Fic: Always Have, Always Will
Title: Always Have, Always Will
Rating: Hard R
Pairing/Characters: Jared/Jensen
Warnings: Semi-graphic sex, slash
Prompt: Wild Card: Major Illness
Summary: Double Prompt Fill - for hc_bingo and spnkink_meme. Jared and Jensen have been friends practically forever - and became more than friends at 13 when they realized they had romantic feelings towards each other. On the eve of their graduation from high school, Jensen has news for Jared that changes everything: he has cancer.
Jared was doing his best to keep from checking the clock. It was the last day of school before spring break of his senior year of high school. While most of his classmates were making final plans for their trips to Colorado or Cancun, his mind was occupied elsewhere. He knew that Jensen wasn't going to be in school today. His parents had taken him in to see the doctor to find out what the bug he couldn't seem to shake was. They had wanted to chalk it up to stress, but the flu-like symptoms just seemed to be getting worse and worse. He risked a glance at the clock - five minutes to go. Five minutes and the bell would ring and he'd be right in the thick of the pack trying to get out of here. He hoped that Jensen just had some weird form of mono, or something - just let him catch up on his sleep this coming week and he'd be back to his normal self.
Jared missed normal Jensen. Normal Jensen didn't have trouble staying out until midnight on Fridays when there was unlimited rounds at the local bowling alley. Normal Jensen didn't have an issue with getting up at eleven pm to go to a midnight showing and then going almost straight to school afterwards. Normal Jensen wasn't behind on his assignments and normal Jensen talked like he didn't have to breathe. Jared knew that Jensen probably missed his old self as well - because tired Jensen was starting to become his normal persona and -
The bell cut off Jared's internal thoughts and he quickly started to fill his backpack. He'd stop by the office, pick up Jensen's homework - get the textbooks his friend might need and then he'd head straight to his friend's house.
*
Jensen stared down at his hands, wondering when, exactly, they'd become so thin. He'd thought all this illness was just stress - until his weight started to plummet. How he'd managed to hide it from Jared, he still wasn't sure. He sighed and opened his desk drawer, trying to find his spare charger for his Nintendo DS.
“Jen, honey?” His mother leaned into his room. “Jared's here.”
Fear welled up in him - and he nearly told his mother he didn't want to see his friend, but - it wasn't like his mother wouldn't let Jared know what was wrong if he didn't. “'Kay. Thanks.” He smiled wanly. “You already invited him to dinner, didn't you?”
She shook her head. “I have no idea what you're talking about.” He heard her go back downstairs and then the thundering noise of his best friend charging up the stairs like he had a million times before announced Jared's arrival.
Jensen mustered a bit stronger smile when he went to the doorway. “Still traveling around with that herd of moose, I hear.”
Jared laughed as he came down the hall, giving his friend a quick hug and a swift kiss on the side of the head before Jensen stepped back to let him into the room so he could close the door. “Missed you.”
Jensen gave Jared another kiss on the cheek. “Missed you too.” He went back over to his desk to finish packing his bag. “Uh... you better sit down.” He could see his friend tense up. “Trust me, it'll be better if you sit.”
“Jen, what's wrong?” Jared didn't like the look on his friend's face. He had taken in the half-packed bag - that alone wasn't a good sign. “I - it's that serious?”
Jensen leaned against his desk, clutching the edge with his hands and he boosted himself to sit on it. “Just - close the door and sit, please.”
Jared shut the door that hadn't closed completely when Jen had pushed on it and came over to the desk, sitting down in the chair and instantly took both Jensen's hands in his, rubbing the backs with his thumbs. “Jenny?”
He nearly cried at the use of Jared's pet name for him. “It's not mono.” He looked down at their hands - Jared's strong and massive - and his, long and thin. “It's worse.” He leaned forward, resting his forehead against Jared's. Somehow, he felt a little stronger just doing that. “I... I've got leukemia.”
Jared swore his heart turned to ice at his friend's words. “Cancer?”
“Yeah.” Jensen sniffled as he felt Jared's hands tighten on his. “It - they've caught it early enough that the doctors think I can make a full recovery.” He pulled back so he could look him in the eyes. “I check in Monday to start the whole chemo process.”
Jared stood up and wrapped his friend in a hug, pressing his face into his hair. He wasn't going to let himself cry over this - he wasn't. “Jen...” It came out in a broken sob. “I...”
Jensen rested against him, feeling the tears start to slip from his eyes. “I'm gonna beat this, Jare. I'm going to get better in time for that road trip we've always wanted to take in August. That's five months away.” He squeezed his friend. “I just - just need...”
Jared rubbed his back in slow circles. “Not going to leave you, Jen. I've been your friend since we were five - and been kissing you since we turned thirteen. No way am I not going to help you anyway I can.”
Jensen smiled, rubbing his cheek against Jared's chest. “Love you.”
“I love you too.” He kissed the top of his head. “Always will.”
*
Jared's biggest issue was the fact that school seemed to get in the way of all that he wanted to do to help Jensen. Most of the time when he did see him, Jen was usually sleeping, looking like death warmed over. He had known that he'd been losing weight - but now it seemed to be emphasized even more now that when he saw him, Jen was usually in a t-shirt and boxers if he was at home, or in one of those open-backed shirts if he was in the hospital. He always made sure he took a shower and changed clothes before he went over to Jen's house. His own parents were suddenly shocked that he had started keeping his room clean. When he came home from school one warm afternoon in April, ready to change and head over to Jen's - he rifled through the mail before heading upstairs. Bills, adds - and two thick packages for him. With all the chaos and worry he'd had lately, somehow the fact that he was starting to get replies from the colleges he'd applied to were coming in.
