”
Gabriel shook his head and went back to gently washing her face. “Don't be.” He rested his forehead against hers. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I just... I...” She rested her head on his shoulder, her face pressed against his neck. For some reason, she was surprised at the scent - it was woodsy and reminded her of snow. A tiny, blubbery giggle escaped her lips.
Gabriel smoothed the side of her face, frowning. “What's so funny?”
“You.” She pulled away, her giggle a little more certain. “I.. I shouldn't...”
“What about me?” Gabriel leaned against the side of the tub, still holding the sponge.
“I'd have thought you would have smelled like chocolate. You don't.” She covered her mouth, her shoulders starting to shake as she tried to control her mirth.
“Oh, you...” He dropped the sponge he was holding into the water, splashing her with bubbles, which made her giggle become a full blown laugh. It was a wonderful sound. He reached over and pushed the bubbles off the top of her head. “Well - sorry to disappoint you.”
“No, no - it's okay.” She picked up the sponge and brushed more suds away. “You smell like winter.”
“Winter, huh?” He splashed her slightly, drawing more giggles. “Guess there's worse things.”
Deanna shook the water from her eyes, returning Gabriel's splash with one of her own, smearing a line of bubbles down the archangel's nose. “This is - I...” She suddenly realized what she was doing and, instead of sinking down to her chin, slipped slightly and dunked herself. As she came back up, spluttering, she could see Gabriel's concerned face. “That was stupid of me.”
“No, it wasn't.” He wiped the suds off his forehead. “It's good to hear you laugh.”
She swallowed a few times and then smiled weakly, resting her head on her knees. “You're just being sweet.”
He retrieved the sponge and started to clean the suds from her hair. “Well, you are the one who made me see reason. So call it a very poor attempt at trying to pay to you back.”
She closed her eyes as he worked on cleaning her up. “I'm such a mess.”
“I think we're all a little messed up.” He let his fingers linger at the back of her neck, noting that here, there were small wispy curls that he had never noticed before - and he'd seen Deanna with her hair up lots of times. “No one is perfect.” What happened next - Gabriel wasn't sure if it was intentional or not, he didn't know - nor, upon later reflection, did he entirely care. The young woman turned her head quickly to look at him and in that brief second, their lips touched. He pulled back, his mind screaming at him that this was wrong, but he let his hand slip onto the side of her face and kiss her again, softly.
Deanna let the kiss end, her face looking weak. “I...”
“Don't start with that again.” Gabriel stood to get a towel and was actually surprised that she'd stood up in the tub, not even waiting for him to leave the room. “Or were you going to say something else?” He wrapped the towel around her torso and turned her around.
“I don't know how I feel. I - I did enjoy it but yet...”
He set his forehead against hers, taking a deep breath. “I know.” He hated the fact that since Castiel died and he started taking care of Deanna for him - he felt he owed it to his little brother - he'd started thinking things that made him feel horrible. He knew how fragile the girl was - and he had somehow come to fill a gap in her life of brother and friend - something she so desperately needed. He embraced her, resting his cheek on the top of her head. “I suppose I should be the one saying I'm sorry.”
“No, no it's okay.” She slipped her arms around his waist, sighing deeply. “I've been - well...”
“You're allowed.” He felt her shift slightly. “You want me to go so you can get dressed?”
She shook her head. “I'm good.”
Gabriel lifted her chin, swallowing and then pressed his lips back against hers, still feeling uncertain. He didn't want to force anything, if she pulled away, if she did anything that even hinted he'd overstepped, he would back away and do his best to put this out of his mind. Hesitantly, he slipped the tip of his tongue against the seam of her lips, softly seeking - wondering - and then he felt the girl's mouth open under his to let him inside. The kiss was more confused than anything, Deanna's tongue moving with his as if she'd somehow forgotten to kiss in this fashion. He pulled away, smiling at her short, quick breaths. “More?”
It was like something inside of her unlocked and Deanna had to keep herself from moving to quickly. She nodded. “Please.” She didn't hesitate when his lips met hers this time, her mouth slanting open to accept his. She felt his hand slide to the back of her head, holding her as he kissed her, nipping at her bottom lip with his teeth. He may not have smelled of chocolate - but his mouth tasted of it. Rich, deep, dark and wonderfully sweet. She felt his hand slide down to rest on her hip and she didn't pull away, but tightened her grip on the back of his shirt.
