death and dying
its funny how someone whom you havnt seen or talked to in years can bring up so much in you. maybe its just my naturally empathetic heart combined with pregnancy hormones but i find myself in a stupor tonight over the news that a childhood friend's family member has commited suicide.
thank you erin maddiefoxfire for alerting me of this heartbreaking ordeal.
77 days to go until the baby is supposed to be here. i finding it hard to come to terms with all of the emotions that are going through me. intense joy and anticipation, nervousness over how the stresses will impact me, and then of course sadness because of theh situation with my grandpa. my dad said that he will probably live until the fall or winter now because the radiation has worked well and the port that they've put in his neck to use as a permanent IV will help everyone out a lot. now he's having chemo once a week AND radiation every other day still i believe. that man is a rock i swear. the cancer is all over him now and i cant help but somehow think that hes subconsciously holding out to see our little baby. he talks about it constantly (seeing our child that is). its an odd thing to experience the beginning and end of life all at once. my dad's brothers are so messed up too. their being like little children honestly, and i cant fault them- losing a parent im sure is absolutely terrifying and breaking to ones heart and being. compared to my dad and his sturdy sense of emotions, they come off like disheveled teenage girls who can't keep it together. (my parents connotation not at all my own!) we all grieve in different ways. my dad retreats to his bed and sleeps and sleeps, some cry, some turn to busy-work. i think sometimes ive felt like im expected to react how my dad does. and that crying and falling apart on the outside is some weakness. there isnt a real sense of "whatever gets you through this". i wish my parents (and i of course too) had more compassion to see the rest of my family through the eyes of love and empathy.