Jared tossed his mail onto his bed and went to get cleaned up. He didn't want to think about colleges, not now. Despite the fact that Jen kept assuring him that he'd be fine, that the treatment was working - it was hard to believe. He tossed the thick packages in his school bag. Tonight he was going to be giving Mr and Mrs Ackles a night off - he and Jen had talked about it, and with it being close to the Ackles's anniversary, Jen had felt like his parents needed a night to just not worry about him. Jared knew Jen would be asleep by eleven - so he'd look over the several thick packages he'd gotten - he hadn't even checked to see where they were from. After tossing a few other items into his bag, he headed back downstairs.
“Mom, I'm going!” Jared called down the stairs to the basement.
“All right - you two be careful and you know who to call if there's an emergency.” She came to the bottom of the stairs, oddly enough still holding onto a bottle of laundry detergent. “You going to be spending the night over there?”
“Yeah. Might actually be the first sleepover where there's sleep involved that's more than a few hours.”
His mother laughed in response. “Just remember that Jensen needs plenty of rest - so don't go forcing him to stay up and talk, you hear?”
“I hear, mom.” He waved and headed outside. The warm spring afternoon made Jared think of the approaching summer and graduation. That made him stop and think. Jen had said he was doing his best to stay up with his class and keep on top of his schoolwork, but Jared was taking that with a grain of salt. Sure, it was the last quarter of their senior year which everyone had always told them was pretty much a joke - but still. He took a deep breath and pulled out of the drive. He needed to stop thinking on what Jen wasn't doing and focus on what he was.
*
Jensen leaned against the cabinet under the sink in his bathroom, breathing slowly. Of all the things about chemo he hated, the throwing up was the worst. He heard the door of his room open and he rubbed his nose with a tissue, wishing he felt like moving. “In the bathroom, Jare.” He heard a thump that he guessed was the guy's bag and then he saw a shadow fall over him and he turned. “Hello, sunshine.”
“Jen.” Jared sat down on the floor and set an arm around him. “You're looking better.”
“Don't lie.” He rested his head against Jared's collarbone. “I know how awful I look.” He knew full well what he looked like - his hair was gone, his eyes had dark rings around them and he had to wear a sweatshirt in the middle of April because he was so cold - the last time he'd gotten on a scale, he'd nearly fainted at the sight of the digital numbers of a hundred and twenty-seven pounds. Two months ago, he'd weighted nearly a hundred and sixty. “You smell nice.”
Jared pressed a soft kiss to Jen's forehead. “What do I smell like?”
“Sunshine.” Jensen let out a deep breath. “Spring...” He sniffed. “And bread, for some reason.”
“That'd be the air-freshener in my car.” Jared rubbed his back in slow circles. “You done in here or you want to stay?”
“Stay.” He jerked away from him and turned over to the toilet to vomit again. He felt his cheeks burn in embarrassment and shame. He hated for Jared to see him like this. He hacked and spat the last of the bile from his mouth, tears stinging his eyes. “Sorry.”
“Don't be sorry for this, Jen.” Jared resumed rubbing his back. “It's okay.” He flinched as Jensen threw up a little more.
Jensen wiped his mouth with the tissue and flushed the toilet. “I've been doing all this puking and it makes me wonder why the hell anyone would make themselves do it on purpose.” He coughed. “I think that's the last of it.”
“You sure?”
“My stomach feels a better. That's usually a sign it's over.” He let Jared help him up and rinsed out his mouth before the two of them made their way back to the bedroom and he sat down on the bed. “Now I just need to get the urge to go downstairs back.”
Jared sat down at the foot of the bed, grinning. “You really do look better, Jen.”
“Of course he does. I keep telling him that and he won't believe me.”
“Mom.” Jensen ducked his head. “Stop it.”
Mrs. Ackles came into the room to give her son a swift kiss on both cheeks. “Your dad and I should be home a little after eleven. I know I don't have to tell you to get plenty of rest.” She turned to Jared. “You know where the emergency numbers are - don't worry, he should be good for the night.”
“I'm right here, mom.” Jensen said indignantly.
“I'm allowed to fuss over you.” She gave him another kiss. “Love you sweetie.”
“Love you too, Mom. You and Dad have fun.”
“We'll try.” She leaned over and gave Jared a quick kiss on the cheek as well, causing him to turn beet red. “You're such a good friend to do this.”
“Mooom....” Jensen wondered if it was possible to die of embarrassment.
“I'm going, I'm going...” She waved from the door. “I'll check on you when we come home.”
“Bye, Mrs Ackles.” Jared was still pink as he heard her go downstairs. “What do you want to do tonight Jen? Watch a movie?”
“Movie would be good.” He rubbed his face. “Sitting here is nice too.” He shifted slightly. “C'mere” He nodded the spot next to him. “Please?”
Jared slid up the bed and wrapped his arms around Jensen, hugging him. “That what you needed?”
“Yeah.” Jensen draped his arm over Jared's side, resting his head against his chest. “I like this.”
“It is nice.” Jared went back to rubbing Jensen's back in slow circles, trying to not think about how he could feel almost every bone in his back. “When did you turn into such a snuggle-puss?”
“Always liked snuggling. I just didn't know how to tell you.” He closed his eyes and smiled. “I can hear your heartbeat.”
“Can you?” Jared leaned back against the headboard, his own eyes drifting closed.
“Uh huh. Nice and loud.” Jensen shifted so he could plan a kiss over where he'd heard the sound and then settled back down. “It's a wonderful sound.”