Gabriel lifted her from the floor and carried her from the bathroom and into the bedroom, laying her down, finally pulling his lips from hers. “Do you want me to stop?”
Deanna shook her head. “No. Please...” Her hand slid into his hair, desperate to pull him back into another kiss.
The archangel didn't want to refuse her. He knew that whatever feelings there were between the two of them at the moment - deep down, he knew they both needed each other. He set his lips against hers, giving her a whisper of a kiss. “I just want you to be certain, Deanna - absolutely certain.” His hand went to where the towel was closed.
“I just... I think...” A hurt look came to her face. “I want...”
Gabriel gave her another soft kiss. “I know.” He undid the towel, pulling it open. He looked down at her, noting the changes in her body since the last time he'd seen her - on that horrible night. She'd lost all of her pregnancy weight - more or less withered from her body by depression and her reluctance to eat. The bruises were nearly gone and he set a hand on her breast, brushing it softly. “If you want me to stop at any time, tell me and I will.”
Deanna's hand slid down to the front of his shirt, fumbling with the buttons. “I need...” She kissed him swiftly. “I want to feel alive again.”
Gabriel tugged the towel off of the bed and solved the problem of his own clothes by removing them with a thought and shifted to kiss her neck. “You are alive, Deanna - you just need to wake up.” He moved his lips lower, his tongue sliding down from her neck to the hollow of her throat. “You smell like honey.” He laved at her breast, loving her gasp of shock. “And I love honey.”
She let out a breathy laugh as she felt his hips gently nudge her thighs apart, his mouth still exploring her skin. “Please...”
“Don't want to rush.” He slid his hands down to her hips. “Don't want to hurt you.” He shifted so they were forehead to forehead.
Deanna wrapped her arms around his shoulders, lifting her hips upwards, seeking him. “Some other time...please..”
Gabriel slipped his hand between them, taking hold of his cock, guiding it towards her, rubbing the head against her lips. He was actually surprised to find her wet and ready for him. “Deanna...” He whispered against her temple before sliding himself inside of her. She arched her hips upward to meet him, welcoming him into her body as they sank back towards the mattress as one. “So sweet...”
Deanna's head fell back as they moved against each other, the feeling of desire and long lost warmth flooding through her. She groaned softly. “Gabriel... please...”
“Don't beg.” He whispered as he thrust into her, drawing each stroke out to savor every second and touch. “Despite what you may think, I don't like to rush these things.”
She laughed softly as he kept moving against her, filling her full. “Not... it's good...” She tugged absently at his hair, her other arm holding onto him. “Wonderful.”
Gabriel kissed her neck as he pumped against her, his hips meeting hers. His hands slipped under her shoulders, holding onto her as they moved against one another. He groaned as pleasure washed over him, causing him to shiver slightly. The hate he'd had for feeling this way was rapidly falling away as he rolled them over until he was on his back so he could thrust deeper into the woman.
Deanna whimpered slightly - Gabriel was driving her mad, getting her all the way to the edge only to pull her back down and into the heat of building towards what she so desperately needed. She could feel one of the angel's hands resting against her rear as he thrust into her, moaning loudly. She tightened her grip on him, her hips moving in time with his, urging him on. And then, in an instant, her orgasm slammed into her almost without warning. She shuddered as she felt the angel come beneath her, groaning as he did, pulling her down to rest against him, his hands slipping into her still damp hair.
Gabriel took a few deep breaths as he smoothed down her hair, swallowing. A moment later, he felt Deanna turn and rest her head against his chest. He had already known she was a snuggler. He rested his arm around her back, his hand rubbing her upper arm. He resisted the urge to speak - he couldn't really think of what to say anyway - he listened as Deanna's breathing slowly returned to normal and, a moment later, he felt a soft warm tear hit his chest as it escaped from her cheek. He closed his eyes and tightened his embrace.
He knew full well why she was crying. He brushed away the next tear before it could fall. They would just have to take all of this one step at a time, like he had told her.
*
Getting back into hunting was almost out of the question. Deanna couldn't see the point anymore - and honestly, given her last encounter with hunters, it seemed pointless. The safe house where she was now staying had been done up with a lot of things courtesy of Gabriel - it was comfortable and clean. And she was actually glad to come out of her room - after spending nearly a month there - to find that the door across the hall seemed to have faded into the wall. The room beyond was where the nursery had been.
