Birthday Ficlet for Dickgloucester: "Seven Witches for Seven Snapes," (SS/HG, R)
A toast to Dicky!
~raises glass of good beer~
Here's to Dicky, who has a beautiful voice, a beautiful talent for writing, a beautiful way with expressive expletives and, above all, a beautiful soul, which she generously shares with all of us. It was an honor to be the Rowena to your magnificent Helga, Dicky darling, and I'm already looking forward to (hopefully) seeing you again next year. I'm so glad to know you, and I hope that the year brings you all the good things that you deserve.
~big hugs~
In celebration of your birthday, Dicky, I've written you a bit of a ficlet, which promises to perhaps be more of an actual fic... but I wanted to post this bit for you today, because I guarantee that I'd never have been crazy enough to attempt this plot without your inspiration. *g* It is silly, it's ridiculous, and I hope it gives you a laugh.
Title: Seven Witches for Seven Snapes
Pairing: SS/HG
Rating: R, for language
Author's Note: For Dicky, who loves Seven Brides for Seven Brothers as much as I do and who requested a story based on the same film in the last SS/HG Exchange, wherein Severus has six brothers who live with him in Spinner's End. Now, this is not a full story and it is perhaps, at best, only a prologue to a longer story... but it was the most I could manage in a pinch, and I pledge to write more of it, if you like it. I had to try, for your sake. :D
Spinner's End was… really rather ugly, any way you looked at it, but as Hermione gazed up at the narrow end-of-terrace house that was about to become her home, she thought she could still see plenty of room for improvements. It would be A Project, she decided. Magic and a bit of elbow grease would soon have the blackened brick and faded paint sparkling like new again, especially after she'd developed a plan and put Severus to work on it.
Severus paused on the threshold, hand poised over the doorknob.
"You should know," he said carefully, "that I don't live alone. There are… others."
"Others?" Hermione inquired, a warning in her voice. He was looking shifty, and she didn't like it. She'd been willing to marry him on short notice, true, but she reserved the right to object to hidden clauses and complications. She had no plans to be her husband's doormat; he would soon find his autocratic tendencies met and bettered by her own dictatorial ones.
"Others, yes. Brothers," Severus clarified.
Ah. Well, that was different. "I thought you had no siblings?"
Severus glowered at the peeling paint on his front door as though it had insulted the state of his underpants. "I thought the same thing for many years, but it seems that my father sought comfort elsewhere after my mother's death, and… well, let's just say the old bastard was as diligent about birth control as he was about finding regular employment and staying sober. My brothers became aware of my existence after my father's death; they've been in some financial difficulty, and as I am the eldest…"
"Oh! I see." Hermione felt a pinch of sympathy for poor Severus, trying to support his young brothers by himself. This was an unexpected complication, and not a particularly welcome one, yet she couldn't imagine ever being enough of a hard-hearted harpy to toss her husband's little brothers out in the street, simply because they'd got in her way. It wasn't their fault they were down on their luck. With a bit of help and understanding, they'd undoubtedly be back on their feet in no time. "Don't worry about it, Severus," she promised him. "We'll deal with it. Thank you for telling me. I appreciate your honesty; that's the foundation of a good marriage."
He hmmed, which Hermione decided to interpret as agreement, and with a turn of the key and a flick of his wand to dismantle the wards, the door opened and revealed Hermione's first glimpse of Spinner's End. "Welcome home, Madam Snape," Severus said with an ironic flourish.
She snorted and rolled her eyes at the gesture before stepping inside to peer at the sitting room. It was a dim room stuffed full with enticing books of all shapes and sizes, which was a definite point in its favour, though it lost points for the piles of books on the floor and the haphazard stack that Severus appeared to be using as a tea table. The décor was best described as "mid-century ugly," and it was difficult to tell what colour the carpet was supposed to be, but for all the books and papers and layers of dust, it was clear that the room had potential. It had an air of absent-minded neglect that Hermione associated with academics and bachelors, and given that Severus was both of those things, this didn't really come as a surprise.