“Your voice is nice too.” Jared slid his hand to rest on Jensen's waist. “Sleepy?”
“A little.” He yawned. “Miss seeing you.”
“I miss seeing you too, Jen. Few hours every week really sucks.” He kissed the top of Jen's head. “I know I shouldn't complain, I'm not the one who's sick.”
“You can complain.” He hugged his friend weakly. “They're having this prom thing at the hospital for all the sick teens next week. My mom's more or less insisted that I go.”
“That sounds fun.” Jared grinned. “I bet you look dashing in a tux.”
“Wish you could come with me.” He sighed. “Stupid rules.”
“I want pictures.” Jared laughed. “How's that?”
Jensen sat up, rubbing his nose with the back of his hand. “If I have to go to prom, you have to go to the one at school.”
Jared gave him a horrified look. “I'm not going to prom while you're sick, Jen. It's not right.”
“A lot of things aren't right. But I want you to go.” Jen gave him a hard look. “I want you to go.”
“I'm not going alone to prom, Jen.” Jared wished he would drop the subject. “Or you implying that you want me to ask someone?”
“Ask someone to go as a friend.” Jen shrugged. “Ask Alona - she's cool.”
“Alona is...” Jared shook his head. “Like Alona's going to want to go to prom when she could be in paint up to her elbows. You know she loves her artwork. She practically eats, breathes and drinks the stuff.”
“Doesn't mean she wouldn't want to go to prom.” Jensen shrugged. “Think about it - you go to yours, I go to mine, and twenty years, we can dig the pictures out and laugh at how silly I looked with no hair and how goofy you looked with too much.”
Jared was doing his best not to chuckle. “I don't like the idea. What if something happens to you while I'm off being a normal teenager?”
“I told you that I'm going to beat this cancer's ass. I'll be fine.” He pulled his legs up and hugged his knees. “You can't spend all your time worrying about me, Jare. You've got your own life to live.”
“I love you, Jen - how can you ask me to stop worrying about you?” Jared nearly grabbed and shook him. “I can't help worrying about you.”
“You're going to make yourself sick.” Jensen leaned forward and rested his arms on Jared's shoulders. “Make you a little deal - you come by next week and help me get ready - you get first dance. In two weeks, when you go to prom, you stop by in your tux and I get first dance with you.”
“Corny.” He kissed the tip of his nose. “Extremely corny. I like it.”
Jensen smiled and hugged him, resting against his shoulder. “I'll even let you lead both times.”
Jared chuckled and pulled him closer to him, holding Jensen around his waist. “You're just saying that because I'm taller than you.”
“Well, yeah...” He buried his face against Jared, not wanting to pull away. “I think I should brush my teeth - my breath probably smells like the chem lab.”
“It's not that bad.” Jared watched at Jensen got up from the bed and walked slowly back over to the bath. “You want anything to eat? Crackers, or something?”
“I could eat a few crackers. I think there's some leftover pasta in the fridge too, if you're hungry also.”
*
Jared had grown used to Jensen falling asleep if he sat still for a long period of time. He kept glancing over at his friend who was slumbering peacefully in his bed. He'd opened up his backpack to look through his acceptance packages. When he'd sent off the applications, he'd been full of excitement and expectations. A month ago, he'd be running in the streets with joy over the admissions letter from Yale. Now all he could think of was just how far away New England was from San Antonio. He stuffed the package back into his backpack and got up from his seat on the floor and went to sit back down on Jensen's bed.
He looks so damn small. Jared reached out and traced the outline of Jensen's jawline and cheekbone, his freckles seeming more prominent than ever. “Need you to get better, Jenny. Hate seeing you sick.”
“Not sleeping.” Jensen mumbled. “Stop tickling me.”
“Am I tickling you?” Jared laid down on the bed, brushing Jen's cheekbone with his thumb.
“Little.” He opened his eyes. “I fall asleep?”
“Just for a little bit. It's just after eight.” He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Jen's. He didn't feel like saying this was usually the time they used to start having fun when they went out. “Good nap?”
“Yeah.” Jensen rubbed the cheek with the back of his hand. “Love you, Jay.”
“Love you too.” He pressed his lips to Jensen's forehead.
“If I asked you to do something, Jay - would you do it?” Jensen swallowed hard.
Jared suddenly felt rather scared - it couldn't be a good thing, not when Jenny was talking in that tone of voice. “I - what do you want, Jen?”
Jensen took a deep breath and looked straight into his eyes. “Make love to me, Jared.”
He blinked in surprise. This certainly wasn't the question he'd been expecting. “I - I could hurt you, Jenny.”
“You could do that even if I wasn't sick.” He closed his eyes and set his forehead against Jared's. “If you don't want too, it's okay.”
Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen and pulled him close. “I don't want to hurt you, Jen.”
“You won't hurt me, Jay. I know you won't.” He reached up and brushed his fingers through his friend's hair. “Please.”
Jared lifted Jensen's chin and pressed his lips against his, slowly letting the kiss deepen and brushed his tongue against Jen's, catching the taste of peanut butter. He pulled back to suck on Jensen's bottom lip, trying to ignore the fact all his blood had rushed straight to his groin. “I just want you to be sure, Jenny. Very sure.”
“I am sure.” Jensen chased after Jared's retreating lips, catching them in a second kiss. “I want this.”
He slid his hand down to the hem of Jensen's shirt and slipped under it, slowly exploring the flesh underneath. He and Jen had not gone that far with their relationship - they had discussed it, but they hadn't gotten to the point where they ready to do it. He slid his hand up Jensen's side, trying not to react to the fact he could feel bones protruding in various places. “All right, Jenny-baby. All right.” He moved so Jensen was lying on his back and he kissed him again and slid his other hand under the shirt as well.