She didn't know what she was going to do with her life now, since hunting was not an option and she had very few skills to offer otherwise. Mechanic or bartender was pretty much all she was qualified for. She tucked herself into one of the large easy chairs in the front room, her gaze fixed outside.
“Well, look who's up and a about this morning.” Gabriel came into the room from the kitchen, carrying two mugs of coffee.
“Hey.” She took the offered mug and turned her attention to him. “I... I haven't thanked you for - taking care of me while I was...”
He held up a hand to silence her. “I know, Dee. I know - I just wish...” He sat down on the sofa across from her, holding his mug in both hands.
“I guess I should have gotten out of bed sooner.” She turned back towards the window. “It's September, isn't it?”
“Yes - though it feels like August.” Gabriel took a drink of coffee. “I didn't want to rush you into anything.”
“Yeah.” She smiled faintly. “I've just - I just have no idea what to do now. Can't hunt - can't do much of anything, really.”
The angel let out a low breath. “I haven't felt like doing much myself either.” He sighed. “There's so much land around here.”
“What, you want to take up farming?” She smirked over her mug.
“No - but still... it's quiet.”
“I like quiet.” She leaned back in her seat. “What, you want to open up a riding stable, or something?”
The archangel laughed. “Now there's something I hadn't thought of.”
She glanced at him. “I was joking.”
“It's a good idea, don't you like horses?” He smirked. “I thought all girls liked horses.”
She took another sip of coffee. “I don't know that much about them, really.”
“Well, okay - so we forget the horses and get a dog or two and just...” He sighed. “I don't know.”
“You have any pagan friends who don't eat humans?”
Gabriel started at the question. “A few, why?”
“Well...” She turned to look at him. “We could have some kind of - I don't know, Adventure Woods thing or something - and they could come and help.”
“What the heck is that? Adventure Woods?” Gabriel frowned.
“Only the last great field trip I ever took.” She lowered her mug to the table next to her. “It's like - there's all these physical challenges you have to do as a team. It's supposed to help in building team work and then there's the individual challenges like rappelling and....”
The angel slowly smiled. “Well, we could look into something like that.” He stood up and went over to kiss the top of her head. “Right now, you work on getting back to - “ he stopped himself from saying 'normal.'
“I know what you mean.” She smiled and rested her hands on her legs. “One day at a time, right?”
“Right.” He set a hand against her cheek, but pulled away before he could kiss her again.
*
Deanna tied the bandanna at the base of her neck and stood arms akimbo, debating where to start. At her feet was a bucket, several clean cloths and a bottle of Turtle Wax. In front of her, looking as dull and forlorn as she felt, was the Impala. “Well, since fixing you has always gone a long way on helping me feel better...” She picked up a rag and bottle of wax and walked over to the car. “let's get you gleaming again.” She upended the bottle and got to work. Starting with the hood, she hummed along with the radio as she worked.
Gabriel had come outside when he'd awoken in the house and found the Winchester's bed empty. He had almost been in a panic when he heard the Impala's engine roar, but now he found that the young woman had only backed the car out of the garage and into a clear patch of gravel drive where it wouldn't be shadowed by a tree. The sound of music wafted around him as he stood in the drive, watching Deanna work on her car. An outside observer might make the comment that she was far to pale, far to wan to be doing such strenuous work. Gabriel, however - saw beyond that. For the first time in a while, she had an honest smile on her face that he doubted she knew was there. He took a few steps closer, his hands in his pockets. “It's still pretty warm out.”
Deanna looked up, shaking her head. “It's September, isn't that kind of a given?”
“True, but it'd probably be better for you to do this when it cools off.” He rocked on the balls of his feet. “Though - “
“Well, it's been a while since I did this, so I figured I should do it when I felt like it, rather than waiting for the right time.” She shrugged and rubbed at a particularly stubborn patch.
“I understand that.” Gabriel was actually rather amazed that Deanna had gotten out of bed, gotten dressed and gone outside to really give her too much trouble about waxing a car in the hot summer afternoon. “Sleep well?”
“Pretty well.” She shrugged and rubbed at the roof of the Impala. “I mean, at least it was dreamless.”
“Yeah.” The archangel ran a hand through his hair, a little lost for conversation. “Well, if you're going to work out here, I should do something too - mow the lawn, or what have you.”
Deanna snorted. “Like that's going to take you any longer than five minutes?”