"Very nice," Hermione murmured, drawn towards the shelves filled with books. "Oh, very nice." She reached out to caress the spines of the books, her fingertips tingling with the inherent magic of the books and her barely-suppressed desire to sit down and leaf through them all that very moment. Her jaw dropped as she spotted one particularly rare volume. "Neptune's nadgers, is that…?"
"It is," Severus said behind her, making no secret of his smugness at her reaction.
"How did you…?"
"You don't want to know that."
After a moment's thought, Hermione decided that she didn't, really. She just wanted to gorge herself on its words and digest every morsel of information it contained.
It was, she thought, an auspicious beginning to their marriage.
And then she stepped through the doorway into the kitchen, and all bets were off.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
To call the kitchen a tip would have been a kindness.
In truth, the place was such a slovenly, chaotic mess that had somebody informed Hermione that it was a research lab for biohazards, she would have believed them. She had never in her life seen anything so filthy and disorganised before, and considering her history with Ron, that was saying something.
But more disturbing even than the stench of the heap of dirty laundry beneath the dinner table and the colony of mould growing on the dishes in the sink was the fact that the kitchen was populated with men, gathered round an ancient portable television perched atop the table and cheering loudly and obscenely for Leeds United. Of their identities, there was no question; it was as plain as the oversized noses on their faces and the long, greasy black hair that they shared.
That they existed was not a revelation. That there were six of them, however…
Hermione would have stared open-mouthed in shock, had she not been afraid of letting any of the noxious air in her mouth. She settled for wrinkling her nose in horror.
"My brothers," Severus murmured in an undertone. "Meet Titus, Uriel, Vincent, Wennie, Xavier and Zachary."
"Wennie?"
"Short for Wenceslaus."
"Oh, fucking come on, you worthless twat!" the youngest of the Severus-clones shouted at the screen, turning away in disgust. Absently, Hermione noted that he was wearing a t-shirt that read Nice shoes! Fancy a fuck? "Sev!" he called out more cheerfully, catching sight of his older brother. "Did you bring more beer? We're out. Titus drank the last of it, chuffing greedy bugger."
"Fuck off," Titus said reflexively, never breaking eye contact with the television. He punctuated this pronouncement with an impressively loud belch.
"Who's your friend, Sev?" the first brother asked. He flashed a smile at Hermione and took a long, lingering, appreciative glance at her chest. "I'm Zach, by the way," he volunteered. "What's your name, love?"
"Her name is Hermione," Severus answered for her. "She's my wife, and if you don't want my foot so far up your arse that you taste shoe leather when you swallow, you'll stop staring down her shirt."
"Sorry," Zach said in a manner that implied he was anything but. "Welcome to the family, love!" He turned back to the other brothers, still absorbed in the game. "Oi! Did you hear that? Our Sev's gone and got himself a wife!"
There was a moment of silence, and then Hermione found herself besieged by Snape brothers, each shouting out congratulations and questions.
"Well done, Sev!"
"Does she have a sister?"
"Do you know how to cook?"
"Excuse us for a moment, " Hermione said with false politeness. She turned to her husband-her lying, shifty, sneaky arse of a husband, who had known damned well what he'd been getting her into. "Severus, darling, could I speak to you in the garden for a moment?"
He might be a liar, but he wasn't stupid. "Of course, my dear," he murmured, ushering her through the crowd of brothers and out the back door.
The door had barely closed behind them before she let the first hex fly.
Author's Note the second: The original Seven Brides for Seven Brothers features a gag about the brothers being named in alphabetical order, each with a name from the bible: Adam, Benjamin, Caleb, Daniel, Ephraim, Frank (short for "Frankincense," the Bible having no other "F" names) and Gideon. Here, the brothers are named after saints: Severus, Titus, Uriel, Vincent, Wenceslaus, Xavier and Zachary. Given that Severus and Tobias are already the names of saints, I thought it might not be too much of a stretch to assume a trend…
Author's Note the third: If you're unfamiliar with Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, check out the summary here. Then check out the clips below:
This one's in Italian, but who cares when there's so little dialogue?
