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[bluestripes]

Hmmm. I guess I'll dust this thing off. Facebook sucks for these kinds of things, not that I do anything but lurk there anyway. "Lurk." I recently got into the habit of browsing 4chan when I'm nervously avoiding issues. The kind of issues that come up when I cut myself off from the world, or I'm stressed out over something. That site is so

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[bluestripes]

I guess that when it comes down to it, my struggle comes from the fact that I'm not happy. From there I seek what it is that I've either tasted and liked or I've never had any experience with and think I might like. It's really about exploration. I came to memphis to explore, inward and outward. I think there is more to be done, especially inwardly. The best way to do that, I think, is to be with people. Talk with them and get to know them and simultaneously get to know myself. I think this is true, from the tastes I'd gotten from improv and the things that I read. I'm not proposing that I do something that I think I won't like in general, but something I think I would like to do, but some sort of fear in the moment keeps me back.

I also think that even in something like an advanced degree, there is room to take all the things you like and that interest you and put them together somehow. The more you let yourself earnestly explore things (especially with other people, I believe), the more you realize that many things are or can be connected.

I guess part of my response is that you don't have to be friends with Carlos. In fact, you don't even have to like him. I do appreciate your honesty, though. It is welcome.

I think you're right. I think that for the past few years, I've sought something from Carlos. Some sort of mixture of approval and mentorship. That is only a small part of our friendship, but it's something that has been weighing on me lately. To better understand myself and to become a more whole person, I need to try to be aware of those urges. The same urges that led me to blindly follow a number of people in the past.

Reading your post, something occurred to me. I think that part of the reason that I've been trying to change myself and the resulting distance between us is that, while the old days were good in many ways, they were fundamentally unsatisfying. And only recently have I even been aware of the way that such dissatisfaction had been eating away at me for years.

We will have fun when I move back. I do look forward to the good new days.

[progressinacan]

I think you're wrong about that last part. The old days were satisfying. It's just that it's very difficult for a human to find the same things to be perpetually satisfying.

Our interests and locations intersected for enjoyable years. I think you were eager and ready to move on far before I was, so I stayed the same for a bit, futilely hoping things could go back to the way they were (this refers not just to you, but to all my friends). This futile hope eventually developed into frustration and depression before I was able to move on.

I didn't move on from my interests. I just moved on from my old friends. If the day comes when you ever feel like being interested in science/politics/manga/videogames/boardgames/cardgames/movies/TV/books again, I'll be here to listen/talk/play/watch. While I think you've kept a piece of those interests with you, they occupy a much smaller portion of who you are now.

Or at least they do outwardly.

When I start making bank, I'll try to offer you and my other old friends a place to play and socialize again.