Somehow, between kisses, touches and throwing back the covers of Jensen's bed, the two of them lost their clothing. Jared couldn't believe how skinny Jensen had gotten. As he slid his lubed fingers down to the tight pucker of Jensen's rear, he looked down at their legs lying next to each other. Jen's were almost bony and practically emaciated compared to his. He heard Jen gasp as the tips of his fingers found what they were looking for. “Like that, Jenny baby?”
“Yeah.” He leaned back against Jared, his breath short. “Don't stop.”
“Wouldn't dream of stopping.” Jared slid his finger in, bringing another sharp breath from his lover. “Going to have to explain bruises?”
“No.” Jensen let out a breathy chuckle as Jared added a second finger and more lube. “The doctors almost never look around down there.”
Jared spread his fingers inside him. “You're awfully tight, baby.”
“Don't worry about it hurting.” Jensen reached back with his hand to press it against the side of Jared's face. “Just take it slow.”
“No pain?” He scissored his fingers, stretching him. “You tell me if I start hurting you.”
“No pain.” He panted. “Stop teasing me.” He arched towards Jared's retreating fingers. “Please...”
“Yes, baby.” Jared pulled his fingers from Jensen's tight channel and slicked lube over his aching cock. “Don't want to do that.”
Jensen rolled onto his stomach, resting on his knees slightly as he felt Jared come over him. “Love you.”
“Love you, Jen.” Jared pressed the straining head of his cock against Jensen's tight pucker and slowly pushed inward, wincing at Jen's whimper. “I'm sorry...” He pushed a little further and let out a groan as his cock slipped a little further inside. “So tight.”
Jensen clutched his pillow as he felt Jared sink deeper into him. “It's good, Jare. So good.”
“Yeah.” He added more lube and started thrusting gently into his lover's rear, sinking a little further each time. “It's wonderful.” He kept a nice, gentle rhythm as he moved against Jensen, wondering why they had waited so long to do this. He let out a moan as he felt Jen's inner muscles contract around him, trying to keep him inside. “My sweet Jen.” He kissed the back of Jensen's neck.
Jen let out a moan of his own as Jared's cock made contact with his prostate - he swore he saw stars. “Love you Jare - love you so much.”
“I love you too.” He gave one quick thrust and groaned as he felt his balls come to rest against Jen's rear. “That's all of me, Jen. I'm completely in you.”
Jen turned his head so he could look up at him. “Yours Jare, always yours.” He let out a moan as he felt Jared start to move above him. He let his eyes drift close as pleasure washed over him. The pain from earlier was all but forgotten as Jared kept making love to him - and for a few moments, he forgot the fact that he was sick, that he had a horrific illness that was trying it's hardest to kill him.
For now, all there was in the world was the two of them loving one another completely.
*
Mrs Ackles opened the door of her son's room. They were fifteen minutes later than they said they would be. She shook her head when she caught sight of the two boys sleeping together in Jen's bed. She didn't know if Jensen knew that she knew about him and Jared. She knew that Mrs. Padalecki knew as well - how some mothers could claim they didn't see it coming she had no idea. She wasn't sure how serious the relationship was, but still... She closed the door with a soft click and went down the master bedroom. If her son was happy, then who was she to object?
*
Jared shakily signed his name in as a guest in the ICU of Mercy Hospital and made his way down to the room halfway down the hallway. He steeled himself up before he slid the corner of the curtain back to let himself into the small room. Tears welled up in his eyes at the sight of his best friend looking so small, so weak in a bed that looked to be three times the size of what he needed. One machine helped his breathing and two IV tubes were injected into his arms - one delivering blood and the other delivering medicine. He set his backpack down in one of the chairs and came over to the bed, wanting this to be a nightmare. “Jen?”
His friend opened his eyes and slowly turned his gazes towards him. “Hi.”
“Missed you at school today.”
“Missed you.” Jensen blinked tiredly. “I'm getting better.”
“Yeah.” Jared did his best to make it sound like he believed him. “I don't know how I'm going to get through graduation ceremonies knowing you're in here.”
“I'll be fine.” Jensen closed his eyes. “So tired, Jay.”
“You go on and rest.” He reached over and touched his hand, trying not to think about how cool and limp it was. “I've got plenty of time.”
The corners of Jensen's mouth lifted in what passed for a smile from him these days. “Love you.”
“Love you too.” Jared whispered back. “Always will.”
**
The music was soft and gentle. The air was heavy with the scent of something delicious, but not entirely placeable. Jared closed his eyes and rested his head against his partner as they slowly danced in the small space of the apartment - he'd moved the coffee table just so they'd have the room. He threaded his fingers through the thick hair at the back of his lover's neck, smiling at the softness of it. “I thought I told you I'd cook dinner tonight.”
“I cook for dozens of people almost every night - I don't get to cook for you nearly enough.” He replied with a laugh.
“I envy those people.” He kissed the top of the man's head. “They have no idea how hard you work - or how far you've come.” He smiled. “You think about what I asked you?”
“Yeah.” He paused their dance and looked up at him. “Thought about it a lot.”
“Oh?” Jared put his hand against the side of the man's face. “And?”
Jensen's face split into a wide grin. “Did you really think I was going to say no to your proposal, Jay?”
Jared chuckled and kissed his forehead. “Well, I never know what to expect with you.”
Jensen kissed him softly. “Never doubt that I love you Jared, always have - always will.”