And here's the classic scene that follows:
Have a happy birthday, Dicky. I hope it's been a good one.
~raises glass of good beer~
Here's to Dicky, who has a beautiful voice, a beautiful talent for writing, a beautiful way with expressive expletives and, above all, a beautiful soul, which she generously shares with all of us. It was an honor to be the Rowena to your magnificent Helga, Dicky darling, and I'm already looking forward to (hopefully) seeing you again next year. I'm so glad to know you, and I hope that the year brings you all the good things that you deserve.
~big hugs~
In celebration of your birthday, Dicky, I've written you a bit of a ficlet, which promises to perhaps be more of an actual fic... but I wanted to post this bit for you today, because I guarantee that I'd never have been crazy enough to attempt this plot without your inspiration. *g* It is silly, it's ridiculous, and I hope it gives you a laugh.
Title: Seven Witches for Seven Snapes
Pairing: SS/HG
Rating: R, for language
Author's Note: For Dicky, who loves Seven Brides for Seven Brothers as much as I do and who requested a story based on the same film in the last SS/HG Exchange, wherein Severus has six brothers who live with him in Spinner's End. Now, this is not a full story and it is perhaps, at best, only a prologue to a longer story... but it was the most I could manage in a pinch, and I pledge to write more of it, if you like it. I had to try, for your sake. :D
Spinner's End was… really rather ugly, any way you looked at it, but as Hermione gazed up at the narrow end-of-terrace house that was about to become her home, she thought she could still see plenty of room for improvements. It would be A Project, she decided. Magic and a bit of elbow grease would soon have the blackened brick and faded paint sparkling like new again, especially after she'd developed a plan and put Severus to work on it.
Severus paused on the threshold, hand poised over the doorknob.
"You should know," he said carefully, "that I don't live alone. There are… others."
"Others?" Hermione inquired, a warning in her voice. He was looking shifty, and she didn't like it. She'd been willing to marry him on short notice, true, but she reserved the right to object to hidden clauses and complications. She had no plans to be her husband's doormat; he would soon find his autocratic tendencies met and bettered by her own dictatorial ones.
"Others, yes. Brothers," Severus clarified.
Ah. Well, that was different. "I thought you had no siblings?"
Severus glowered at the peeling paint on his front door as though it had insulted the state of his underpants. "I thought the same thing for many years, but it seems that my father sought comfort elsewhere after my mother's death, and… well, let's just say the old bastard was as diligent about birth control as he was about finding regular employment and staying sober. My brothers became aware of my existence after my father's death; they've been in some financial difficulty, and as I am the eldest…"
"Oh! I see." Hermione felt a pinch of sympathy for poor Severus, trying to support his young brothers by himself. This was an unexpected complication, and not a particularly welcome one, yet she couldn't imagine ever being enough of a hard-hearted harpy to toss her husband's little brothers out in the street, simply because they'd got in her way. It wasn't their fault they were down on their luck. With a bit of help and understanding, they'd undoubtedly be back on their feet in no time. "Don't worry about it, Severus," she promised him. "We'll deal with it. Thank you for telling me. I appreciate your honesty; that's the foundation of a good marriage."
He hmmed, which Hermione decided to interpret as agreement, and with a turn of the key and a flick of his wand to dismantle the wards, the door opened and revealed Hermione's first glimpse of Spinner's End. "Welcome home, Madam Snape," Severus said with an ironic flourish.
She snorted and rolled her eyes at the gesture before stepping inside to peer at the sitting room. It was a dim room stuffed full with enticing books of all shapes and sizes, which was a definite point in its favour, though it lost points for the piles of books on the floor and the haphazard stack that Severus appeared to be using as a tea table. The décor was best described as "mid-century ugly," and it was difficult to tell what colour the carpet was supposed to be, but for all the books and papers and layers of dust, it was clear that the room had potential. It had an air of absent-minded neglect that Hermione associated with academics and bachelors, and given that Severus was both of those things, this didn't really come as a surprise.
