i'm an ignorant little pussy bitch.

Aug 18, 2003 13:46

i hate fighting with people i love. it makes me dizzy and makes my head spin. not to mention the fact that it makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit because they all start because of something that i did wrong. it makes me hate myself a little more. i have numerous faults and flaws. i realize this. but doesn't everyone ? is that not part of being human ? to have someone constantly point this out, reminding you of flaws and faults that are hard to change, if not impossible, is hell. usually what induces these verbal tirades is something so trivial and ridiculous that if a third party were involved they would probably pee their pants with laughter at how far things have gone. and usually there is some laughing involved afterwards. but one of these days lines will be crossed. saying "fuck you" will actually hold some clout. ties will be severed. everything will not be okay. both parties will walk away empty handed. a friendship ended over spilled milk. it's going to come to this someday. and what the fuck can i do to stop it ?

i smoked pot for the first time in a long time today. not a lot though. enough to be a little silly. and i think i want to be under the influence of something for the rest of my life. whether it be pot, booze or whatever. just something. something that makes things enjoyable and pushes reality away. i will openly admit that sometimes i do these things to escape reality. because reality is like a neverending bitch slap in the face. i can't tolerate it. i just want it all to disappear. or maybe i just want to disappear.

god, this sounds like a fucken suicide note. but fuck suicide. that's the wrong way out for me. but what is the right way out ? or is there even a way out ? i just want things to be decent as opposed to incredibly shitty. is that too much to ask for ? i didn't think so but i'm beginning to change my mind. it is too much to ask for.

everytime i bitch and moan like a little pussy i feel bad. because i know that there are people out there far worse off than me but fuck that. i have every right to hate myself and my life. plus i never see those people. they're out starving in another country. i see the people around me having a good time and living life up while i sit and make jokes to make myself feel better. and hell, to make you like me too.

i'm really just full of it.

fuck you.

and fuck me too.
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