Rating: Hard R
Pairing/Characters: Jared/Jensen
Warnings: Semi-graphic sex, slash
Prompt: Wild Card: Major Illness
Summary: Double Prompt Fill - for hc_bingo and spnkink_meme. Jared and Jensen have been friends practically forever - and became more than friends at 13 when they realized they had romantic feelings towards each other. On the eve of their graduation from high school, Jensen has news for Jared that changes everything: he has cancer.
Jared was doing his best to keep from checking the clock. It was the last day of school before spring break of his senior year of high school. While most of his classmates were making final plans for their trips to Colorado or Cancun, his mind was occupied elsewhere. He knew that Jensen wasn't going to be in school today. His parents had taken him in to see the doctor to find out what the bug he couldn't seem to shake was. They had wanted to chalk it up to stress, but the flu-like symptoms just seemed to be getting worse and worse. He risked a glance at the clock - five minutes to go. Five minutes and the bell would ring and he'd be right in the thick of the pack trying to get out of here. He hoped that Jensen just had some weird form of mono, or something - just let him catch up on his sleep this coming week and he'd be back to his normal self.
Jared missed normal Jensen. Normal Jensen didn't have trouble staying out until midnight on Fridays when there was unlimited rounds at the local bowling alley. Normal Jensen didn't have an issue with getting up at eleven pm to go to a midnight showing and then going almost straight to school afterwards. Normal Jensen wasn't behind on his assignments and normal Jensen talked like he didn't have to breathe. Jared knew that Jensen probably missed his old self as well - because tired Jensen was starting to become his normal persona and -
The bell cut off Jared's internal thoughts and he quickly started to fill his backpack. He'd stop by the office, pick up Jensen's homework - get the textbooks his friend might need and then he'd head straight to his friend's house.
*
Jensen stared down at his hands, wondering when, exactly, they'd become so thin. He'd thought all this illness was just stress - until his weight started to plummet. How he'd managed to hide it from Jared, he still wasn't sure. He sighed and opened his desk drawer, trying to find his spare charger for his Nintendo DS.
“Jen, honey?” His mother leaned into his room. “Jared's here.”
Fear welled up in him - and he nearly told his mother he didn't want to see his friend, but - it wasn't like his mother wouldn't let Jared know what was wrong if he didn't. “'Kay. Thanks.” He smiled wanly. “You already invited him to dinner, didn't you?”
She shook her head. “I have no idea what you're talking about.” He heard her go back downstairs and then the thundering noise of his best friend charging up the stairs like he had a million times before announced Jared's arrival.
Jensen mustered a bit stronger smile when he went to the doorway. “Still traveling around with that herd of moose, I hear.”
Jared laughed as he came down the hall, giving his friend a quick hug and a swift kiss on the side of the head before Jensen stepped back to let him into the room so he could close the door. “Missed you.”
Jensen gave Jared another kiss on the cheek. “Missed you too.” He went back over to his desk to finish packing his bag. “Uh... you better sit down.” He could see his friend tense up. “Trust me, it'll be better if you sit.”
“Jen, what's wrong?” Jared didn't like the look on his friend's face. He had taken in the half-packed bag - that alone wasn't a good sign. “I - it's that serious?”
Jensen leaned against his desk, clutching the edge with his hands and he boosted himself to sit on it. “Just - close the door and sit, please.”
Jared shut the door that hadn't closed completely when Jen had pushed on it and came over to the desk, sitting down in the chair and instantly took both Jensen's hands in his, rubbing the backs with his thumbs. “Jenny?”
He nearly cried at the use of Jared's pet name for him. “It's not mono.” He looked down at their hands - Jared's strong and massive - and his, long and thin. “It's worse.” He leaned forward, resting his forehead against Jared's. Somehow, he felt a little stronger just doing that. “I... I've got leukemia.”
Jared swore his heart turned to ice at his friend's words. “Cancer?”
“Yeah.” Jensen sniffled as he felt Jared's hands tighten on his. “It - they've caught it early enough that the doctors think I can make a full recovery.” He pulled back so he could look him in the eyes. “I check in Monday to start the whole chemo process.”
Jared stood up and wrapped his friend in a hug, pressing his face into his hair. He wasn't going to let himself cry over this - he wasn't. “Jen...” It came out in a broken sob. “I...”
Jensen rested against him, feeling the tears start to slip from his eyes. “I'm gonna beat this, Jare. I'm going to get better in time for that road trip we've always wanted to take in August. That's five months away.” He squeezed his friend. “I just - just need...”
Jared rubbed his back in slow circles. “Not going to leave you, Jen. I've been your friend since we were five - and been kissing you since we turned thirteen. No way am I not going to help you anyway I can.”
Jensen smiled, rubbing his cheek against Jared's chest. “Love you.”
“I love you too.” He kissed the top of his head. “Always will.”
*
Jared's biggest issue was the fact that school seemed to get in the way of all that he wanted to do to help Jensen. Most of the time when he did see him, Jen was usually sleeping, looking like death warmed over. He had known that he'd been losing weight - but now it seemed to be emphasized even more now that when he saw him, Jen was usually in a t-shirt and boxers if he was at home, or in one of those open-backed shirts if he was in the hospital. He always made sure he took a shower and changed clothes before he went over to Jen's house. His own parents were suddenly shocked that he had started keeping his room clean. When he came home from school one warm afternoon in April, ready to change and head over to Jen's - he rifled through the mail before heading upstairs. Bills, adds - and two thick packages for him. With all the chaos and worry he'd had lately, somehow the fact that he was starting to get replies from the colleges he'd applied to were coming in.
