WIP - Untitled Cut & Run FanFic - 2nd Draft

[bluesylver]

Untitled WIP
Author: bluesylver
Fandom: Cut & Run by Abigail Roux
Characters: Zane & Becky Garrett
Warnings: Swearing, m/f sex, long ass sentences, past perfect tense

Comments

[bluesylver]

Thanks for the speedy reply. I know I have some awkward continuity where I added backstory, and I didn't want to work on it if I was going to have to yank the backstory out.

The ----stripper music----- is a placeholder. I keep forgetting to look up the title of that bit of music that seems to denote a striptease. The lapdance bit is a placeholder, too. Another spot I forgot the original wording I had worked out as I was typing, so I just threw that in. Sorry for the confusion. :)

Your previous post was really helpful in regards to point of view. I haven't tackled the longer passages that were in Zane's pov, but that one wasn't that hard to change. I'm glad you think I did okay.

I left the horse's name blank because Annie said Zane had had a pony named Tortilla. I assumed he had graduated to a horse by that time.

Did Zane call Becky "sweetheart" in T&G? Shit. I've got Becky calling him that. Should I change it around? I mean, people can have the same petname for each other, right?

I kind of like "Horsing Around" from that link. I'll see how it fits once I've got it closer to being finished.

One of the links in your post about writing smut says I'm doing it wrong when I describe how people say things, ie "Zane said warmly." I know that I do that constantly; I didn't realize it was considered bad writing. Did you find it distracting?

From this site: http://geekfiction.livejournal.com/923997.html
"Perhaps you feel the need to dress up the verb said by throwing in a few adverbs. Resist. This actually draws the reader away from the story, and into the mechanics of your delivery."

Stupid LJ posted my comment when I was still working on it.

Did Beverly and Harrison seem authentic and in character? What about Becky and Zane? Does their dialog in the backstory sound appropriate for their age?

Do you know anything about Becky's family and history? I remember reading something, I think it was an answer in the interrogation room, that suggested she didn't have any immediate family still living at the time of her death.

I really do appreciate all your help. I know you are working on your own story, so it is really sweet of you to take the time to help me with mine.

Hugs,
Sylvia

[youbloodysnake]

I think they would both call each other Sweetheart. I remember he had said either in T&G or TIR that he called her sweetheart, but it does make sense that they would use the same pet name.

When it comes to wanting to write how someone said something I don't really find it distracting, but I know others do. When I find myself wanting to do that in my writing I end up putting in some fidgeting at that point instead. Like in the last Nick & Kelly fic I wrote:
"Not manning up?" Nick huffed out a laugh. "Do you mean I wasn't manning up when I took beatings from your drunk ass so my sisters didn't have to? You're the sonuvabitch that beat his own fucking children."
"Oh please, ya' baby." Nick's father waved a dismissive hand. "That was just tough love."

You see? I used to do the 'he said' then 'she said' thing a lot, but I've gotten myself into the habit of writing something like stage direction. Describing the facial expressions, fidgeting, walking, shouting in people's faces, that sort of thing. Whether you want to try that or not is up to you. I found that trying to work it in some of the time was helpful in the beginning, whether I could do it all the time or not.

The only time attribution like that is even close to necessary is when you're introducing a new person speaking in a conversation or changing back to someone. Even then you can still use actions to make sure the reader knows who is talking now.

I do think that Beverly and Harrison seemed very in character. Becky and Zane seemed in character as well, but I think they should be a bit older in the flashback. I think you had Zane at 13 there? Maybe try fifteen or sixteen. I think that would make the scene more age appropriate without having to change how you're writing. I also think that it would make more sense for a teenager of that age to be going away to a special art camp or reacting in such a detached manner to his parents. He also said he and Becky had been high school sweethearts so having their kiss take place at a little bit older of an age would be more correct.

I can't remember the specifics, I want to say that her mother was dead when Becky died and he father died of a heart attack like a year later. Unfortunately Tumblr's search function is... ridiculously broken so you'll have to pour through Zane's archives there through the link on the left to fact check that. And/or put out that question to the fact checkers on Tumblr.

I think Horsing Around would be super cute. Definitely go with what feels right when you're done though. I always seem to name my writing at the last minute.

I'm glad this is helping you! Sometimes it's nice to step away from what I'm writing to help other people and answer questions I didn't know I had about my own writing too. It's helpful and fun. I miss critiquing and helping people with their writing. :)

[bluesylver]

Reading through again it looks like I managed to get the dialog incorporated correctly some of the time. I was rereading some of the series for reference and noticed Abi using some of the same attributions as I did, so I don't feel so bad. Minions love the books, so they probably won't be too bothered with it in my story. I'll probably still try to correct it at some point.

I reread the Zane/Becky scene in T&G and Zane calls Becky both sweetie and honey, so yay! I don't have to change those bits.

Does thirteen seem totally unbelievable to you? I might make him a year or so older, but just from personal experience 13 is when your ego is really fragile and little things can have a lasting impact. Also, I think I was confusing Zane with Eric Bana and thinking he had a birthday coming up in August. I didn't really specify but the backstory is set near the end of the school year, late May or early June. Do you know when Zane was born?

In Stars and Stripes Harrison muses that Zane had been a cold and distant man and now with Ty Zane had a warmth Harrison
never thought he'd see.

That passage just makes me think it's been so long, Harrison can't remember a time when Zane wasn't like that. I think part of the reason Harrison viewed Zane that way is that Zane is an introvert and Harrison just misjudged his manner. I still think Zane must have been really young when he began hiding his feelings from everyone for them all to be convinced he was a cold person.

I'll have to consult the minions about Becky's family since I don't want this to be AU and I've written her father deceased. Maybe I can give her a sibling that died if her father outlived her.

After thinking about my story as a whole, I'm leaning away from "Horsing Around" as the title. The story is filled with beginnings and endings. It' s the first time Zane feels attracted to a man and in a way the start of his relationship with Ty. In the backstory it is the beginning of his romantic relationship with Becky and the first time he affects the cold demeanor of his mother. It is the end of his aspirations to become an artist and when he first became convinced his family didn't care about him. I've set the main story on their last day in NOLA and based on the timeline of events in T&G, this is practically the last time they will be together before Becky dies.

So now I'm trying to come up with a word or phrase that will encompass all that. Wish me luck. ;)

Sylvia