Gabriel pulled a very convincing disgruntled look. “I can take my time with things, Chuckle-head.” He went back into the garage and returned with a pair of clippers and some gardening gloves. “Very well, I'll do it the hard way.”
“Gabriel...” She dropped the rag she was holding into a bucket and followed him up into the backyard, noting that the grass had cut itself just by the angel passing. When she got to the top of the small rise, she watched as the angel went over to the long fence that bordered the large field behind the house and in a moment, had vanished into the long stalks of weeds. “Gabe!” She ran to the fence, stopping under a massive oak tree.
“I'll be back in a minute.” He called back to her, still unseen. “There's something I want to get out of here.”
She nodded and turned back towards the house and that was when she caught sight of the two rosebushes planted under the tree. Both of them were flourishing - one with white roses and the other a strange pale blue - a sort of rose she'd never seen before. Deanna saw that set behind the two plants, there was a wrought-iron bench that looked, despite what it was made from, looked comfortable. She frowned and then turned as she heard Gabriel come out of the field, carrying several stalks of sunflowers. “What... I don't remember these being here.”
The archangel shook his head. “I planted those a few weeks ago.”
Deanna frowned for a moment and then she understood. The rosebushes were grave markers. “Thank you.”
He headed back across the yard and she followed next to him. “You're welcome. Although...” He didn't have to finish the sentence for her to know what he wanted to say. He indicated the flowers. “I think we could use something bright in the kitchen.”
They parted in the drive and she went back to waxing the Impala while Gabriel went inside. As she picked up the cloth and bottle to start again, she glanced back at the two rosebushes, swaying slightly in the gentle breeze. Deanna let a small smile creep onto her face. In her heart she knew that wherever it was that angels went when they died - some locked, private part of Heaven or something - wherever Cas was, their little boy was with him.
*
Deanna was dreaming. She knew she was dreaming because she was one of the last people to ever lie around in a field, staring up at the sky like she didn't have a care in the world. She was surrounded by bluebells and pale white flowers that had a strong scent - gardenias - and the ground was far to even and comfortable for it to be real.
“It's sort of real.” A voice said from above her and she sat up.
“Cas?” She blinked, not wanting to believe her eyes. He was sitting right there, perfectly whole and healthy - a massive pair of brown-black wings protruding from his back - as if they had only seen each other this morning. “I -”
The angel smiled and set his fingers against her cheek, frowning slightly. “You've been sick.”
“Yeah.” She hugged her knees, feeling ashamed.
The angel moved closer and wrapped his arms - and one wing - around her, holding her against him. “I am sorry that I had to leave you. I should have - should have known that it was a trap.”
“It's - I miss you.” She hid her eyes. “It's all my fault.”
“No.” He took her face in his hands, brushing her cheekbones with his thumbs. “It is not your fault, Deanna. If it meant giving you a chance to live, I would gladly give my life for you again.”
“But... I...” She couldn't even bring herself to say the rest.
“What happened to our son wasn't your fault either. Those hunters violated your trust and have, as I understand it, been severely punished.” He kissed her forehead. “I know how hard you fought for him. It is not your fault you were outnumbered.”
“I... is he okay?” She swallowed, feeling the tears slipping down her cheeks.
“He is well. He is not here at the moment. I believe he is off chasing butterflies.” He smiled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “We both miss you, of course - but we are at the end of the path, while you are still upon it.”
“I wish I was with you.”
“I am glad you still live, Deanna.” He rested his forehead against hers. “I suppose you are aware that my brother is in love with you.”
“Gabriel?” Deanna felt herself flush.
“Which other brother of mine do you know so well? I know what he has done for you and for that I am grateful. You two need each other - even if neither of you will admit it yet.”
“I... I love you, Cas.”
“I know you do.” The angel looked pained and lifted her chin. “But you have to let me go. I want you to live your life...” He held his hand up when she started to interrupt. “You must go on - I know how you feel about him.”
“I feel like it - it's too soon, or something...”
“Gabriel has been taking care of you for almost the past year - what he could heal, he has. What is left is up to you. He has his own unhealed wounds - this war was just as hard for him as it was for you. And that is why the two of you need one another.”
“I - don't... I'm...”
“You're allowed to be afraid.” He held her close against him, pulling her into his lap. “I was afraid when I started to fall - and you were there for me. Taught me things I couldn't imagine existing. I regret nothing that happened between us - but now, now you must go on with your life.”
“I...” She let out a breath. “It's hard, Cas.”