Jared tossed his mail onto his bed and went to get cleaned up. He didn't want to think about colleges, not now. Despite the fact that Jen kept assuring him that he'd be fine, that the treatment was working - it was hard to believe. He tossed the thick packages in his school bag. Tonight he was going to be giving Mr and Mrs Ackles a night off - he and Jen had talked about it, and with it being close to the Ackles's anniversary, Jen had felt like his parents needed a night to just not worry about him. Jared knew Jen would be asleep by eleven - so he'd look over the several thick packages he'd gotten - he hadn't even checked to see where they were from. After tossing a few other items into his bag, he headed back downstairs.
“Mom, I'm going!” Jared called down the stairs to the basement.
“All right - you two be careful and you know who to call if there's an emergency.” She came to the bottom of the stairs, oddly enough still holding onto a bottle of laundry detergent. “You going to be spending the night over there?”
“Yeah. Might actually be the first sleepover where there's sleep involved that's more than a few hours.”
His mother laughed in response. “Just remember that Jensen needs plenty of rest - so don't go forcing him to stay up and talk, you hear?”
“I hear, mom.” He waved and headed outside. The warm spring afternoon made Jared think of the approaching summer and graduation. That made him stop and think. Jen had said he was doing his best to stay up with his class and keep on top of his schoolwork, but Jared was taking that with a grain of salt. Sure, it was the last quarter of their senior year which everyone had always told them was pretty much a joke - but still. He took a deep breath and pulled out of the drive. He needed to stop thinking on what Jen wasn't doing and focus on what he was.
*
Jensen leaned against the cabinet under the sink in his bathroom, breathing slowly. Of all the things about chemo he hated, the throwing up was the worst. He heard the door of his room open and he rubbed his nose with a tissue, wishing he felt like moving. “In the bathroom, Jare.” He heard a thump that he guessed was the guy's bag and then he saw a shadow fall over him and he turned. “Hello, sunshine.”
“Jen.” Jared sat down on the floor and set an arm around him. “You're looking better.”
“Don't lie.” He rested his head against Jared's collarbone. “I know how awful I look.” He knew full well what he looked like - his hair was gone, his eyes had dark rings around them and he had to wear a sweatshirt in the middle of April because he was so cold - the last time he'd gotten on a scale, he'd nearly fainted at the sight of the digital numbers of a hundred and twenty-seven pounds. Two months ago, he'd weighted nearly a hundred and sixty. “You smell nice.”
Jared pressed a soft kiss to Jen's forehead. “What do I smell like?”
“Sunshine.” Jensen let out a deep breath. “Spring...” He sniffed. “And bread, for some reason.”
“That'd be the air-freshener in my car.” Jared rubbed his back in slow circles. “You done in here or you want to stay?”
“Stay.” He jerked away from him and turned over to the toilet to vomit again. He felt his cheeks burn in embarrassment and shame. He hated for Jared to see him like this. He hacked and spat the last of the bile from his mouth, tears stinging his eyes. “Sorry.”
“Don't be sorry for this, Jen.” Jared resumed rubbing his back. “It's okay.” He flinched as Jensen threw up a little more.
Jensen wiped his mouth with the tissue and flushed the toilet. “I've been doing all this puking and it makes me wonder why the hell anyone would make themselves do it on purpose.” He coughed. “I think that's the last of it.”
“You sure?”
“My stomach feels a better. That's usually a sign it's over.” He let Jared help him up and rinsed out his mouth before the two of them made their way back to the bedroom and he sat down on the bed. “Now I just need to get the urge to go downstairs back.”
Jared sat down at the foot of the bed, grinning. “You really do look better, Jen.”
“Of course he does. I keep telling him that and he won't believe me.”
“Mom.” Jensen ducked his head. “Stop it.”
Mrs. Ackles came into the room to give her son a swift kiss on both cheeks. “Your dad and I should be home a little after eleven. I know I don't have to tell you to get plenty of rest.” She turned to Jared. “You know where the emergency numbers are - don't worry, he should be good for the night.”
“I'm right here, mom.” Jensen said indignantly.
“I'm allowed to fuss over you.” She gave him another kiss. “Love you sweetie.”
“Love you too, Mom. You and Dad have fun.”
“We'll try.” She leaned over and gave Jared a quick kiss on the cheek as well, causing him to turn beet red. “You're such a good friend to do this.”
“Mooom....” Jensen wondered if it was possible to die of embarrassment.
“I'm going, I'm going...” She waved from the door. “I'll check on you when we come home.”
“Bye, Mrs Ackles.” Jared was still pink as he heard her go downstairs. “What do you want to do tonight Jen? Watch a movie?”
“Movie would be good.” He rubbed his face. “Sitting here is nice too.” He shifted slightly. “C'mere” He nodded the spot next to him. “Please?”
Jared slid up the bed and wrapped his arms around Jensen, hugging him. “That what you needed?”
“Yeah.” Jensen draped his arm over Jared's side, resting his head against his chest. “I like this.”
“It is nice.” Jared went back to rubbing Jensen's back in slow circles, trying to not think about how he could feel almost every bone in his back. “When did you turn into such a snuggle-puss?”
“Always liked snuggling. I just didn't know how to tell you.” He closed his eyes and smiled. “I can hear your heartbeat.”
“Can you?” Jared leaned back against the headboard, his own eyes drifting closed.
“Uh huh. Nice and loud.” Jensen shifted so he could plan a kiss over where he'd heard the sound and then settled back down. “It's a wonderful sound.”