"Very nice," Hermione murmured, drawn towards the shelves filled with books. "Oh, very nice." She reached out to caress the spines of the books, her fingertips tingling with the inherent magic of the books and her barely-suppressed desire to sit down and leaf through them all that very moment. Her jaw dropped as she spotted one particularly rare volume. "Neptune's nadgers, is that…?"
"It is," Severus said behind her, making no secret of his smugness at her reaction.
"How did you…?"
"You don't want to know that."
After a moment's thought, Hermione decided that she didn't, really. She just wanted to gorge herself on its words and digest every morsel of information it contained.
It was, she thought, an auspicious beginning to their marriage.
And then she stepped through the doorway into the kitchen, and all bets were off.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
To call the kitchen a tip would have been a kindness.
In truth, the place was such a slovenly, chaotic mess that had somebody informed Hermione that it was a research lab for biohazards, she would have believed them. She had never in her life seen anything so filthy and disorganised before, and considering her history with Ron, that was saying something.
But more disturbing even than the stench of the heap of dirty laundry beneath the dinner table and the colony of mould growing on the dishes in the sink was the fact that the kitchen was populated with men, gathered round an ancient portable television perched atop the table and cheering loudly and obscenely for Leeds United. Of their identities, there was no question; it was as plain as the oversized noses on their faces and the long, greasy black hair that they shared.
That they existed was not a revelation. That there were six of them, however…
Hermione would have stared open-mouthed in shock, had she not been afraid of letting any of the noxious air in her mouth. She settled for wrinkling her nose in horror.
"My brothers," Severus murmured in an undertone. "Meet Titus, Uriel, Vincent, Wennie, Xavier and Zachary."
"Wennie?"
"Short for Wenceslaus."
"Oh, fucking come on, you worthless twat!" the youngest of the Severus-clones shouted at the screen, turning away in disgust. Absently, Hermione noted that he was wearing a t-shirt that read Nice shoes! Fancy a fuck? "Sev!" he called out more cheerfully, catching sight of his older brother. "Did you bring more beer? We're out. Titus drank the last of it, chuffing greedy bugger."
"Fuck off," Titus said reflexively, never breaking eye contact with the television. He punctuated this pronouncement with an impressively loud belch.
"Who's your friend, Sev?" the first brother asked. He flashed a smile at Hermione and took a long, lingering, appreciative glance at her chest. "I'm Zach, by the way," he volunteered. "What's your name, love?"
"Her name is Hermione," Severus answered for her. "She's my wife, and if you don't want my foot so far up your arse that you taste shoe leather when you swallow, you'll stop staring down her shirt."
"Sorry," Zach said in a manner that implied he was anything but. "Welcome to the family, love!" He turned back to the other brothers, still absorbed in the game. "Oi! Did you hear that? Our Sev's gone and got himself a wife!"
There was a moment of silence, and then Hermione found herself besieged by Snape brothers, each shouting out congratulations and questions.
"Well done, Sev!"
"Does she have a sister?"
"Do you know how to cook?"
"Excuse us for a moment, " Hermione said with false politeness. She turned to her husband-her lying, shifty, sneaky arse of a husband, who had known damned well what he'd been getting her into. "Severus, darling, could I speak to you in the garden for a moment?"
He might be a liar, but he wasn't stupid. "Of course, my dear," he murmured, ushering her through the crowd of brothers and out the back door.
The door had barely closed behind them before she let the first hex fly.
Author's Note the second: The original Seven Brides for Seven Brothers features a gag about the brothers being named in alphabetical order, each with a name from the bible: Adam, Benjamin, Caleb, Daniel, Ephraim, Frank (short for "Frankincense," the Bible having no other "F" names) and Gideon. Here, the brothers are named after saints: Severus, Titus, Uriel, Vincent, Wenceslaus, Xavier and Zachary. Given that Severus and Tobias are already the names of saints, I thought it might not be too much of a stretch to assume a trend…
Author's Note the third: If you're unfamiliar with Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, check out the summary here. Then check out the clips below:
This one's in Italian, but who cares when there's so little dialogue?
Click to viewAnd here's the classic scene that follows:
Have a happy birthday, Dicky. I hope it's been a good one.