“It's supposed to be.” He brushed her cheek with his thumb. “You just have to live, Deanna. That's all I am asking.”
“One foot in front of the other.” She gave him a very weak grin. “Just like always.”
“Yes.” He kissed her forehead. “And try and be happy.”
When Deanna awoke, although her cheeks were wet with tears, she felt an odd sort of peace in her heart. She turned in the bed to find Gabriel snoozing in the chair next to it. She smiled at him, stuffed her pillow under her chin and went back to sleep, not certain how she was going to go forward - but each step forward was a movement back to herself.
*
Gabriel knew how fragile the relationship he and Deanna was. They had only had sex once - and that had been several weeks ago. He wasn't going to be the one to bring it up - most nights all the young woman wanted was for him to hold her until she fell asleep - and really? If that's all they ever did? He would be grateful. It was October and over the last few months, he had seen the change that came over her. The gaunt look was gone and she regained some, but not all of her muscle. They had left the house a few times, but never for very long. There were a few too many people causing trouble in the next town over for his liking - and well, he felt it was safer to take Deanna with him than to leave her here, despite all the wards and protective measures.
He was about to get up from the bed when the young woman's hand grasped onto his shirt, snuggling closer to him. He set an arm around her, closing his eyes. “And here I thought you were asleep.”
“Not too sleepy.” She let go of his shirt. “Sorry...”
“Don't be.” He moved so he was lying down on the bed, holding her again. “You can be such a snuggle-puss.”
“That a problem?”
“No.” Gabriel rubbed the small of her back. “You feel like getting out of the house for a while?”
“Now?” She gave him a confused look.
“No, not now... tomorrow, or in a few days.”
“Where were you thinking of going?” She settled down against him.
“Next town - need to - well...”
“I see.” Deanna slowly smiled. “What, you want me to play the supposedly investigating FBI agent?”
The archangel let a grin spread across his face. “Double agent?”
“That could be... fun.” She sighed. “You're not going to kill anyone, are you?”
“Only the guy who's getting away with beating his kids.” Gabriel felt her stiffen. “I might let you help with him.”
“I'll hand you the knives.” Her voice was soft - a sure sign to the angel of how pissed she was.
“Who said anything about knives? I was thinking more along the line of... vegetable peelers.”
*
Deanna straightened her shoulders as she checked herself in the highly polished sheen of the Impala, adjusting the fitted jacket she was wearing. “Just have to keep my head in the game and act like I don't know Gabriel.” She took a deep breath, turned from the car and headed up the stairs of the building of the high school, her heels clicking against the pavement. She kept her tone even as she came to the front desk and flashed her FBI badge at the secretary. “Agent Morrison, I spoke to you on the phone?”
The gray haired woman adjusted her glasses and smiled at her. “Yes.” She started to sort through some files. “One moment please.”
“Take your time, ma'am.” Deanna rested her arm on the counter, watching out of the corner of her eye as Gabriel came past her, pushing a janitorial cart. He gave her the tiniest of nods as he did and had she not been looking at him, would have missed the wink he gave her.
“Yes, here we are... Coach McPhee's file...” The secretary brought Deanna back to reality and she turned to look at the woman again. She looked almost like she was fighting an internal battle. As she handed the folder to her, the secretary set her hand on her wrist. “I know one shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but that man...” She made a face. “Was a complete pig.”
Deanna arched an eyebrow. “Is that in the normal way or something worse?”
The woman's eyes glinted. “Worse. I'm actually....” She suddenly looked abashed and sat back down. “But the circumstances...” She frowned. “Odd... the animal control people didn't hurt the tiger, did they?”
“No ma'am.” Deanna managed a weak look. “They sedated him and got him back into his cage. They're keeping him under observation, but he is, for the most part, unharmed.” She sighed. “And as he's an endangered species, they can't terminate him. Not to mention the animal rights groups are all over this already.”
“Is that your headache?”
“Thankfully not.” She indicated the file. “This is my copy, correct?”
“Yes.” She smiled. “Any questions, you have the number.”
“Thank you.” Deanna tucked the file into her briefcase and left.
*
The temporary home that Gabriel had 'created' for them was in a loft apartment over an empty store. Deanna came back to the strong smell of sugar and baked goods and shook her head. Somehow, meting out justice made him crave sugar twice as much. Right now, the whole place smelled strongly of doughnuts and her stomach gave a low grumble. “If those taste as good as they smell, maybe we should just open up a bakery downstairs.”