“Your voice is nice too.” Jared slid his hand to rest on Jensen's waist. “Sleepy?”
“A little.” He yawned. “Miss seeing you.”
“I miss seeing you too, Jen. Few hours every week really sucks.” He kissed the top of Jen's head. “I know I shouldn't complain, I'm not the one who's sick.”
“You can complain.” He hugged his friend weakly. “They're having this prom thing at the hospital for all the sick teens next week. My mom's more or less insisted that I go.”
“That sounds fun.” Jared grinned. “I bet you look dashing in a tux.”
“Wish you could come with me.” He sighed. “Stupid rules.”
“I want pictures.” Jared laughed. “How's that?”
Jensen sat up, rubbing his nose with the back of his hand. “If I have to go to prom, you have to go to the one at school.”
Jared gave him a horrified look. “I'm not going to prom while you're sick, Jen. It's not right.”
“A lot of things aren't right. But I want you to go.” Jen gave him a hard look. “I want you to go.”
“I'm not going alone to prom, Jen.” Jared wished he would drop the subject. “Or you implying that you want me to ask someone?”
“Ask someone to go as a friend.” Jen shrugged. “Ask Alona - she's cool.”
“Alona is...” Jared shook his head. “Like Alona's going to want to go to prom when she could be in paint up to her elbows. You know she loves her artwork. She practically eats, breathes and drinks the stuff.”
“Doesn't mean she wouldn't want to go to prom.” Jensen shrugged. “Think about it - you go to yours, I go to mine, and twenty years, we can dig the pictures out and laugh at how silly I looked with no hair and how goofy you looked with too much.”
Jared was doing his best not to chuckle. “I don't like the idea. What if something happens to you while I'm off being a normal teenager?”
“I told you that I'm going to beat this cancer's ass. I'll be fine.” He pulled his legs up and hugged his knees. “You can't spend all your time worrying about me, Jare. You've got your own life to live.”
“I love you, Jen - how can you ask me to stop worrying about you?” Jared nearly grabbed and shook him. “I can't help worrying about you.”
“You're going to make yourself sick.” Jensen leaned forward and rested his arms on Jared's shoulders. “Make you a little deal - you come by next week and help me get ready - you get first dance. In two weeks, when you go to prom, you stop by in your tux and I get first dance with you.”
“Corny.” He kissed the tip of his nose. “Extremely corny. I like it.”
Jensen smiled and hugged him, resting against his shoulder. “I'll even let you lead both times.”
Jared chuckled and pulled him closer to him, holding Jensen around his waist. “You're just saying that because I'm taller than you.”
“Well, yeah...” He buried his face against Jared, not wanting to pull away. “I think I should brush my teeth - my breath probably smells like the chem lab.”
“It's not that bad.” Jared watched at Jensen got up from the bed and walked slowly back over to the bath. “You want anything to eat? Crackers, or something?”
“I could eat a few crackers. I think there's some leftover pasta in the fridge too, if you're hungry also.”
*
Jared had grown used to Jensen falling asleep if he sat still for a long period of time. He kept glancing over at his friend who was slumbering peacefully in his bed. He'd opened up his backpack to look through his acceptance packages. When he'd sent off the applications, he'd been full of excitement and expectations. A month ago, he'd be running in the streets with joy over the admissions letter from Yale. Now all he could think of was just how far away New England was from San Antonio. He stuffed the package back into his backpack and got up from his seat on the floor and went to sit back down on Jensen's bed.
He looks so damn small. Jared reached out and traced the outline of Jensen's jawline and cheekbone, his freckles seeming more prominent than ever. “Need you to get better, Jenny. Hate seeing you sick.”
“Not sleeping.” Jensen mumbled. “Stop tickling me.”
“Am I tickling you?” Jared laid down on the bed, brushing Jen's cheekbone with his thumb.
“Little.” He opened his eyes. “I fall asleep?”
“Just for a little bit. It's just after eight.” He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Jen's. He didn't feel like saying this was usually the time they used to start having fun when they went out. “Good nap?”
“Yeah.” Jensen rubbed the cheek with the back of his hand. “Love you, Jay.”
“Love you too.” He pressed his lips to Jensen's forehead.
“If I asked you to do something, Jay - would you do it?” Jensen swallowed hard.
Jared suddenly felt rather scared - it couldn't be a good thing, not when Jenny was talking in that tone of voice. “I - what do you want, Jen?”
Jensen took a deep breath and looked straight into his eyes. “Make love to me, Jared.”
He blinked in surprise. This certainly wasn't the question he'd been expecting. “I - I could hurt you, Jenny.”
“You could do that even if I wasn't sick.” He closed his eyes and set his forehead against Jared's. “If you don't want too, it's okay.”
Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen and pulled him close. “I don't want to hurt you, Jen.”
“You won't hurt me, Jay. I know you won't.” He reached up and brushed his fingers through his friend's hair. “Please.”
Jared lifted Jensen's chin and pressed his lips against his, slowly letting the kiss deepen and brushed his tongue against Jen's, catching the taste of peanut butter. He pulled back to suck on Jensen's bottom lip, trying to ignore the fact all his blood had rushed straight to his groin. “I just want you to be sure, Jenny. Very sure.”
“I am sure.” Jensen chased after Jared's retreating lips, catching them in a second kiss. “I want this.”
He slid his hand down to the hem of Jensen's shirt and slipped under it, slowly exploring the flesh underneath. He and Jen had not gone that far with their relationship - they had discussed it, but they hadn't gotten to the point where they ready to do it. He slid his hand up Jensen's side, trying not to react to the fact he could feel bones protruding in various places. “All right, Jenny-baby. All right.” He moved so Jensen was lying on his back and he kissed him again and slid his other hand under the shirt as well.
