(no subject)
my uncle and his wife had their first child yesterday.
i cried all night.
its funny how you miss what was never there. i dont think i was ever more scared in my life than waiting for those results. and either way it wasnt going to be good news. but when i got home it sunk in that i did want her and i wanted to be pregnant even though i couldnt possibly afford it. and even though she was never really here i still wanted a chance to say goodbye, because she was my future.just as much as he was and still is even though he doesnt love me.
she haunts my dreams and i wake up feeling like its all my fault that she is there in that place because i didnt do more to help her join us here.
but it was never my fault, she just cant understand that.
sometimes when i'm in that strange mood i can hear her crying for me but i can't touch her, save her because i never really knew she was there, was what i truly wanted. i hold her name close to my heart and its scary because sometimes i catch myself whispering her name, i think it i do it to keep her alive, to keep my hope alive. the love will always be there. im her mother.
sigh.
she never existed. but i feel as close to her as if she did. as if she were real.
i love you both but apparently i can have neither of you.
i cried all night.
its funny how you miss what was never there. i dont think i was ever more scared in my life than waiting for those results. and either way it wasnt going to be good news. but when i got home it sunk in that i did want her and i wanted to be pregnant even though i couldnt possibly afford it. and even though she was never really here i still wanted a chance to say goodbye, because she was my future.just as much as he was and still is even though he doesnt love me.
she haunts my dreams and i wake up feeling like its all my fault that she is there in that place because i didnt do more to help her join us here.
but it was never my fault, she just cant understand that.
sometimes when i'm in that strange mood i can hear her crying for me but i can't touch her, save her because i never really knew she was there, was what i truly wanted. i hold her name close to my heart and its scary because sometimes i catch myself whispering her name, i think it i do it to keep her alive, to keep my hope alive. the love will always be there. im her mother.
sigh.
she never existed. but i feel as close to her as if she did. as if she were real.
i love you both but apparently i can have neither of you.