“When are you going to learn that everything I fry, bake or cook in general is going to be good?” Gabriel replied as she came into the kitchen. “As for opening a bakery, I'll put it on the list of things we might do.” He glanced up from the sink where he was washing his hands. “Any leads?”
“As a matter of fact, yes.” She slid onto a bar stool, smoothing down her skirt.
The angel dried his hands and came over to her, shaking his head. “Feel like sharing with the rest of the class?”
“I think either people in this town are hallucinating or there's a serious case of don't touch whatever this is and turn around and pretend like you didn't see anything.” She toed off her heels. “How was your day?”
“Boring, for the most part.” He leaned casually against the counter. “Though I did see something I liked today.”
“A candy store where everything was marked seventy percent off?”
Gabriel laughed. “No, but that would be nice.” He turned to look at her. “What caught my eye was someone pretending to be an FBI agent.”
“Really?” She grinned. “That's funny, because I saw an angel pretending to be a janitor.” She took off her earrings and set them on the counter. “What are we doing?”
“Giving out just desserts.” He touched her cheek for a moment before heading back to check on their dinner. “I thought I explained this...”
“Not that. I meant us. What are we doing, or am I the only one who's been looking at the elephant in the room?”
Gabriel turned the oven off and slowly raised his head. “No. I just didn't want to mention it because...”
“Oh for crying out loud, I'm not a little girl, Gabriel.” She turned around and faced him. “You think this is easy for me? It's not like I have any idea how to explain what I want, because I have no idea what you want, because all of you angels are thick as lead when it comes to emotions at times!”
He took a deep breath. “It's...”
“If you say it's complicated, I will throw something at you.” Deanna growled. “If you just want to be friends and nothing more, than say so damn it!”
“I don't want to be just friends, Deanna.” Gabriel straightened his shoulders. “I don't think that's possible for us to just be friends. There's... a little too much history.” He tapped his fingers against the stove. “Are you hungry?”
“Is that a lame attempt at changing the subject?”
“No.” He let out a breath. “I'm just wanting to know if you want to eat right away or not.”
“I can wait.” She stood up and went around the island to stand next to him. “I had a late lunch.” Deanna leaned over and kissed Gabriel softly. “Did you want to eat?”
He returned the kiss, almost laughing when she pulled back so he had to chase her lips. “I don't need to eat, so it makes no difference to me.” He wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her against him. “Now hold still so I can kiss you properly.” He pressed his mouth against hers, sliding his tongue inside, gently exploring, feeling her tongue brush against his, the faint taste of vanilla milkshake was still there. He pulled away for a moment to suck on her bottom lip, smiling before closing his mouth over hers again.
Deanna had wrapped her arms around Gabriel's shoulders, almost melting into the kiss. It was better than the time he had kissed her in the bathtub - she was more awake, more alert - and now, more alive. She pulled away from him long enough to set her lips against his ear, breathing fast as she felt his slide to her neck. “Have I ever told you how much I love to have midnight snacks?”
He chuckled. “What does that have to do with what we're doing right now?” He slid his hand to her waist and slipped it under the hem of her blouse.
“I'm saying I don't want any dinner.” She traced the shell of his ear with her tongue. “That is, unless you want it.”
“One thing I want right now.” He started unfastening the buttons of her shirt. “And that's you.”
Deanna nuzzled against him. “Here?”
“No.” He shifted them from standing in the kitchen to lying on the bed on the far side of the loft. “Here.” Gabriel chuckled to himself. “One of these days I'm going to manage to do that so we keep our clothes on.”
She laughed in response and pulled him down to her, her voice husky. “I'll let you practice as often as you want.”
“Aren't you sweet?” He kissed her softly, his hand settling on her breast.
“Well, I know how much you love sweet things - so I guess I better not change.” Her laugh was cut off as he deepened the kiss, his hands starting to roam against her skin. She slid of her hands into his hair, tilting her head back to give him better access to her as the other one came to rest on his shoulder.
“I wouldn't dream of asking you to change, Nina - ever.”
“Nina?” She laughed softly. “What's that supposed to be?
He leaned up on his hands and kissed her nose. “Well, you're no Annie and too many people call you Dee - and no way am I calling you Anna - so to me, you're Nina.” He grinned. “That okay with you?”
“Are you going to shut up and get back to kissing me?”
Gabriel laughed and complied with her request - and a lot more.