Somehow, between kisses, touches and throwing back the covers of Jensen's bed, the two of them lost their clothing. Jared couldn't believe how skinny Jensen had gotten. As he slid his lubed fingers down to the tight pucker of Jensen's rear, he looked down at their legs lying next to each other. Jen's were almost bony and practically emaciated compared to his. He heard Jen gasp as the tips of his fingers found what they were looking for. “Like that, Jenny baby?”
“Yeah.” He leaned back against Jared, his breath short. “Don't stop.”
“Wouldn't dream of stopping.” Jared slid his finger in, bringing another sharp breath from his lover. “Going to have to explain bruises?”
“No.” Jensen let out a breathy chuckle as Jared added a second finger and more lube. “The doctors almost never look around down there.”
Jared spread his fingers inside him. “You're awfully tight, baby.”
“Don't worry about it hurting.” Jensen reached back with his hand to press it against the side of Jared's face. “Just take it slow.”
“No pain?” He scissored his fingers, stretching him. “You tell me if I start hurting you.”
“No pain.” He panted. “Stop teasing me.” He arched towards Jared's retreating fingers. “Please...”
“Yes, baby.” Jared pulled his fingers from Jensen's tight channel and slicked lube over his aching cock. “Don't want to do that.”
Jensen rolled onto his stomach, resting on his knees slightly as he felt Jared come over him. “Love you.”
“Love you, Jen.” Jared pressed the straining head of his cock against Jensen's tight pucker and slowly pushed inward, wincing at Jen's whimper. “I'm sorry...” He pushed a little further and let out a groan as his cock slipped a little further inside. “So tight.”
Jensen clutched his pillow as he felt Jared sink deeper into him. “It's good, Jare. So good.”
“Yeah.” He added more lube and started thrusting gently into his lover's rear, sinking a little further each time. “It's wonderful.” He kept a nice, gentle rhythm as he moved against Jensen, wondering why they had waited so long to do this. He let out a moan as he felt Jen's inner muscles contract around him, trying to keep him inside. “My sweet Jen.” He kissed the back of Jensen's neck.
Jen let out a moan of his own as Jared's cock made contact with his prostate - he swore he saw stars. “Love you Jare - love you so much.”
“I love you too.” He gave one quick thrust and groaned as he felt his balls come to rest against Jen's rear. “That's all of me, Jen. I'm completely in you.”
Jen turned his head so he could look up at him. “Yours Jare, always yours.” He let out a moan as he felt Jared start to move above him. He let his eyes drift close as pleasure washed over him. The pain from earlier was all but forgotten as Jared kept making love to him - and for a few moments, he forgot the fact that he was sick, that he had a horrific illness that was trying it's hardest to kill him.
For now, all there was in the world was the two of them loving one another completely.
*
Mrs Ackles opened the door of her son's room. They were fifteen minutes later than they said they would be. She shook her head when she caught sight of the two boys sleeping together in Jen's bed. She didn't know if Jensen knew that she knew about him and Jared. She knew that Mrs. Padalecki knew as well - how some mothers could claim they didn't see it coming she had no idea. She wasn't sure how serious the relationship was, but still... She closed the door with a soft click and went down the master bedroom. If her son was happy, then who was she to object?
*
Jared shakily signed his name in as a guest in the ICU of Mercy Hospital and made his way down to the room halfway down the hallway. He steeled himself up before he slid the corner of the curtain back to let himself into the small room. Tears welled up in his eyes at the sight of his best friend looking so small, so weak in a bed that looked to be three times the size of what he needed. One machine helped his breathing and two IV tubes were injected into his arms - one delivering blood and the other delivering medicine. He set his backpack down in one of the chairs and came over to the bed, wanting this to be a nightmare. “Jen?”
His friend opened his eyes and slowly turned his gazes towards him. “Hi.”
“Missed you at school today.”
“Missed you.” Jensen blinked tiredly. “I'm getting better.”
“Yeah.” Jared did his best to make it sound like he believed him. “I don't know how I'm going to get through graduation ceremonies knowing you're in here.”
“I'll be fine.” Jensen closed his eyes. “So tired, Jay.”
“You go on and rest.” He reached over and touched his hand, trying not to think about how cool and limp it was. “I've got plenty of time.”
The corners of Jensen's mouth lifted in what passed for a smile from him these days. “Love you.”
“Love you too.” Jared whispered back. “Always will.”
**
The music was soft and gentle. The air was heavy with the scent of something delicious, but not entirely placeable. Jared closed his eyes and rested his head against his partner as they slowly danced in the small space of the apartment - he'd moved the coffee table just so they'd have the room. He threaded his fingers through the thick hair at the back of his lover's neck, smiling at the softness of it. “I thought I told you I'd cook dinner tonight.”
“I cook for dozens of people almost every night - I don't get to cook for you nearly enough.” He replied with a laugh.
“I envy those people.” He kissed the top of the man's head. “They have no idea how hard you work - or how far you've come.” He smiled. “You think about what I asked you?”
“Yeah.” He paused their dance and looked up at him. “Thought about it a lot.”
“Oh?” Jared put his hand against the side of the man's face. “And?”
Jensen's face split into a wide grin. “Did you really think I was going to say no to your proposal, Jay?”
Jared chuckled and kissed his forehead. “Well, I never know what to expect with you.”
Jensen kissed him softly. “Never doubt that I love you Jared, always have - always will.”